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Category Archives: Women’s Articles – Sex

Are You Training Him To Be A Jerk?

By Melissa Balmer

Here’s a situation you may know very well. You’ve been dating this new guy for a couple of weeks, or a couple of months, and something’s changed in his attitude about you. He was so thoughtful and attentive at the beginning of the relationship, he chased you sooo hard before you actually started to go out, and now, it’s as if an alien has taken over his body and he’s become a cranky, inconsiderate slob.

Of course you hate to admit this to yourself because you’re already emotionally attached to him, and he’s not always a total grump, but his forgetfulness, and inconsiderate behavior are starting to wear you down. In fact, you’re starting to dread the holiday season rather than looking forward to it, and just like Janet Jackson’s old tune you’ve been wondering a lot “what has he done for me lately?”

How you set it Up His Bad Behavior

So what’s the problem? Is the chemistry dead? Probably not, you’ve probably just trained him to be a jerk. Yep, you heard me right. You trained him to be a jerk. Sounds shocking I know, but here’s the deal – we are constantly teaching people how to treat us with our own behavior. And here’s the kicker, even good, sweet-hearted men can become total jerks if their girlfriend allows it to happen.

Think back to the beginning of the relationship. What happened the first time he didn’t call you until the last minute to go and do something Friday night? You let it slide, right?

You were sitting by the phone waiting for him and were just delighted he called. So what did he learn? You’d begun to put your life on hold to be with him. The minute a guy feels you’re an absolute sure thing he’s going to start taking advantage of you just to see just how far he can push it. And no, I’m not implying here that it’s just men who do this sort of thing. It’s human nature.

If someone shows us a weakness, shows us how important we are, we try and take advantage of it, and we lose some of our respect and interest in them.

Remember, we all want someone special.

There are a myriad of ways our behavior teaches a man you’re not worth his best behavior. If a guy doesn’t have to plan ahead in order to spend time with you, if you allow him to be constantly late, or to speak and treat you in less than a respectful manner, he starts to become lazy and take advantage of you, it all shows you don’t think well enough of yourself to stop him.

Whatever bad behavior of his you try and over look, whatever bad behavior of his you accommodate is going to grow. By trying to be a good sport and “nice” you’re showing him you don’t feel you’re worth the best.

Bitching Doesn’t Work

Nagging and bitching to a guy into better behavior doesn’t work either. Once a guy puts the “bitch” label on you he closes his ears and his mind to what you have to say. Actions always speak louder than words, but actions mixed with the “right” words are the most powerful combo to bringing back his good behavior.

The very first thing you need to do is become less available right now. When he calls at 6:30 on Friday night to see what’s up, either don’t pick up the phone, or tell him you’re walking out the door to go see that new chick flick with your girlfriends, have dinner and drinks with friends from work, catch up with an old friend.

It doesn’t really matter what you say, it just needs to be about you going and enjoying yourself without him. And here’s the key – don’t be angry, don’t be snotty, just tell him you’ve got to go.

Are you really going to be doing any of things? It’s up to you. The important thing is to simply be unavailable to him – all night. That’s right, no calling him the minute you get home. He needs to be reminded you have your own life, and you need to be reminded to go out and get one.

The powerful way to get his interest back, and have him realize he can’t take you for granted, is to simply have more going on in your life so you’re not always available. Think about it. If he calls to you Tuesday to go out Wednesday, and what you really want is for him to take you out Saturday, don’t bitch and moan and tell him what a jerk he is, tell him you’d love to go – but you’ve got other plans.

How can he get angry with that? It’s not that you don’t want to spend time with him; it’s simply that you’ve got a lot going on in your life. He learns he’d better plan ahead to spend time with you. He begins to realize he can’t take you for granted.

If instead the problem is that you no longer do anything fun together, that he seems to have lost his entire creative spark, let him know gently but firmly you’re just not having fun. Deep down men want to have the power to show a woman a good time. They love it when women laugh at their jokes, and enjoy the dinners they take them to, and they can show you something new. But as humans they get quickly lazy if they don’t fee they have to make an effort.

If you tell a man you’re simply not having fun with him, and it’s clear he’s not making an effort, he can’t really argue, can he? You’re not telling him to spend a fortune on you, you’re not telling him not attracted to him any longer, you’re simply telling him the truth. It’s getting boring.

You can do the same thing about his attitude towards you. If he’s started to speak with you in less than a respectful way, if he’s degrading you in any way, let him know it’s just not behavior you condone.

Again, don’t bitch, just insist kindly but firmly. If he continues either ask him to leave or you leave yourself. He has to learn that bad behavior loses your interest in him quickly.

You Have to Get Over Loneliness on Your Own

Here’s a powerful secret you need to own that will help you follow through on all of these suggestions – romantic relationships aren’t for getting rid of your loneliness, only you can do that. If you don’t find being with yourself much fun neither will a man, and soon the lazy bad behavior will start.

It’s so easy to just start to “hang out” all the time with a new man rather than planning dates and how to spend your time together. Don’t fall into that trap. Take the time to realize that you are only a great catch if you own it and act accordingly.

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

Dating Up

By Melissa Balmer

Have you looked around the dating world and decided that you’d prefer going out with well heeled sophisticated men with to the cute (but broke) guys you’ve been meeting of late? Listen up then, because I’m going to give you a crash course in moving your way up the dating income scale.

