10 Ways to Heat Up a Cool Relationship

Flirt with each other

In her book Hot Sex, Australian sex expert Tracey Cox says that flirting is a definite turn-on. "Flirting sends natural amphetamines and endorphins surging through the body,

stimulating an instant emotional `high` not unlike orgasm."

Hell, how can you say no?

Flirting is usually described as "casual conversation with a romantic spark," and the consensus seemed to be that it is a learnable skill.

Some tips offered on Sexuality.org are:

* Remind your woman that you`re interested specifically in HER as a person; such a move will also provide an opportunity for any discussion to take a romantic turn;

* Look for humor in what she says, and let yourself laugh at her jokes if you find them funny;

* Try to look your best (as you more than likely did in your early days of courting this woman), and use good posture and eye contact;

* Don`t act needy;

* Don`t be insincere.

How do you know it’s working? Here are some clues, especially if you observe her doing several of these things at once:

* If she is acting more flirtatious toward you than toward other people at the same event;

* If her friends are paying attention to you when she isn`t around (often a clue that this person has talked to her friends about you);

* If she is smiling while listening to you, and seems to be listening especially "actively."

But of course one inevitably must come to know what not to do: in fact, this may be the most important point of all:

* Don`t depend on others to make things happen;

* Don`t lead-on (i.e. offering more than you intend to give);

* Don`t be clingy;

* Don`t dwell on your performance;

* Don`t fidget.

Talk Dirty

If this seems too silly, don`t push it. But even if you collapse into a fit of giggles, at least you`re having fun together, right? Just as long as you`re laughing with each other -- rather than at each other -- you`ll be fine.

So how does a man do this without sounding like an idiot, or pervert, or worse?... especially if the woman already knows him well? Let’s pick the mind of a woman to please a woman: Barbara Keesling, Ph.D., has written a book entitled Bad Libs: The Good Girls` Guide to Talking Dirty. She describes some of the best methods of using wordplay to your advantage. For example:

“Did you ever go to summer camp? One of my fondest memories is when the lights in our cabin would go out and a dozen 12-to-14-year-old girls would play Mad-Libs in the dark. Mad-Libs (a take-off on ad-libs) involved fill-in-the-blank stories that revolved around a theme that wasn`t revealed until all of the blanks had been filled in.

It`s time to play this ad-lib game again, but a much more adult version. This time the theme is S-E-X, and the blanks are going to be filled in with the words and phrases that you would use to describe your fantasies.

Bad Lib #1

Theme: A Letter to Your Lover

Here`s a great way to [re]introduce your new vocabulary to your lover (and warm up your "engine" at the same time). Just imagine how thrilled they’ll be to find this letter waiting on their pillow!

‘I`ve been thinking about you all day and about how much I love your (noun). I can`t get it out of my head. I love the way it feels in my (noun). Just thinking about it there makes my (noun) (adjective). I wish you were here right now so that I could run my (noun) up and down your (noun). No one`s (noun) has ever affected me the way yours does. The way you (verb) me with it makes me want to scream. My (noun) is (verb)-ing just imagining you (verb)-ing me. Come and get me, baby. My (noun) is your (noun).’”

The Art of Kissing

Yes, kissing. In the rush to slide into home plate, you two may be forgetting to do a little lingering around first base. We`re here to act as first-base coach and to tell you that sometimes a one-base run to start things off is best.

Consider these rules on kissing from ‘Lovingyou.com’:

“The first thing to do when kissing is RELAX. Think about nothing at all but the kiss you`re giving. Better yet, just don`t think.

Start with lips either just slightly parted or closed -- and no tongue! [The tongue can make its entrance later in the show.] Right now relax your lips, but don`t let them mush up. Allow yourself to feel like you are completely confident in what you are doing. It makes the world of difference.

Kiss like there was nothing more you would like to do than be right there with your love kissing them.

Another pointer a lot of people forget is the usage of your hands. Use them on non-erotic zones, like the back, the shoulders, and the arms. Another great place is the back of the neck with a tender massage of the head.

Make it romantic. Kissing is one of the most romantic things you can do. Try not to make it always sexual (emphasis added). Pretend it`s the first time you`ve ever kissed this person.

Try something different:

* Keep your eyes open.

* Kiss your partner in places other than just the lips; light kisses on the forehead, around the ears, the neck, and shoulders would be an excellent start. You can think of some other places to kiss your lady later, can’t you?

* Add variety. Give small kisses in between the big ones.

And always end a kiss with a small soft ending kiss.

A Time to Kiss

There is always time for a kiss but some places can be more fun and romantic. Below is a list of a few great places and occasions to kiss or be kissed:

* When you first see her, morning or evening . . .

* When she is departing, morning or evening;

* At a stoplight;

* On the beach at sunset / sunrise;

* In the shower.” [My personal favorite]

Keep The Lights On

Leave the lights on and really look at each other while you`re making love. You`ll find that you connect on a mental level as well as a physical level. There is good reason indeed to swear by this simple tactic.

