Is My Girlfriend Crazy? -

Dear Melissa,

I struck out with my last girlfriend because she said I "didn't know how to handle her."

She was a very touchy woman who would fly off the handle if I misread her e-mails, or if I said a seemingly innocent joke that offended her. One second she would be smiling and happy, and then she would turn on me the next if I said the wrong thing?

I just would like to know what the best way would be to calm down an angry woman if I have done something in the relationship she disapproves of.

I was completely clueless at the time and still am a bit. I guess what is the best way to communicate with your wife or girlfriend when she is angry?

I just would like to see something about maintaining your woman once you have her.

-----

Melissa answers:

Men often feel totally in the dark about woman’s moods, and the fact that we can seem to fly off the handle for no apparent reason (as you point out). But books such as Louann Brizendene’s new “The Female Brain” explain that for certain things – like picking up the emotions from non-verbal clues – men and women’s brains are just wired differently.

Women excel at picking up non-verbal clues of communication, especially facial expressions and body posturing. Brizendone notes, “Girls' well-developed brain circuits for gathering meaning from faces and tone of voice also push them to comprehend the social approval of others very early.

When your ex-girlfriend grumbled that you didn’t know how to handle her, it could well mean that you simply didn’t notice what was going on in her emotional world – and that includes yourself! Women can often tell when a man is in a bad mood, even if he doesn’t realize it himself.


The Power of Active Listening

But that doesn’t help you out. What you want to know is how to effectively deal with a woman who’s upset. The most important thing for a woman when she’s upset is to feel “heard and understood.” Passively listening, or pretending that you’re listening, just doesn’t cut it. As we’ve seen above, she’s going to quickly notice you’re not listening to her even if you think you’re doing a good job of pretending to.

However, assuming you know where she’s going with her argument, cutting her off in the middle of it, and saying quickly, “okay, I got it, I understand.” doesn’t work either. Basically, my dear man, you have no real option except to actively listen to what the woman’s got to say and then make her feel you’ve both heard and understood her. Please note, I didn’t say you need to agree with every point she makes. I said to make her feel “heard and understood.”

So how do you make a woman feel heard and understood? How do you actively listen?

First, and super important, you don’t plan what you’re going to say in rebuttal to her while she’s speaking, because that means you’re actually listening to the thoughts in your own head instead of her. You also make sure to keep good eye contact with her while she’s speaking, which signals to her that you are in fact listening well.

Very important, if her thoughts and worlds are moving too fast for you and you can’t keep up with her let her know. Don’t attack her; ask nicely for her to slow down or to repeat something you haven’t understood. Once she’s done you say something like, “Okay, here’s what I understood from what you said" (then you repeat what you understood).

Then you ask, “Have I got it right?” Notice, you’re not trying to win the argument, you’re just trying to understand what she’s upset about. That alone is going to take quite a bit of venom out of her feelings.

Be careful not to simply memorize what she said, but to truly “get” what the issue is for her. Once you both understand what she finds so challenging in the relationship you can have an adult conversation about it and resolve things.

John, another great reason to learn to be an “active” listener with women is that all of the great seducers are great listeners – they don’t assume what women want, they take the time to actually sit and hear what it is straight from the woman’s mouth.

Now let’s look at some ways you can keep from misunderstanding each other in the first place.


Create a Vocabulary You Both Understand

You’re probably thinking I’m a bit daft right now, that you both understand English perfectly well, right? Well, yes and no. Yes, both you and a woman you’re dating probably speak English, but the words don’t necessarily mean the exact same thing to you as they do to her.

You’ve probably noted already that “we’ll meet at 7:00” means something different to each of you. You might always be right on time, and she might be finishing getting ready at 7:00, so right there you have a possible “bone of contention” between the two of you.

Basically, there are an infinite number of ways people can misunderstand each other – especially when dating. We all come from different family structures, cultures, personalities, etc. For example, you may feel that after the 3rd date that you’re simply dating, while in the woman’s mind it might mean that you’re “an item.”

If you don’t take the time to discuss it you may find yourself expected to attend a family wedding with her automatically, and she may be livid with you if you blow it off. Is one of you right and the other wrong? Nope, it’s just two different points of views on what a relationship means at that state in the game.

A good rule of thumb is to do your best not to make assumptions about what you feel the other person’s behavior “should” be in a relationship without discussing it openly. Assumptions can kill an otherwise promising relationship. It’s up to the two of you to create a vocabulary together that both of you understand and can use together to build something stronger rather than constantly misunderstanding each other.


Don’t Make Each Other Wrong

I’ve been careful here to point out ways you can empower a relationship and not automatically make each other wrong. When frustrated in a relationship it’s so easy to point a finger and say “she’s wrong, he’s wrong, etc.” Instead do your best to step back and be curious about the other’s point of view. Again, you don’t have to automatically agree with someone, but you don’t have to automatically agree either – just stay open.

And don’t allow yourself to be made automatically wrong either. We women can act a bit superior about emotions because we’re so often more in tune with ours – but that doesn’t mean our emotions are right and yours are wrong. But it’s your job to sit down and figure them out!

target="_blank">