To start off, let me be very clear – nothing in life is free. There is no free lunch. Yes, there’s the possibility of a five star lunch that you don’t plunk down your credit card for, but it still won’t be free. Dating wealthy men doesn’t take being absolutely drop dead gorgeous (though it helps), but it does take smarts, focus, dedication and hard work. So sit back, relax and get ready to learn about a whole new world.

It’s Not All About Sex

Please note that the title of this article is “Dating Up” not “Sleeping Up” because it really isn’t that tough to have sex with a wealthy man. All a woman needs to do is have a great figure, wear a sexy outfit, and hang out long enough at the bar of a fancy restaurant or hotel and sooner or later a well to do man will pick her up for a bottle of good Champagne and a roll in the bed of his hotel suite – and that’s probably it (same for rock stars).

But that’s not what we’re talking about here, what we’re talking about is learning the skills to give yourself a chance at a real relationship with a man who has the world on a string and will be willing to share a good part of it with you. Being great in bed is certainly a wonderful skill to have, and it will come in handy, but the first thing you need to learn is how to not only live in a wealthy man’s world but also thrive in it.

Walk & Talk Like A Lady

Remember when your mother told you to sit up straight? She was right. You might not think that something as seemingly unimportant as posture and grace are important in this modern age, but guess what? You’re wrong! They matter tremendously in the world of wealth and class (and make a great impression anywhere, really) so if you want to make an impressive impression no matter where you are you’ll hone these skills to perfection.

Let’s start with great posture. That means not only sitting up straight, but also having your body in alignment when walking down the street. The two biggest ways women learn great posture is through horseback riding (especially English) and dance (especially ballet), two expensive fields of interest that the wealthy adore.

In order give yourself great posture imagine a ribbon pulling you up from the top of your head and allowing every part of your body to fall naturally into place. Look at yourself in a full-length mirror – from both the front and the sides. Your head should be centered over your shoulders. Pay close attention to see if you carry your head tilted forward or back and adjust yourself. Your shoulders should be relaxed and down, not hunched up around your ears with tension. Also, make sure that your pelvis is centered, as well and that you don’t carry your hips sway backed nor tucked under. Making great posture a habit takes time so write little notes to yourself as reminders to “sit up straight” and “walk tall” on your bathroom mirror, your refrigerator, and in your car.

A woman who can walk elegantly in a pair of high heels is a woman who men follow with their eyes with fascination. A woman who walks like an elephant in high heels just makes people cringe, and yes, men do notice. If your high heels make your ankles feel like they’re breaking with each step, the heels are too high for you. In order to walk elegantly in heels take a note from runway models. No you don’t have to prowl down the street, but do walk with on foot straight ahead of the other rather then walking with any space between your thighs. Also, pay close attention to whether you walk pigeon towed with your toes turning inward at all. Simple be conscious of turning your foot out a bit (not too far like a ballerina though) when walking and the problem’s solved.

Grace is the overall manner you carry yourself, and of course, the way you behave when dealing with others. How do you sit down in chairs, and then get back up? Do you have great posture when standing but slump when you sit down? Do you have bad habits when sitting and talking with someone like shaking your leg, twisting your hair or fiddling with your clothing? Are you able to hold a conversation with someone without your gaze wondering off in boredom, or wandering around the room for someone more interesting to look at? It’s a well known that Jacqueline Kennedy mesmerized men with her ability to focus on them and make them feel like the most important person in the room when she spoke to them. Princess Diana had the same ability. Why not learn from two of the most beguiling women of the last century?

Cultivate A Pleasing Voice

Sure we’d all love to sound like the voice of Jessica Rabbit (created by the very talented Kathleen Turner) but it’s not necessary. What will help you creating a lasting impression on a man, however, is having a pleasing voice free of most regional accents. A Southern accent is charming as long as you use correct grammar, however, most other regional accents tend to grate on the ear unless you happen to be from that local.

Two of the greatest films every made about recreating oneself to fit into the upper classes are of course “My Fair Lady” with Audrey Hepburn and “Working Girl” with Melanie Griffith. While they’re both very entertaining, they’re also very true in how society ranks people by the way they sound.

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

Dating After Divorce

By Melissa Balmer

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” – Wayne Dyer

As you’ve likely noticed much of the advice that we give about changing your thoughts can also change your life. They would only be so many pretty words if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve experienced it happening in my own life. The past five years have been some of the most difficult in my life, yet at the same time they’ve been some of the most rewarding because I’ve finally set my cap at designing the sort of life I’ve always dreamed of. Life after divorce there were two things I decided that were most important to me that I wanted to incorporate into my future: One was to finally try my hand at writing professionally, the other was to create the sort of romance and sex life I’d always vaguely longed for but had never managed.

For many of us, myself included, it isn’t easy to be okay with going for our heart’s desire. Especially when you start dating after divorce. As we grow into adulthood we often put aside our youthful dreams in exchange for what we see as being “the smart thing to do.” We exchange what we think of as “security” for risking it all on something that might simply be a pipe dream. Unfortunately this means that many of us not only end up in jobs we truly dislike, but in romantic and physical relationships that don’t really speak to us romantically or sexually at all. We have the feeling that we’ve gotten off track somehow, somewhere, but we’re not sure how or what we can now do about it.