I can remember once meeting a gorgeous girl for a weekend of pleasure after knowing her for only a few months: she was 21, brunette, with a sexy hourglass body. We were beginning to really know each other, and decided to let nature take its course. The problem was that she, for some reason, felt shy about letting the lights on. If it had been one of those quick, sudden moments of passion with someone you barely know, it might not have mattered quite so much. But it was more than just sex, so it did matter to each of us what the other was thinking, feeling -- that connection really mattered.

In the end, that weekend didn`t turn out so well. We couldn’t make a good physical connection. Things fell apart, and we eventually split up.

About a month later, I hooked up with a small but very well-built girl I’d known for about six months; we were in my car and I was driving her to the local coffeehouse. Things began to happen. I pulled off the road as the heat flew and parked in the front of a shopping center.

More things happened. I quickly moved the car to the back of the shopping center, definitely needing some privacy. The sun was blazing overhead. We did what came naturally, and it was great. We were reading each other like an erotic book; besides, every moment spent uncovering this or that part of the other brought an immense joy, since that uncovering took place in plain sight.

Wherever we were after that, she and I always tried to keep the lights on when we could manage to get away with it.

Sex is by definition a sensual activity. As I discovered, taking away one of the most principal senses at such a moment is like fighting a man with one arm tied behind your back. All senses should be employed during the game of sex, unless the occasional deprivation is itself part of a fun game.

But of course, some women are like the first one I mentioned: not possessing a body resembling that of a traditional supermodel, they often fail to give their man this kind of sensory enjoyment, even if they’re built like a brick s***house, which was in fact the case of the first woman I described. So that’s where you have to work to make your woman realize, in no uncertain terms, that if you didn’t find her body sexy, you wouldn’t be in bed with her in the first place. Let her know that you really want to keep the lights on -- that you`re attracted to her body and want to `look`.

It might take some time to convince her, but it’s well worth it.

Send Sexy Undies

Is rour lover going on a trip without you? If you have the panache, you could find a way to slip your sexiest undies into your lover`s briefcase, especially if you gave her a very special ‘send-off’ the night before. Some experts also suggest adding a list of ten things you`d love to do to her "right that second."

Teased and Tied

According to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, author of The Great Sex Weekend, this is a favorite fantasy of women. Tie your partner up and tease her until she can barely stand it. Then stop, wait, and start again.

For those of you who are interested, there are some interesting sites that discuss the ways in which people can safely experiment with this “different” way of having fun. One such place is a website called ‘Bondage University’, which should give you some reasonable (and interesting) bits of reading. For example:

”The Two Ways limbs ‘fall asleep’

1. Circulation

Poorly done bondage, particularly at the wrists or ankles, will inhibit circulation. The sub will feel a numbness or slight tingling. Sometimes it will feel uncomfortable, sometimes not. (We`ve all had the experience of having a foot fall asleep.) Temporary inhibition of circulation is not a problem unless the sub is feeling pain. Ask the sub whether they want the bondage adjusted or removed. Their decision is law.

2. Nerve endings

If bondage is pinching nerve paths, the sub will feel shooting pains or focused pain. Never interfere with nerve paths. If the sub believes the bondage is blocking a nerve path, remove the bondage immediately.

Binding the wrists behind the back pulls breathing muscles taut. For captives lacking flexibility, the reduced supply of oxygen can cause headaches or fainting. Be alert to the captive`s physical limitations and reactions.

Time Limits

Healthy participants can enjoy [most positions] for about an hour. If you`re not in prime health, try about a half hour for any given position. If you`re trying something new, limit the first exposure to a half hour.

To prolong your bondage sessions, vary hand placement -- for example, start with hands behind, then after a half hour, switch to a hands-front position, etc.

Safewords

A Safeword is a word, sound or action that is used to communicate during a scene. If you are not playing "roles" during a scene, you can just tell each other when you want something, but if you`re gagged or "in role," communication can be more difficult. Common Safewords are "red," "mercy," the word "safeword," or humming a specific tune. Safeword actions can be things like snapping your fingers, raising your foot, or dropping car keys from your hand.

Quick Release

Safety scissors (medical scissors) can be purchased at pharmacies. Designed for removing bandages, the scissors have a flat outer side to protect skin when cutting binds. These are perfect for completing saran-wrap scenes.”

Jettison the Missionary

Consider why this most simple of positions is called the missionary: it was for centuries the approved sexual position of the Christian Churches, simply because it provided the least amount of sexual thrills. Sex was good only for baby-making, the Church said, and anything more was from the Devil. For years, the story goes, missionaries would go throughout the world trying hard to make the rest of mankind equally uptight, with mixed results at best. But they never failed to advocate this position to new converts as the only legitimate means of making babies without falling into the trap of fun, and so the name “missionary position” has been haplessly stuck to this thing ever since.

