Letting Go Of Fear And Suspicion

I have been reading some of your articles and would like to know what your opinion is on this. About ten years ago, I managed to spend a year abroad, when I was 22, and met people from all different countries.

Then, about a month into the new academic year, the Italians turned up. In about two weeks, there was not a single Italian man. I am still asking myself how they did it. I asked one of them and he said things like he would just keep pestering or talking to a girl until she gave in.

I do know that the Italians were very charming even with men !, made you feel important and that you were the center of their world, very nice and pleasant, very comfortable about themselves, kind, knew how to chat up women (almost as though it had been learnt from birth), 100% comfortable about themselves emotionally (even more than physically), brought out the positive in a person, made people feel good about themselves, and 100% targeted on results, but they also knew something that I don`t know AND AM STILL TRYING TO FIND OUT !!!!

I have had more failure than success. Although girls seem to like me, and I know for a fact that many girls have fancied me, I don`t think I`m getting anywhere at the moment and am having nowhere near the success rate of my Italian friends. Showing my weaknesses honestly now, I suppose I`m quite shy really. I`m not aggressive as a person unless I am pushed. I can make a good first impression, but don`t really know how to follow through OR WHAT TO SAY or carry on a conversation without making it look obvious or as though I am pestering the girl and get the result without driving the girl away (yes, on basic psychology, I fear rejection so my male pride is not hurt), and am desperately looking for a proper method to do this.

To be honest, I`m probably quite fearful of showing my real emotions to a girl or getting close. I suppose I`ve got quite a suspicious nature really. I always think the girl is going to compare me to better guys. I`m not sure if I am getting the message through clearly enough.

Though there is one thing that seems to generate positive results. If I`m 101% mentally relaxed and not too serious or tense or wrapped up with my own problems, but light hearted and take the whole thing as a bit of a joke, girls seem to be attracted to me like a magnet to metal. Also, they seem to like it when I am not afraid to show my own emotions and keep positive about things.

In spite of all that I think things can turn things round. I realize that I am my own worst enemy and that I need to change my way of thinking and confidence level to get what I want. Have you got any good specific advice for me?

(Edited for length)

I`ve always got specific advice for you guys, and I`ll try to address most of your questions here.

In my usual, analytical style, let`s break this down, shall we?

First, THE "ITALIAN FACTOR"

You saw something that women the world over have known for years, and many men have either come to emulate or resent.

Italian men get pussy.

Sorry, did that shock you?

Good. It`s going to get even better. Wait until I get into my racial stereotyping.

I`m half-Italian, half-British, and let me tell you, if I were to put my "Lord Byron" personality out there next to my "Don Juan DeMarco" personality, Don Juan gets laid like it`s going out of style, and Lord Byron sits in the corner twirling his mustache and keeping a stiff upper lip ... and nothing else stiff.

I do, in fact, have both of these personalities at work, and I use the British side to maintain the emotional self-control that only my tea drinking, beer swilling mates across the Pond can appreciate. While, on the other hand, my Italian side is the emotional firestorm that burns faster than a bone-dry Redwood forest in August.

What is the Italian factor?

PASSION.

EMOTION.

CONFIDENCE.

ROMANCE.

MYSTERY.

MEATBALLS.

Okay, the last one was to make sure you were paying attention. (But I like to make sure the women know where the beef is kept ... Sorry, couldn`t resist.)

Seriously, the things that make women swoon over Italian men is their NO FEAR attitude when it comes to making them feel appreciated and loved. Italians will approach a woman, pull her hand to them and yank her next to them as they look fetchingly into their eyes. They whisper a phrase with unshaking confidence - "Picciare e tutto mio, signora ... che bella donna..." and the women swoon.

(*Please note that not ALL members of a particular ethnicity are the same, however, there are many traits that ARE common. These are cultural norms. But, as always, there are exceptions to the rules.)

Now, you`re also looking far too hard. You seem to think there is a mysterious "Italian Factor" that is not on the charts - something they have beyond those traits you`ve observed. They really don`t. What you`re sensing but not being able to figure out is their ATTITUDE, the overall fusion of all those traits. Yes, I know, I ranted about attitude a couple issues ago, but it is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DEVELOP!!!!

Do I need to scream that again?

CONFIDENCE!

POSTURE!