The bad news is that it often takes our lives being downright miserable, being brought to a halt by illness, financial difficulty or tragedy in order for us to honestly look at ourselves and realize we’ve been ignoring our heart’s desire. For me personally it was illness that brought my life to a screeching halt. During the majority of the years I was married my ex-husband and I had a hand-made gift business. Towards the end of our time together I learned about public relations and how it could benefit our small company. Once we divorced I thought I could simply work my way up into a great position in public relations and work on my writing on the side. The universe had other plans. The only public relations jobs I could get were those I volunteered to do for free (but hey, I got to go to the Sundance Film Festival), or those I did only part-time for friends and other small creative companies. At the same time the migraines I’d been experiencing more frequently over the years hit almost full time.

With an aching head, not enough work to pay all my bills, and nauseated and fatigued from all of the different medications various doctors had me try, I found myself at home frequently with very little energy. What I did have though, was a computer, a connection to the Internet, and the conviction that I wanted to better understand both my sexual and romantic needs and that perhaps these were subjects I could write about.

My journey has been (and still remains at times) very challenging. But the rewards have been worth every difficult hour. I’ve not only become a writer with two regular columns, I’ve had some of the most interesting and rewarding dates and romantic encounters of my life. I’d like to share these methods here with you in hopes that this new year can become the year you too begin to design the life you’ve always longed for:

Dating After Divorce: Treat Yourself Well

This is the first step. No matter how challenged and stressful your life is you need to treat yourself well. Do everything you can to stop running yourself down with negative self-talk. Mentally shaming and tearing yourself down doesn’t make you a better person, it makes you a nervous wreck. If you have to write post it notes out with positive affirmations and inspirational quotes and stick them on your computer at work, in your car, and on your bathroom mirror and fridge at home, go ahead and do it. Nothing at all is worth your peace of mind.

Find A Creative Outlet For Your Romantic & Sexual Needs

No, I don’t mean for you to run out and sleep with the first man who shows interest. Why, because for many women sex is still a “performance act” based on being an object of desire, rather than being a act entered into for true connection and sexual gratification. Being desired is a wonderful thing, but it gets empty pretty quickly if the desire is only for our physical exterior and not our entire self. Take a close look at your sexual encounters. How many of them have been about filling the void of loneliness and haven’t ended up being very physically, emotionally, or intellectually gratifying at all?

What do I recommend instead? Anything that gives you great joy, makes you feel alive physically, and gets you in touch with your body. Dancing the night away, or taking a dancing class is great – so is any type of exercise you really enjoy. You can also start a journal just for your romantic and sexual thoughts and dare yourself to be honest and frank. Take an art class, read books like Susie Bright’s wonderful “Full Exposure” or any other type of book about sex and romance that’s sparked your interest but you haven’t had the nerve to pick up. Go ahead – no one’s watching. If they are they can just get their own life.

Make a Romantic & Sexy Soundtrack to Inspire You

To put yourself in the right frame of mind to be open to dating after divorce, and discover your real romantic and sexual needs, to give yourself courage to be sexier than you’ve ever been, or just life you up after a bad day, you need the right atmosphere. For me this means music. Fill your car and your room with sounds that stir your sexual and romantic longings, fill you with a sense of beauty and hope, or just make you want to get your groove on.

Personally I have all kinds of favorites picked out depending on my mood, or the mood I want to be in. When I want to be reminded that my heart’s desire is possible I play one of two classic songs, either Stevie Wonder’s “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing” or the Rolling Stones “Miss You”, if I just want to be in a romantic mood I’ll play something classical from Chopin, or perhaps Debussy’s “Claire de la Lune”, and when I want to be reminded of all the complexities of sexual and romantic connection I play Maroon 5’s “Songs About Jane.”

Find A Fictional Romantic Hero

Your romantic hero can be from a book or a play or a film, but he shouldn’t be a real man. Understand that this isn’t about yearning for you’re a cute local fireman, the husband of an associate, or a hot actor. What you’re looking for is the archetype of what you find romantically and sexually alluring about men. You’re looking to figure out your ideal sort of man, and what this specifically means to you. Is he slightly dangerous but ultimately trust worthy for that one special woman? Is he an ordinary guy who becomes a hero when circumstance calls for it? Is he resolute and steadfast in his beliefs even when others ridicule him? Compare and contrast the sort of men you’ve dated or been in relationships with versus the hero who stirs both your blood and imagination, and take a tough look at where things are falling short.

Personally I’m an idealist, but up until the past five years my romantic life hadn’t reflected this much. After re-reading the “Lord of the Rings” when I found out the movies would be coming out I realized my fictional hero is the character Faramir. He is a reluctant warrior with the heart of a scholar, a man resolute and steadfast in his moral beliefs, and who ultimately isn’t afraid to ask for the love of the woman who’s won his heart. The fact that he was played in the movies by Australian actor David Wenham, who isn’t at all hard to look at, helped quite a bit. But what accepting Faramir as my hero made me realize is that there were things I needed to do in order to get ready to have such a man in my real life. I had to stop moving forward with notion that I’d only find love by working hard to be there to “help and support” a man gain his potential. This was one of my favorite stunts. Faramir doesn’t need a savior; he’s already living up to his potential. By accepting this archetype I realized that instead of looking for a man to “save” I needed to step up to bat and save myself. I needed to live a life I was intellectually and creatively proud of to attract the sort of man I really wanted.

