“Seize the moment of excited curiosity on any subject to solve your doubts; for if you let it pass the desire may never return, and you may remain in ignorance.” – William Wirt
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but without it we humans would lead very boring lives indeed – especially our sex lives. The minute you think you know it all, whether about sex in general, the opposite sex, or a specific lover, the game is over and you’ve lost it big time.
The minute, on the other hand, you accept we humans (yes, even we men) are complex sexual beings constantly changing, growing, and becoming something new, you’re way ahead of the competition.
Besides, is sex really something you want to be an ignoramus about anyway?
No, I didn’t think so. And curiosity costs you nothing except mental energy.
But it’s a big subject, so let’s break it down into some basic categories to be curious over:
Geography
Let’s start at the very beginning. Do you know the basics of your own sexual anatomy let alone that of the opposite sex?
Okay, I don’t mean to pick on the girls first, but ladies how in the world do you expect a man to know how to hit all the right spots to rock your world when you refuse to take your own equipment out for a test drive? There’s no way around it. If you want to know what type of touch it’s going to take between your legs to bring you to an orgasm you have to spend some time masturbating.
Men, that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook about what women have going on. I’m both shocked and appalled every time I read that a large number of men out there just don’t know where the female clitoris is. Yes I know it’s small compared to your favorite tool (okay, tiny) but it’s not invisible, and even if you’re not sure if you’ve hit the spot it’s amazing sensitivity and some basic curiosity (i.e. “how does this feel,” and “is that it?”) on your part will quickly clarify things.
And guys, let’s stop having one set of rules for us and another for women. You know most of the sensitivity in your penis is in the first third of it, so why are we having such a tough time understanding that the female vagina is usually exactly the same way? When you’re figuring out the best positions for intercourse make sure to take her needs into consideration as well as yours.
Personal Preference
Taste is personal, and the personal is unique. Nothing more and nothing less. Assuming you have someone else’s personal taste down pat is never a good idea, not in food, movies, fashion, books and especially not in sex. Taste can also change as we learn and grow. So even though you had your lover’s tastes and preferences down last year this year may be a whole different story – but the same can be said for you.
The only way to get clued in on where another person is in their sexual taste is to ask, and the only way to make sure your lover knows about your own is to be open about it and share.
The challenge is that most of us are a bit sexually squeamish. We love the idea of sex, but we want it to come to us easily, so we don’t have to risk the embarrassment of not only sharing our needs (and possibly being laughed at or shamed) but also being open to the needs of our lover (which might be far different than we’d always assumed).
The most important thing to remember about sexual needs and tastes is that they aren’t a personal attack. You haven’t come to your personal sexual needs as a way to embarrass your lover, and neither has he or she come to their sexual needs as a way to embarrass you. Still it’s a touchy subject and not everyone is going to find another’s sexual needs and desires, well, desirable.
That doesn’t mean, however, that you should push yours down and ignore them hoping against hope that your lover will someday out of the blue let you know that they want the very same thing you’ve been wishing for all these years.
Nope. It doesn’t work that way. There’s no guarantee that someone we locked eyes with across a crowded party and think is hot is also going to share our same sexual taste – that’s why we have to be curious enough to ask.
And that’s why curiosity should come before the sex begins. If you start in with physical contact first and ask questions later any possible unpleasant surprises you might discover in each other are going to carry all the more painful weight – from finding out the person is carrying an STD to finding out they’re totally into BDSM when you’ve only ever even contemplated being spanked.
Yes, instant physical chemistry is one of the greatest gifts under the sun, but all that great physical chemistry promises is that you like being near each other, that the idea of getting naked in looked forward to rather than repulsive. Great physical chemistry doesn’t promise that you’ll have the same taste, like the same style of kissing, bedroom moves or positions…in order to find out all that you’ve got to be curious.
Men, the usual aggressors when it comes to moving forward sexual activity, need to be the most curious. Society still allows us far greater sexual freedom and curiosity than women (though thankfully it’s changing) but too often we use this freedom to rush into sex with women without knowing anything at all about that particular woman’s preferences. We so want to come across as the knowledgeable stud that (just like when driving a car) we refuse to stop and ask directions for fear of seeming “less like a man.”
That mentality, however, can leave a woman thinking you’re not a stud, but a selfish brute – all because you couldn’t slow down enough to be curious.
