How to Rekindle Romance & Passion

“Love must be learned, and learned again and again; there is no end to it. Hate needs no instruction, but needs only to be provoked.” – Katherine Anne Porter

After reading the following from a reader recently I decided to dedicate this week’s article for men about the above subject.

Hello:

I have this bad problem with my wife. She isn’t romantic at all and she told me she doesn’t even know how to be. I’ve asked if I can get some books for her to read would she be interested? Her answer is no.

I’ve also asked if she’d like for me to find someone to come and stay With us for a week or two to help her learn and she got mad and said I’d be moving out then to live with that person. I’ve asked if she wants To go to a sex therapist to help us or her. She said no.

Can you help me out?


Dear JC:

You’ve got quite a challenge on your hands, but it’s not unworkable. First and foremost, I believe you need to step back and put yourself in your wife’s shoes for a bit so that you can understand why the way you approached her (both about romance and sex) fell flat.

Very few people like it when their partner, the person they love and care about, tells them that they need to be fixed and then volunteers to bring them the material that will help them mend. It comes across as if you are an expert and they are an imbecile. I personally have made this very same mistake, and like you, it blew up in my face. Think about it, would you like it if your wife told you you didn’t know how to be romantic and she wanted to know if she could bring reading material home for you to study in order for you to get it right? That’s basically how it‘s coming across to her. Of course she’s going to say “No!”

Also, I highly doubt you’d be open to your wife’s suggestion of going to a sex therapist (or having one come home with you) if his name was Carlo, he was an ex-model from Italy, and his job was to come in and teach you how to give your wife better cunnilingus and to screw properly. I may be wrong, but most men do not want to be in any part of a threesome that’s two men and a woman.

I don’t doubt that your goal is to heal your romantic and sexual relationship, but as with most things in communication between people, success is all in how it’s presented. I understand that you’re very frustrated with your wife’s admission that she doesn’t even know how to be romantic and her apparent lack of interest in learning how. What I’d ask you consider are a few important points:

1) Somehow there was attraction, romance; sex etc. in the beginning or the two of you probably wouldn’t have gotten together in the first place.

2) The idea of what is romantic and pleasurable sexually is all a matter of personal taste so there is no “right” romance or “right” pleasurable sex.

3) If your relationship came together for reasons other than romantic feelings, or sexual sparks, then the two of you need to discover together what you both are drawn to both romantically and sexually so you can find your common ground.


Remembering Your Beginnings

What drew the two of you together in the first place? What was the attraction? Can you go back and look at photos, remember trips taken together, evenings out that were the most fun you’ve ever had? If you can take the time and energy to go back to the beginning you can remember valuable information you may have forgotten in your busy life. What made the two of you laugh together? What made the two of you feel close? What can you do, here and now, that might spark some of those old feelings? It might be something as silly sounding as going to an amusement park, or going to see a favorite band. Start with something you know she enjoys. Show her you’re willing to be generous in wanting to create good feelings between the two of you again.


Great Romance & Sex Is a Matter of Personal Taste

Your wife says she doesn’t know how to be romantic. I’m not sure I believe her, though it certainly is possible. What I do believe is that she doesn’t feel that the romance she’s seen on television and movies really gels with her personality and tastes. If that’s the case then it’s time to do a little homework and discovery. What does she like? What are her interests and passions? What are her favorite stories and movies and why? Ask without judgment and be open to really hearing the answer.

Your wife may not be a roses and candles type of woman. Her idea of romance might be a hike in the great outdoors, doing a crossword puzzle together or having you make lasagna for her from scratch. Why not take the time to make a list of the things you find romantic first and then ask if you can share it with her? This is not to shame or judge her, your goal is to spark real conversation with your wife and see what she discovers about herself.

As far as the sex goes, you need to be a very big and very brave man and find out if she’s ever enjoyed it. You may not like what you hear, but you need to hear the truth. Women are usually terrified of being honest with men about how un-enjoyable sex can be for women. They don’t want to hurt a man’s ego. We’re told that men have very fragile egos and can’t handle the truth. But if you don’t hear the truth, then things will never get better. You’ve jumped ahead and asked to bring in a third party before you’ve even found out what’s going on with your wife sexually. Take the time to listen to her. What does she like about sex with you and what would she like to change?


Being Willing To Learn From Scratch

Perhaps your wife came from a very strict or religious background, or maybe the both of you did (however you seem to have found a way for your romantic and sexual ideals to take flight anyway). Perhaps it’s time to decide to go on a journey of romantic and sexual discovery together. I hear you. She seems rather reluctant, however, if you’re very loving and kind in the way you go about beginning this journey. If you can let go of the idea that things “have to be your way” and instead are open to really discovering the romantic and sexual ideas you have in common you’ll go much farther.


Taking Responsibility for Your Own Actions

I feel that you want to start off at a gallop and obviously your wife just isn’t ready for that. I don’t know if she’s holding resentment against you for things she’s hurt about or simply doesn’t feel romantic and sexual. Whatever the reasons you need to get at the heart of the matter. Rather than go to a sex therapist why not ask her if she has any suggestions for how the two of you can work through your challenges? I’m not saying that in certain circumstances a sex therapist might not be just the thing, however, I do feel that you should look into other kinds of professional counseling first. Why not check into local couples counseling, or even the advice or help from a local church, temple or synagogue?

Also, I must point out, that it’s no good requesting romance and sex from her if you haven’t honored her requests of you in the past. If she is constantly asking you to be more responsible financially, or to take more responsibility around the house (I’m just throwing common examples out here, not accusing you of anything) and you ignore those requests but think it’s fine to ask her for sex and romance it just doesn’t fly. She wouldn’t be making the requests of you if they weren’t important to her. Honor her. Show her she matters. Show her that you really care. As the saying goes “you get more bees with honey than with vinegar”. Though I’m sure you’ve had very good intentions your actions to this point have been vinegar to your wife.

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