What sort of homework is your romantic archetype pointing out that you need to do? Dating after divorce is a fresh chance to design the life you’ve always dreamed of.

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

Dating Up (Part III)

By Melissa Balmer

“Sex appeal is fifty percent what you’ve got and fifty percent what people think you’ve got.” – Sophia Loren

As we’ve been discussing, for men the impact you create with your appearance really isn’t about whether you’re wearing the latest Prada shoes, rather it’s all about the manner in which you’ve styled yourself – then carrying it off with grace and aplomb. This is true whether we’re talking about a truck driver or one of the world’s top entrepreneur’s. Hone and own what you’ve got going for you with your appearance and sex appeal and men will line up to bask in your sexy limelight.

In order to hone and own (or own and hone) what’s great about your appearing and then unleashing your sex appeal you need to take honest stock of what’s going on with you right here right now:

Creating A Strong Sexy Foundation

Rather than think of your appearance as a mix of things that make you wince, and others that aren’t so bad (or are even down right good) why not think of yourself as a canvas on which you’re going to create your very own work of art to share with the world? Train yourself to look at what you’ve got going on with an honest eye but not one set on ripping yourself to shreds.

The Naked Truth

So how do you look naked? When we get right down to it dating and romantic relationships all have sex at their core. Attraction is about chemistry and chemistry is about sex. Unless you’re planning on being the world’s biggest teases (and I highly recommend you don’t) sooner or later you’re going to be getting naked in the sheets with the high rollers you have your sights set on so you need to be comfortable and happy when that happens. So strip down sister and take a look at what you see in the mirror – from all angles (and yes I mean all).

What are your strong points? Your shoulders? Your legs? Your breasts? What could use some help? See yourself as a whole woman and not a pile of imperfections. Could you tone up? Could you take better care of this naked self? Are you moisturized with lotion that smells wonderful and leaves your skin soft and luxuriant? Are you protected from the sun’s harm full rays with ample sunscreen? Do you have a simple but effective skin care program that leaves you feeling clean and that your skin looks great?

Let’s talk a moment about shaving. Of course your legs and underarms need to be shaved, but what about lower down? Most men don’t prefer a woman’s natural amount of hair; they’re too influenced by the naked pictures they see in magazines. I’m not suggesting you run out and get a regular “Brazilian” bikini wax, but I highly recommend that you keep your bikini line clean and even consider shaving those parts where a man spends a lot of time with his tongue – especially if you want him to spend a lot of time down there!

The Power Of Underwear

Do you wear bras and panties that work best for your figure type? Do you wear a bra that makes the most of your breasts? I’m amazed at how many women I see on the street wear ill fitting and unappealing shaped bras. You don’t have to be a C and above for a man to find your breasts wonderful, but you do need to present them in an appealing way.

Make sure your bras are the right size (not too big or small) and that they give your breasts the right support and a lovely shape. As far as panties go they too need to fit properly and not show under your clothing. Nothing ruins the look of a woman’s outfit more than panties that show bunched and wrinkled under her clothing. Also, unless you’re a young thing, the thong showing out the top of your pants or skirt really isn’t too be done. It looks like you’re trying too hard and nothing makes a woman look old and pathetic like trying too hard to be young. There are far more interesting ways to show off your sex appeal.

Here’s a very interesting and ironic thing about men, especially men with taste and money, they may not remember the color of the dress you were wearing out to dinner, but they’ll sure notice if your bra and panties don’t match later in the evening! For any woman wears a C cup and over you know what a challenge this has been for most of your life (and an expensive challenge at that). Fortunately the current lingerie boom has meant that even stores like Target and K-Mart now carry some very stylish and sexy matching bra and panty sets. If you can’t afford to have all of your bras and panties match (and few of us can) then have “special” bras and panties that you keep for dating, and remember that men like color, and especially dislike “nude”.

If you want to splurge, however, the sexiest, most elegant lingerie on the planet is either French or Italian, and yes, there are high rolling men out there who know their fine lingerie well. Get to know lines such as Cosabella and La Perla from Italy and Lise Charmel and Aubade from France. Their pieces are quite pricey, however, you can now find some great deals online, and of course if you’re patient, sooner or later your local lingerie shop will eventually put almost everything on sale.

You should also have tucked away in your lingerie drawer a few pieces for special romantic nights when you really want to blow a man’s mind. Yes, you should have a few things that are over the top sexy. You need to have a few pieces that make your stomach flutter with excitement and nerves at the idea of wearing them, but also make you get hot and bothered yourself. This means, my dear friends, that you’ve got to spend some time getting to know just what kind of sexy lingerie out there will capture your imagination and work for you. Fortunately for us there now exists the world of the Internet. Now you can browse super sexy lingerie and no one but you are the wiser. No one has to know that you’ve been pondering whether to buy the velvet bustier – or the leather one!

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

Infidelity – Why More Wives Cheat

By Melissa Balmer

“Physical infidelity is the signal, the notice given, that all fidelities are undermined.” – Katherine Anne Porter

Female infidelity has been a very hot topic in the media over the past year or so.

It seems that just about every major news outlet has brought up infidelity as a topic for an article or discussion lately. What I find fascinating about infidelity that as we women gain success and economic freedom in the workplace, the rate of women being unfaithful increases, and we’re now gaining significantly on men.