ATTITUDE!

You said it yourself, mi amico. You could emulate all those behaviors you observed in the Italians, and there is one hidden belief that is tripping you up and undermining everything you do.

FEAR and SUSPICION.

You see, if you can`t shed your deeply ingrained belief that women (or men) are consistently out to do you wrong, you`ll never be able to come across openly and warmly to other people.

Trust me on this, because I still struggle with it to this day.

90% of our communication is done NON-verbally. Without words. Your body language, your expressions, your overall aura. All of that communicates to a person what you`re REALLY saying.

So, if you feel you`re probably giving off a suspicious and mistrustful vibe, you can bet every Euro in your bank account that women (and men) are picking up on it and are not willing to give you back the benefit of the doubt.

All of this is nice and well, I can hear you guys saying, but what can you do to overcome it?

You`ve already figured out the answer to that, too.

"If I`m 101% mentally relaxed and not too serious or tense or wrapped up with my own problems, but light hearted and take the whole thing as a bit of a joke, girls seem to be attracted to me like a magnet to metal"

So there you go!

You need to RELAX, dude.

I`d be willing to bet that in most encounters with women, you`re putting up a vibe to them that says this:

"You`re nice, and I`m sure I`d like to sleep with you, as well as get to know you better. BUT, there`s a part of me that just can`t believe you won`t do something to hurt me or betray me, or let me down. So, I`m going to hold back, and I`m going to let you risk yourself first. THEN I`ll open up and be more trusting."

People sense this holding back and will hold back themselves because of it. Despite the fact that it seems to be a chicken-and-the-egg syndrome, you just have to suck it up and take the chance.

Fear is perfectly normal, as is a small bit of suspicion. The key to unlock their limiting and inhibiting affect is to act in spite of them.

Fearful? Do something anyway.

Suspicious? Give without expecting to receive. Do the thing that your fear and suspicion would stop you from doing and YOU WIN.

Remember this: Most men`s failures with women can be tracked back to needing something from them TOO MUCH.

You want specific advice?

1) Start hanging around women in all kinds of situations. Make their company something that is so ordinary that it is boring. When women cease to be intimidating, you`ll start to relax a lot more. Right now, I suspect you treat women like dainty unique creatures from Perfect Island, where they never fart or poop and always smell wonderful. Humanize the women in your life, not idolize.

2) Start working on emotional exposure. Show your emotions to people more often. Take the risks of showing your inner feelings, without coming across as unhinged or weird. Be willing to show a little passion in your words. Risk yourself.

3) Study the language of passion and emotions. Read poetry. Memorize passionate verses that evoke imagery and feeling. Words are the currency of interaction, and if you are fluent enough, you can make women swoon with your skill in language. Also, study some NLP. (Neuro-linguistic Programming.)

4) Keep studying the people in your life that get results with women. Then think a little harder about what kind of beliefs these people have in order to behave that way. Do what they do. Don`t question it! Just DO IT.

5) You already pointed out every trait of yours you know you need to work on. It`s time to do the REAL work of sitting down with an open mind and start planning what you`re going to do to overcome these limitations: Shyness, lack of aggressiveness, fear, suspicion, understanding of conversation skills. Women are smelling your NON-Alpha Dog behavior and penalizing you by not giving you success. What are your alternatives? Do NOTHING and get NOTHING - OR - Do something to learn and change these patterns, and then get RESULTS.

6) You also already pointed out every trait of your Italian friends that you KNOW worked: "very nice and pleasant, very comfortable about themselves, kind, knew how to chat up women (almost as though it had been learnt from birth), 100% comfortable about themselves emotionally (even more than physically), brought out the positive in a person, made people feel good about themselves, and 100% targeted on results"

Get to work on developing those. If you can get the hang of those traits, you`ve won most of the battle. That just about sums up a man of confident attitude, don`t you think? What makes you think there`s something MORE to it? Oh, because that would mean this mysterious "Italian factor" is something you were born without and therefore have an excuse that you can`t develop because it`s not inherited. Please. You`re looking right at the Truth but refusing to see.

Just remember this: Don`t ever be the man sitting in front of the cold fireplace, scowling and yelling "First you give me heat and THEN I`ll give you wood!"

Life doesn`t work like that, guys. I know you know better than this.