So many readers have written about their girlfriend/lover’s being non-orgasmic that I’ve decided to dedicate the next two weeks articles to the topic. While nature has given females the wonderful ability of multiple orgasms (with hardly a refractory period in between), it has also made the female orgasm often a very illusive beast. The challenge to help coax it out of a woman isn’t for the faint of heart.
Female Orgasm And Better Sex (Way Better Sex)
As always, the most important key to creating a better sex life is honest communication between you and your lover. If you can have real, frank conversations about this topic then you’re well on your way to being able to solve the problem. The first thing you need to find out is what are the road blocks standing in the way. Here are some questions you need to ask her:
1) Can she bring herself to an orgasm on her own via masturbation?
2) Does she have beliefs about sex that make her feel shameful or dirty participating in it with you?
3) Is she taking any anti-depressants? Unfortunately they can have an incredibly dampening effect on both a person’s libido and the ability to orgasm. So can a variety of medical problems.
4) Is their any history of sexual abuse in her background that might make her shut down to sex just when you start getting intimate?
5) Does she understand that women need and enjoy orgasms as much as men, and that if she continues to not have them during your lovemaking she may end up feeling very resentful and even begin creating reasons to not have sex?
Female Orgasm And Masturbation
1) The Importance of Female Masturbation
If a woman can bring herself to orgasm via masturbation she’s already won half the battle. Understand that men don’t “give” orgasms to women; they can only help them achieve them. In order to orgasm a woman has to both be in the right frame of mind and receive the right stimulation. If she can masturbate to an orgasm by herself she’s figured out both of these actions, and now she just needs to open up and share it all with you.
That, however, can be easier said than done. Many women still feel masturbating, especially for women, is still taboo. If this is an issue for your lover you need to let her know that you can’t figure out how to push all the right “bells & whistles” if she can’t tell you where they are. You are a man, a great man, but you’re not a mind reader. Each woman is unique, the sort of touch, stroke, caress, etc. that drives one woman wild can drive another one crazy – with annoyance!
Ideally she should practice masturbating on her own and then share with you what she’s learned – this isn’t because I want you to be left out, it’s because learning how to orgasm for some women can take a very long time! You, however, can play a key role in helping her get into that right “sexy” frame of mind. Remember, the brain is the biggest sex organ. You can help get your lover ready to let her “fingers do the walking” with a steamy phone conversation just before she begins, or even during. The sexy sound of your voice may be just the thing to get things moving in the right direction. Make sure to lay the compliments on thick! Tell her how beautiful you find her, and how amazingly sexy the idea of what she’s doing is for you. Also let her know how thrilling it would be for you to be able to watch her in person, how much you would love every sight, sound, taste and smell. In this way she’ll start getting use to the idea of “showing” you how it all works for her.
Please note orgasms are like muscles, if you haven’t learned how to use them they take awhile to get condition. Do your best to be patient and supportive of her progress. The rewards will be worth it!
2) Overcoming Shame About Sex
We still live in a world of double standards in regards to men, women and sex. If your lover has been raised to believe sex is a sin then you really have some serious conversations ahead of you. Some women feel that it’s okay to have sex so long as they’re “passive” about it, as long as they just let it be “done” to them.
For some men this is just fine, but as I pointed out, when a woman isn’t truly enjoying sex (and that usually includes orgasms for her as well) she’ll find all kinds of reasons not to participate in it. Ideally you want an active female participant who isn’t going to leave you with all the responsibility for everyone’s pleasure. Passive might seem just fine in the beginning, but sooner or later you’re going to get bored.
If she won’t honestly look at her beliefs and how they’re harming your sex life together, you may want to reconsider the relationship. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but some people just aren’t going to change religious beliefs they’ve had their whole lives.
3) If She’s Taking Anti-Depressants
Anti-Depressants can be a big challenge. They are very serious medicine and often have nasty side effects. If your lover is on an anti-depressant and that seems to be the reason she can’t orgasm (like say, she was able to in the past but can’t now) than she has a few choices – but all involve her doctor.
She needs to be frank with the doctor about what’s happening and ask if a) she can go on a lower dosage or b) perhaps try a type that doesn’t have such serious sexual side effects. Again you’ll both need to be patient because most of these drugs cannot be stopped cold turkey without serious and sometimes harmful side effects. Dealing with anti-depressants should always be in cooperation with a medical doctor.
4) Is There Abuse In Her Past?
Sad but true many of us have been sexually abused as children. If this is the case with your lover she needs to seriously consider getting the appropriate counseling. Of course you can talk with her about it, but you’re not qualified to work through her trauma with her. Understand that this is beyond your powers to heal. She needs to see a professional, but certainly your love and support will be needed as well.
5) Her Belief About the Female Orgasm
There is still the idea out there that female orgasms aren’t, and shouldn’t be, as important to women as to men. That idea has led us to miscommunication for years and years and huge numbers of women claiming to have a headache rather than face sex with a man. No, a woman doesn’t always have to orgasm from sex, but then neither does a man. There are times when you can have a tremendously erotic experience from just pleasing your partner, or perhaps, just from foreplay where neither party “gets off”.
The important point here is that you both recognize that her orgasms are as important as yours. True, hers might take longer to bring about, but that doesn’t mean she should get the short end of the stick as far as receiving them.
Want things to get really HOT? Keep reading! The female orgasm is also reached through her G-spot...