Apparently, now that many of us can pay our own way in a man’s world, we’re ready to behave in ways that have been traditionally seen as “male” as well – and that has some men very nervous indeed. I guess they don’t like getting a taste of their own medicine.

What some feminists have argued all along, however, is that it’s women, with our ability to rather easily have multiple sexual encounters in a given time period (and orgasms, if we’re lucky), who are the ones better suited for infidelity than men. As women gain true equality in society it’ll be fascinating to see if this hypothesis pans out.

Unfortunately, no matter which side of it you land on infidelity is tricky, heartbreaking business. And as the above quote indicates, by the time someone (either you, or your significant other) begins the slide into infidelity – via a flirtation, or a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, or even searching for an encounter on the Internet – the relationship is already in trouble. And with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, it bares contemplating that many of our romantic relationships probably start off on the wrong foot to begin with. But why?

There’s an old saying that “women don’t get enough love, and men don’t get enough sex” but I believe neither gender gets enough of either. When asked why infidelity reared its head in their relationships the answers women give tend to fall into the following categories:

- He Stopped Paying Attention and Making Her Feel Special

- He Changed or the Dynamic of the Relationship Did

- He Cheated and Now She’s Getting Even

Here’s a “truth” that very few of us want to face – successful romantic relationships are hard work. You don’t just fall in love as they do in the movies, and romance novels, and then waltz off into the sunset living happily ever after. Every day, in many ways, you have an opportunity to either strengthen or weaken your romance and sex life.

Where women so often get into trouble is that we feel guilty asking for what we need when we first notice our needs aren’t being met, so we gather up and push down our feelings, letting them build up until something that was quite small has gathered steam and become a train wreck of anger. That’s when infidelity happens, when we just can’t take it any more.

Let’s take a look at each of the above points and see what can be done about heading off infidelity at the pass:

He’s Stopped Making You Feel Special

Unfortunately, this can happen very soon – right as the two of you become an item (or in very sad cases, even before). Recognize that we all want to feel special in our romantic and sexual lives and it’s not a silly thing to ask for. But this is an area where great communication is really needed, because what your man thinks are the actions and words to use to make you feel special aren’t necessarily the ones that make you feel this way. You need to be very clear with your guy what does it for you. For example, men often buy very practical “gifts” for women that women find insulting. The men think they’re showing how much they care by wanting to make sure “you’re taken care of, and have the right tools to make your life comfortable” but what the woman usually wants (not always, but usually) is something personal that shows he totally “gets” her.

As unromantic as it sounds if you’re not blessed with a boyfriend or husband who has great gift buying skills you need to sit him down and train him. Show him magazines and catalogs with items you like, point out things in stores, and be clear with him that if he absolutely needs to buy you a down comforter than he’d better buy you something sexy and personal to go with it.

Often, however, it’s actions that make you feel special and cared for. When men are wooing women they’ll move heaven and earth to impress her with their intentions, but like all of us, the longer the relationship goes on, the more apt the men are to become lazy. So he stops remembering to pick up your dry cleaning on his way home, or doing his part of the chores, or opening doors for you, or telling you how lovely/sexy/beautiful you look today.

Don’t be shy, and don’t get mad and sulk, speak up right away and let him know you’re feeling neglected and uncared for well before infidelity starts to become an option in your mind.

He’s Changed or the Dynamic of the Relationship Has

When you got together he had a washboard stomach and ran three miles every day. Now he doesn’t want to get off the couch. The big secret about men and women is that men are the ones who enjoy the domestic routine the most, and they can become very fat happy lazy cats with a woman to look after them. If he’s let his appearance go and it bothers him, you need to find a loving way to let him know the facts. Offer to start an exercise program with him, sit down and plan out new healthier eating habits, but speak up, otherwise you might find yourself so annoyed that you start looking for someone new.

Another way infidelity creeps into relationships if that the dynamic of the relationship changes such as the man loses his job, or gets a lower paying job, than the woman has. Suddenly the woman’s the major bread winner and has more power in the relationship. She’s getting out in the world, and he’s staying home. Infidelity happens because women fall easily into the traditional man’s role and don’t stop to consider when the shoe was on the other foot. If you want your relationship to succeed than it needs to be equal regardless of who earns more.

You Want to Get Even

You found out he cheated on you and now you want to get even. We’re all tempted to get even when infidelity rears its head. It’s just human nature. But before taking such an action you need to ask yourself if you’re ready to give up your relationship – because that’s likely what will happen. We live in a society that still isn’t equal, so even if your boyfriend or husband has cheated he may expect you to take him back (he can kid himself that it didn’t mean anything, but then, can’t we all?) but he may view your infidelity as far more serious simply because you’re a woman. Is it fair? No, but you need to take it into consideration. If you don’t care, and the relationship is over, then it really is over, but know ahead of time that the guy you choose to get even with may want more from you than you’re ready to give.

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

Dating Up (Part IV)

By Melissa Balmer

Now that we’ve discussed how to put the best “you” out there to improve the caliber of the men you date, it’s time to discuss how best to unleash this new finely polished you into a better dating world.