It’s been said that trying out new sexual positions may be the major key to regaining some of that titillation factor. Most couples are itching to try exotic positions, but are often too embarrassed to try something new. To quote one sex expert, "most men like a woman to get on top of them" from time to time -- it can give the woman a rare feeling of real control, and there’s now a set up for much more action... nipple sucking and pulling (by both of you), hip grinding, and general up and down pole-action.

Hint: Most women tend to prefer the doggy-style position because it allows the man both maximum use of the hands and maximum penetration... Reach around and rub her clit... If you`re bold, slip a finger (or two) into her anus (this drives most women crazy!).

Make the Moves

Regardless of what women say in women`s magazines and to their friends, in the bedroom they want a man who is usually in charge. Power is one of the biggest sexual turn-ons there is. Why? A man who takes charge in the bedroom appears to be a man sure of himself, and sure that he truly wants and desires the woman he’s with -- two fundamental aspects that any woman wants in her man.

Now use your head here, guys. We said women like men who take charge in the bedroom, not men who are Mussolinis in the bedroom. There’s a difference between taking charge of the action and just bossing someone around. There’s a reason this is called ‘lovemaking’ and not ‘training’, after all -- remember that.

Also, this doesn’t mean your lady can’t initiate some serious action, or even take charge now and again if you both wish. That’s fine, and it can certainly be fun. But the hard truth of the matter is that sex is, to some degree, always about power -- and women simply prefer a man who knows how to assert himself and take charge between the sheets without becoming a jerk in the process.

Look In the Mirror

Men and women are visual creatures; if you’re looking for a way to spice up your romance, try looking into a mirror during sex. After all, sneaking a peek at yourselves satisfies both your inner exhibitionist and inner voyeur.

And, if the mirrors are large enough, you might feel like you`re taking part in a real-life porn!

Want a sure-fire way to start a hot session? Wait until you two have set some ‘special time’ aside and you’re alone. Watch her as she is walking about, getting ready for the evening; rest assured, every moment she is on her feet she is concerning herself with how she looks for the evening -- and of course, how she looks for you. Therefore she will be utterly unable to keep herself away from a mirror for any great length of time, particularly if this evening is to be a special one.

If there is nowhere you two absolutely have to be anytime soon, this might be the moment to make your move. Try to catch her as she stands before a large mirror; one large enough for her to see her face and the top half of her body (to her hips) would be perfect. She may fiddle a bit with her make-up; she will undoubtedly be checking her hair. Walk up behind her, slowly, silently. Press into her gently, letting her feel your hardening penis through both of your clothing. Wrap first one arm around her midsection, then the other, and let both hands slowly fall to her waist. A soft kiss on the neck at this time is always good.

Don’t interrupt her from looking in the mirror; let her continue what she’s doing. Everything should seem effortless and spontaneous. One arm of yours should stay around her waist, while the other slowly becomes more daring and active. Tell her she looks great tonight. She may look around to kiss you; that’s fine, but don’t let her turn completely around. Make sure her attention remains focused on what she can see of the two of you in the mirror. In fact, feel free to tell her to keep her eyes ahead and on the mirror in front of her.

As your hands snake up to her breasts, tell her how incredible they feel; look into the mirror at that moment, directly into her eyes as you say it. Try to make sure she can see every single movement of yours now, every caress. Kiss her on the neck again. Then let that hand fall very slowly to the stomach, then lower still. Let that hand glide across the front of her body like a feather until it reaches its final destination. Whisper to her as you do this. Tell her to keep looking at herself, tell her to look right into her own eyes as you slowly explore her . . .

Get the idea? Take it from here....

The Art of Oral Sex

I haven’t met a girl yet who doesn’t enjoy a passionate round of the oral Olympics. And those of you in the know realize that’s the correct phrase for it, because anyone talented enough to truly be good at it deserves a medal . . .

It’s probably the hardest single part of sex for someone to do well. And if your partner doesn`t seem to be enjoying it as much as you, it tends to squash your enthusiasm a bit.

If you detect this is the case, take the radical approach of simply asking your lover to lie back and tell you what works best for them -- and what doesn’t. If your woman likes oral sex and is worth anything, she herself knows full well how tough it can be to become really good at this (that’s perhaps the biggest advantage of oral sex - both the man and the woman equally experience that sense of power that occurs when they are performing oral sex on someone - which means that, in this one instance, your lady truly knows and understands your side of things). Oh, and making such a suggestion usually allows you the chance to offer tips of your own to her technique without her taking it quite so personally.

Make the request. She’ll turn you into an expert before you know it.

Listen, we totally understand if oral sex just isn’t your kind of thing. But if we could respectfully counter, this is almost certainly because you’ve never enjoyed someone truly experienced in the art -- and practice makes perfect.

And don’t be fooled -- being on the giving end of oral sex can be just as much a turn-on as being on the receiving line. Don`t just learn to like it - learn to love it! Generally, the more a woman thinks that you like going down on her, the better it feels for her.