By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Almost all of us who’ve made it past puberty have felt our blood stirred by chemistry with particular members of the opposite sex. It often hits with no warning, when we’re least expecting it. There we are, walking down the street, sitting in class, hanging out with friends at a bar, and we look up and “bam” our eyes lock with someone across the room. Suddenly we don’t know where we are anymore – all we know is that we feel we need to get to know this woman better right now.
It’s become popular of late (especially here on the Internet) for advice columnists to talk about just how you can create this physical sexual chemistry with women. Since it’s one of the most alluring and heady feelings we can experience without taking some sort of substance it’s totally an understandable endeavor. I believe it’s possible too, or I wouldn’t be writing this article.
What I don’t believe, however, is that it’s as simple a subject as what others try to make it sound. Chemistry, my dear men, is a complex issue – far more complex than just being “cocky and funny” with the hot women you meet and then remembering not to call them too soon or too frequently.
In my opinion, there are two major types of sexual chemistry that attracts us to the opposite sex. You need to understand the differences between them in order to be truly successful at romantic and sexual relationships:
1. Chemistry For The Past
2. Chemistry For Who We Are Now
Our Longing To Fix the Past
Psychologists tell us that human beings long to “fix” any major family relationship that gave us great challenges in the past (and still haunt and bug us today), but instead of going to the source – say Mom or Dad – we pick members of the opposite sex who remind us of the parent we most want to work things out with. Women who had distant fathers who rarely complimented them will often date and marry men who treat them exactly the same way. Men who had wound up, dramatic mothers who needed their son to help parent them will go on to date and marry women who are high strung drama queens who always need to be the center of attention. We long to work things out, to be heard, understood, appreciated, accepted, loved etc., but we pick people just like the parent who could do this for us the list – and sometimes it’s a combo of the two.
Are we usually conscious of this behavior? No. It’s usually very subconscious. The people we chose look nothing like our parents, they can be from totally different backgrounds (even a different part of the world), and yet, we pick people who mirror emotional challenges from the past because they feel familiar. The chemistry we feel for these people are often has an unpleasant aspect to it but it’s familiar.
Sexual Chemistry For Right Here Right Now
Real chemistry, on the other hand, is the kind that deals with you as you are right now. The challenge of real chemistry is that many of us don’t develop the possibility for ours to blossom with someone because we’re still living at least partially in the past. Also, real chemistry has five different components to it but most of us are only familiar with the first component:
1. Physical Chemistry (joint physical attraction)
2. Emotional Chemistry (similar ways of making meaning and expressing ourselves)
3. In tellectual Chemistry (similar ways of thinking and intellect)
4. Moral Chemistry (similar views on right and wrong)
5. Material (similar views on the importance/non importance of material things)
The more components of real chemistry we have in common with someone the better chance we have of not only hitting it off with someone, but for our relationship to survive at all. Of course each of these different components is quite complex and has many avenues within it, but I think you’ll pick on my meaning. We’ve all met members of the opposite sex we really really liked, we really clicked on a friendship level because we had emotional, moral and perhaps intellectual chemistry, but without that mutual physical chemistry, romance and sex isn’t going to happen and if it does, it’s not going to create many fireworks.
The challenge is that with most people we’re attracted to we have a mixture of past and current chemistry blended together. Since all chemistry is pretty exciting in the beginning, it takes a concerted effort to weed out whether our attraction is about who we are “here an now” or for what we wish could be different from the past.
So how do we tell the difference? As I said above chemistry from the past feels familiar but is often unpleasant. Chemistry is all about gut feelings. If being with someone is exciting but at the same time often puts you on edge, or brings up feelings of sadness and insecurity from the past, and if you find yourself arguing frequently without coming to mutual understand and resolution there’s a good chance much of your chemistry is from the past. The problems and misunderstandings in the relationship can be worked through – but only if both parties understand that there are problems, and are willing to deal with them honestly and diligently.
Playing the Tortoise Rather Than the Hare
Most of you have probably been through too many of these relationships in the past and want to start out on a clean slate now. Good for you. So how do you create fresh, real chemistry that will leave a dazzled smile on everyone’s face? You can be cocky and funny – if that’s a way you like being, and it feels natural to you. The truth is that while being “cocky and funny” does work on many women, it’ll slam any possible door shut with just as many more. No, in order to be open to real chemistry in all of the different areas I spelled out above you have to know what it is you believe in and feel about each one of the areas. The more you know who you are morally, the more you know what’s important for you to have or not have materially, the more you know what you find intellectually stimulating and interesting, the more you understand how you view the world and make meaning, and the more you know what you find physically attractive – the more you’re going to find yourself looking across a room and locking eyes with a woman you not only think is hot – but who you’ll end up really liking as a person as well.