It’s time for you to become a “society butterfly”. That’s right a “society butterfly” not a “social butterfly”. A “social butterfly” is merely a person who likes to know a lot of people, a “society butterfly” is instead a person who knows the movers and shakers in whatever city or town she lives in (and if she’s smart the surrounding cities and towns as well). And why is it so important to know these movers and shakers? Because they are the people who get things done, and people who get things done a) know a lot of other people and b) usually move in interesting social circles. In order to succeed at vastly improving your dating pool you need both.

Please note your goal in becoming a “society butterfly” isn’t so that you can flirt with every successful man you come across, it’s to build a strong social network for yourself so that you’ll begin to have an interesting, broad array of friends and acquaintances in your city or town to spend your social time with. The flirting will come a bit later when you’ve started to be invited to all sorts of events and parties.

So just how do you begin to know the movers and shakers in your city or town in an easy step by step process?

Get To Know The “Who’s Who” Where You Live

We live in a media obsessed age, but most of us are only obsessed with the national entertainment and fashion media. This is a grave mistake. If you want to be both a “society butterfly”, and get to know a better caliber of men in your local area you need to know what’s going on (in the fields that truly interest you) right here, right now, right where you live. It’s fine to read Vogue if you love fashion (I recommend that you do) but you need to also know what’s going on with local designers. Who’s up and coming? What about musicians, architects, business? Read your local papers and magazines created for your general area. You’ll find they cover all sorts of interesting people living right under your nose, that you’ve never heard of, doing very impressive and interesting things.

Once you start to read the local papers and magazines you’ll start to become very familiar with the movers and shakers in the various fields in your area. If someone does something that you find particularly impressive do some research and find out how to write them a note, or email them, to tell them how touched you were by their actions. Is this brown nosing? Not if you’re sincere (and not if you don’t keep writing them to the point of stalking them). Want to really make a positive impression? Send them a hand written note on beautiful stationary and include your business card (if you have don’t have business cards have a personal card made at www.vistaprint for a great price) so they can get in touch with you in return if they like. Don’t be disappointed if you don’t hear from them. Some day you will.

Great stationary is a great personal statement. I recently found the site www.stationarystudio.com that creates very beautiful stationary, including personalized, for very good prices. Why not treat yourself to something that really makes a “statement” about you?

Once you’ve done enough research you’ll start recognizing the various charities and other organizations that people you’d like to know are involved in. The next step is to sign up to help the charity yourself.

The Wonderful World of Charities

Charity organizations are one of best ways to get close to, and learn from, the kinds of people you’re impressed with, and a great way to expand your social horizons in general. It’s also a great way for a shy person to step forward in a rather painless way and get involved with making something great happen for her community. Another wonderful thing about charities is that they always need help. When looking for a charity to be involved in it’s important to keep a few things in mind:

1) Choose a charity that focuses on something close to your heart, otherwise you’ll not only come across as insincere, you’ll also lose interest soon and defeat the purpose of joining.

2) Choose a charity that’s large enough to be well organized, otherwise you might find yourself overwhelmed with responsibilities you have no skills or time for.

3) Choose a charity that’s successful at raising money by throwing large events.

4) Choose a charity that interests both women and men – obviously.

Most of what I’ve written above are reasons that make themselves quite obvious, but why do I want you to join a charity that’s successful at raising money by throwing large events? I have two reasons; one is that the successful charities are run by successful people and attract successful people to give money to them. You’re interested in upping the caliber of the people you both know and date, so you need to know these people. The second reason is that you will learn a myriad of important social skills by being involved in throwing a big grand event. In the beginning you’ll be given grunt work. Accept it with good grace, and be a joy to work with, and you’ll quickly move up so long as you make it clear that you want to.

You want to become known as a person who can make things happen, within the budget and time constraints, and works well with others. Do this and you’ll create a positive vibe about yourself. You’ll become known as a person moving her way up, making good things happen, and others with greater experience will start to help you succeed – as long as you’re responsible and gracious.

And guess what? You’ll need to know all about how to be responsible, gracious, and work well with others if you want to date very successful men. Living in the lap of luxury may seem easy as pie, and while it’s certainly easier than being poor, it come with a whole heap of responsibilities you can’t even imagine until you get out and about and start seeing the sort of effort it takes to make big projects happen. Being involved in charities will teach you much you need to know.

Stay tuned for the next edition of “Dating Up” — on how you can really start to “stand out” from the crowd…

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

How to Sell Yourself

By Melissa Balmer

Whether we like it or not there’s an aspect of “selling ourselves” when it comes to looking for love. We can hate it, we can bitch and moan about it, but since it’s impossible for a member of the opposite sex (or anyone else for that matter) to look straight into our heart, soul and desires and see the real “us” within a few minutes (or even weeks, months and years) of knowing us, we have no choice but to do our best to let them know who we are via our communications skills.

And that’s where we often get into trouble. Most of us don’t believe the real “us” is going to bring us great prospects. We think the dating game is like the employment game (and yes, there are plenty of people out there telling us they are one in the same) and that just as we put the “right” spin on ourselves in our resumes, we need to put the “right” spin on ourselves personally order to reel in the “right” kind of guy. There are, however, two big problems with this approach:

1) You end up selling yourself as a Chevy when really you’re a Ford

2) Your idea of the “right” man might not be ideal for you after all

Selling The Wrong You

Should you put forth the best you when looking for love? Absolutely. Letting someone know about every bad thing that’s happened to you in the past three years in the first ten minutes of the first date, or the very first email, is never a good idea. We all have tough things that happen and we shouldn’t pretend otherwise, but a first date isn’t the time to burden this new person. If you lead in with your troubles you’ll only attract the sort of men who are looking to save someone, who only knows how

to be a shoulder to cry on and offer advice (which he will expect to be taken) – not a man who’s looking to be in an equal relationship. On the other hand, if you present yourself as someone who’s life is all sunshine and good times a man may be very intimidated and feel you’re not very human. It’s a challenging balancing act. The best way to handle it? Ask yourself how much you like to know when first meeting a new man.

