She Comes First

Ian Kerner has written a short, sweet book that’s both an ode and guide to giving great cunnilingus. Let me be very frank – this book is a must for every man who isn’t absolutely sure his tongue technique makes women not only weak at the knees, but also experience blissful orgasms. It’s also a must read for any woman who wants to understand better her own ability to receive sexual pleasure.

Kerner comes to the topic (sorry for the pun) as an expert, both with a Ph.D. in clinical sexology, and as a man who first ventured forth into giving oral sex as a way to compensate for what he saw at the time as his sexual inadequacies. His writing is witty, easy to read, and he backs up his theory that cunnilingus should be extended from mere “foreplay” as we’ve usually designated it, to “coreplay” (a fully realized act of lovemaking) by quoting many of today’s best selling and forward thinking sex writers and experts.

In the introduction of the book Kerner gives the reader a pop quiz that’s sure to make all but the most die hard expert on female sexuality feel they really need to read this book (and they do). Let me give you just three question examples from the quiz to show you what I’m talking about:

“Did you know that the clitoris has eighteen parts, all of which play a role in the production of pleasure? Can you identify them?”

“Did you know that the vast majority of nerve endings that contribute to the female orgasm are concentrated on the surface of the vulva and do not require any penetration whatsoever in order to be stimulated to orgasm?”

“Can you say with complete confidence that you know how to locate the G-spot? Can you name any other hidden zones of pleasure?”

The truth is that the female sexual response is still quite mysterious to men. I’ve said it here before and I’ll say it again, women have very complex sexual engines. Unfortunately, Kerner found both in his research and interviews that women were, in general, the more knowledgeable about sex of the two genders and were more willing to discuss sex in an honest and open manner. Men, in general, he found a different story:

“Men, on the other hand, were not as knowledgeable about sexuality, and tended to describe activities such cunnilingus in more graphic, objectifying detail. Men also acknowledged that they relied more heavily on pornography and firsthand experience when seeking information regarding female sexuality and felt substantially less comfortable seeking ‘touchy-feely’ advice from parents and friends.”

Kerner goes on to point out that while the media bombards us with sex, 24/7, there is little progressive, helpful discussion to be found in the mainstream on human sexuality, and even less targeted specifically for men. For all of you guys who’ve felt guilty stealing glances at the articles on sex in your girlfriend’s magazines, or being fascinated by Sex and the City you shouldn’t feel bad. Kerner states “Ironically, some of the guys I spoke with said that the television show Sex and the City – with its candid discussions of oral sex, orgasms, and other issues – was a principal source of information about women’s sexual attitudes and desires. Still others confided that reading magazines like Cosmo and Jane in private was illuminating, and that there was a quality of information that couldn’t be found in men’s magazines.”

Kerner goes on to point out that, “Unfortunately, both men and women end up suffering from this dearth of accurate information – with men flicking their tongues like porno stars, employing sexual positions that have little to do with clitoral stimulation, and generally being clueless about the female anatomy and the process of sexual response.”

Remember dear men; porn is for your entertainment, not necessarily for your edification. She Comes First, however, will go far to add to your sexual enlightenment. The book has a nuts and bolts approach men should appreciate, and is divided into three sections. In “Part I: The Elements of Sexual Style” you learn one of Kerner’s biggest commandments – that women should orgasm first (thank you). Lest you think Kerner’s a bit well, whipped he goes on to explain why the “tongue is mightier than the sword”. In a humorous reversal he quotes sex columnist Anka Radakovich author of the essay “Lip Service: On Being a Cunning Linguist” as saying she once had a boyfriend so gifted in the oral department she states, “I became tongue-whipped and even offered to do his laundry if he would come over and satisfy me. After two months I put a framed photo of his tongue on my desk.”

In “Part II: Rules of Usage” Kerner introduces his concept of “coreplay” and spells out the recommended procession of events as follows: the first kiss; establishing rhythm; building tension; escalating the action; preorgasm and orgasm. He then goes on to advise on each and everyone of these steps in detail in this section’s chapters, including positions to use and those to avoid, and then spells out in chapter twenty-five the “Top Ten Hot Spots in the Clitoral Network”. This is a must read for all men who want to better understand just how important, intricate, and involved the clitoris actually is.

Finally in “Part III: Putting It All Together” Kerner talks about “The Substance of Style” in chapter forty-six and gives you “routines” to follow in chapter forty-seven and even goes so far as to give you more “routines” in chapter forty-eight from the “beginner” level to the “advanced”.

All in the entire book is very well organized and easy to read. Kerner reviews many of the topics to make sure his readers are following him and can make use of the information – which is precisely his goal. This book is a “users” manual. Kerner truly wants to not only demystify cunnilingus for men, but also help make them masters at this very important craft.