Where most women really stumble in presenting their real selves, however, is regarding our true tastes and interests. We either fabricate tastes and interests to present for “dating” that we feel will be more alluring than our own true tastes and interests (these are tastes and interests we see as popular with friends, family and the media), or we quickly agree with our date and his professed tastes and interests. Like it or not we’re lying in both cases. Our tastes and interests are an integral part of our very being. Oh sure, in order to keep seeing a certain guy (or heck, even marry him) we can keep up the façade of being wild about Nascar, beer, and fly fishing but sooner or later our mask is going to slip and our real self is going to show.

Do yourself a favor and show her from the very beginning. A man has every right to be hurt and angry when the real you shows her true colors and admits that no, you don’t like spending all Sunday with his family when you’ve been going along with it happily for three months (or or six months, or even three years). If you haven’t been honest with him about how you really like to spend your time he can’t be expected to read your mind.

And no, it isn’t obvious to men how you’d prefer to spend your time. You have to tell them. In fact, you have to spell it out very clearly.

Selling To The Wrong Guy

Who we want to attract for a romantic relationship is a very personal thing, and yet we’re constantly told by our friends, family and the media about who we “should” want. Are you certain that the type of man you’re looking to attract is the type of man who is really attractive to you? Or are you looking to attract a man that will make you impressive to friends and business colleagues? Are you looking for the sort of man who will make your own heart sing, or make your parents happy?

Sometimes the ideals of our friends and families are so strong and ingrained within us that they feel as if they’re our own. It takes time and attention to our feelings to sort through and find out what’s really what. Fortunately, your own personal entertainment choices are a great way to figure out the exactly the kind of men who appeal to you:

1) Who are your favorite male heroes in your favorite books? What is it about these men who made you admire and be attracted to them?

2) Who are your favorite male T.V. characters and why? As above, what is it about these characters that made you admire them?

3) Who are your favorite male movie heroes and why? Again, what is it about these characters that made you admire them?

Please be as specific as possible about each character – take the time to really figure out why he caught your attention and admiration. As you do this exercise you may find out that while you thought you were drawn to quirky artistic guys what really thrills you are high powered executives (like Tom Cruise often plays), or you might be a successful career woman who realizes she’s crazy for a man who’s great with his hands and can build things.

Allowing Your Taste

There’s no judgment here about who’s right and who’s wrong – your taste is your taste and that’s exactly what you need to be clear about in order to start drawing the right men to you. Stop looking to others for what sort of guy you “should” want and start tuning into your own heart and mind. The truth may surprise you.

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

How To Have Fun With The Mating Game

By Melissa Balmer

Hello Melissa,

There is tons of advice for men how to raise their score with women and so little about the other way round. My question: What precise actions can I undertake as a woman to become a “magnet for men” apart from being beautiful, which I am, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to encourage men to approach me. Or: How do I seduce men without being looked upon as a slut? Kind regards,

Freya

Hi Freya:

Thank you for reading Seduction Insider. Our women’s section is new so please check back often as we will have more articles for women coming in the next weeks and months.

You’re right. There isn’t as much information for women online as there is for men. My personal theory for this is that in the U.S. and Britain women will happily go to the bookstore and buy relationship books while men won’t. Men prefer the privacy of the internet.

Now let’s get down to what I advise. Beauty is no guarantee of popularity with men. Beautiful women often intimidate men especially if they appear aloof. If you happen to be shy yourself you’ve got a real problem because no one’s starting the conversation.

You state that you don’t want to be looked upon as a slut, and that’s certainly understandable. I do want you to notice, however, that men feel more comfortable approaching a women who seems easy and comfortable with her sexuality – i.e. one who dresses sexy. They figure if a woman dresses sexy she likes herself and sex and they think she’ll be more open to speaking with them.

I’m not for one minute suggesting that you buy a whole new wardrobe, but I am suggesting that if you’re comfortable dressing a little sexier than you do now it might be a good idea when you go out.

Also, men are very attracted to women who know how to enjoy themselves and have a good time regardless of the situation. A woman who can laugh at herself and the minor foibles of life is very seductive. You may have had the experience of meeting men more easily on vacation because you left your worries at home. Challenge yourself to do this when in social situations. Try your best to put yourself in an easy happy frame of mind. Create a mantra for yourself before you go out that you repeat again and again in the car, bus, etc. so that you get out of your every day stresses and into a mode of having a good time.

For shy and reserved people I highly recommend connecting with members of the opposite sex via internet dating. Take your time choosing a site that feels right for you and has profiles of men you find interesting – and then unlike what most women do – don’t sit back and wait for the men to approach you. Write to men you find interesting even if you find it embarrassing and difficult to do. Women need to understand what pressure men feel under to always be the ones to start everything. It isn’t fair. Write to men who you feel you have shared common interests, write to men who’ve traveled to places you’d like to go, write to men you find attractive – you don’t have to come on strong, just let them know that you find them interesting and would like to know more about them.

Make sure you post a good recent pic of yourself and try to be as interesting and creative with your profile as you can. Let the real you, and what you’re looking for in a relationship shine through. And of course, many men will write directly to you first.

Most of all learn to have fun at the whole mating game and you’ll find you draw men to you. I wish you great success and hope you’ll keep reading.

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.

Why Men Lie

By Melissa Balmer

I decided to go straight to the horse’s mouth this time girls and ask a group of men I know straight out the top three reasons why they think men lie to women, and then why they personally have lied to women themselves. I found their answers very honest, enlightening and I think you will too. I also found it very interesting that more than one of the men stated different reasons for why he believes men lie in general and why he has lied himself.

Here is what Mark a 28 year old technical writer had to say:

Top Three Reasons Men Lie In General:

1) For Sex

2) To Avoid Conflict

3) To Avoid Doing Something He Doesn’t Want To Do

My Personal Reasons For Having Lied To Women:

1) I don’t know that I’ve ever lied outright for sex. Hmmm. Probably. Hard to believe that I haven’t.

2) If I’ve forgotten to do something, but I can do it before the lie can be found out, and I’m dealing with someone who will get bent out of shape, I’ll lie. Note that I’ll only do this with women who take it personally that I forgot and who will whine and get offended.

3) For number 3, this is a catch all: “I have to work late” to get out of some thing or another. Though, if I’ve said I have to work late, I do then generally work late. I don’t say I have to work late, then go do something else. Also, if I’ve already committed, I don’t then bag out at the last minute unless I really have to work late.

Jeff, a 32 year old grad student thinks his reasons concur with those of men in general:

My Personal Reasons For Having Lied To Women:

1) I lied because I did something wrong and I didn’t want to face up to it

2) I lied because I felt roped into a commitment

3) I lied because I didn’t want to worry her

Here’s some very honest and insightful views from Brett, a 36 year old P.R. executive in Los Angeles had to say:

Top Three Reasons Men Lie To Women:

1) Because they’re insecure. They’d never get the date if they admitted they were 5’6” or made less than $30,000 a year, so they figure they’ll “fudge” the truth and hopefully she’ll fall for him for all the other reasons women fall for men (that covers pretty much everything, by the way – as most things fall under the umbrella of insecurity). Alas, she won’t.

2) Because they have something to hide. This is another form of insecurity, since the truth often hurts. For example, if you’re married and looking for a fling, you’re most likely not going to admit to being married. Pretty much anything that will prevent one from getting a date will be glossed over for obvious reasons. Why tell someone you’re on Prozac? Or that your last relationship was emotionally abusive? Or that you’re fifty pounds overweight but “working on it”? This is what I call “bad truth”. You’re not lying, but you’re not giving full disclosure either. It makes sense – it just doesn’t end well in most cases.

3) Because they can. You’re not immediately accountable for anything when you’re hiding behind a computer screen and a fictitious username. Lying allows people to play out their fantasies and act more powerful than real life allows them to. Again it makes logical sense, but people adopting different personas online only set themselves up for failure in real life.

My Reasons For Lying To Women:

It may sound like a lie, but I never lie online. You need a healthy ego to be yourself in full, but the rewards are that no one will ever feel deceived when they meet you. I don’t disclose my income, or mention my dislikes at all – because why alienate anyone? Probably my most common non-disclosure is the don’t ask/don’t tell policy of dating multiple people. Women I’ve met often breach that by discussing their date last night or their upcoming date. I think it’s safe to assume most people are dating multiple people – there’s no value to mentioning it, however.

Usually it’s just to stay on even ground. Women are more deceitful in “dating situations.” and even though they say they are not dating others, they usually have more opportunity and will play the field more often. I find that too taxing and usually date one at a time. But I frequently, well, in the past, have found that women (LA women let’s say) are not just dating to find a better match – they are dating multiples to find the best “deal” among them. When I discover this type of woman, Oh, let’s call her a gold-digger for old times sake, I feel no compunction to tell the truth, but usually only lie for fun cause they won’t be around me for very much longer anyway…

Here’s what Sam a 33 year old special effects wizard had to say:

I would imagine that all people lie because they are attempting to avoid confrontations that they know would arise if they told the truth. With that in mind this isn’t always a bad thing, but there is a fine line between what might be considered acceptable avoidance and deception. So, here are three examples spanning that range…

Top Three Reasons Men Lie To Women:

1) You’re asked a leading question by your partner with no right answer. Example: Ex – Do you think she’s hotter than me? Am I fat? Etc…

2) You’re asked a question in which telling the truth will be to no ones benefit assuming that your actions are within reason. Example: Girlfriend “Were you drinking last night?” Guy “Yes” Girlfriend “Who were you with last night?” Guy “Mike” Girlfriend “Did you get a lap dance?” Guy “Yes”. If my girlfriend doesn’t want me drinking, hanging out with certain friends, or getting lap dances you’ll have shit to deal with, when the reality of these things is that they’re probably harmless in moderation.

3) You’re doing something devious and are totally busted like “What’s up with those charges from the Bunny Ranch” or “What are these hundreds of hours of phone calls to this number?”

More fascinating responses coming next week…

Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www..com.