Let`s Talk About Sex: Ladies Don`t Be An Object

For thousands of years women have been seen as objects of desire, from the first ancient clay figurines of goddesses with huge breasts and hips celebrating fertility, to the latest young women gracing the pages of Sports Illustrated in their tiny bikinis.

So what’s the rub? Object of aren’t living, breathing, feeling creatures – they’re objects. They can spark and inspire desire, but they don’t feel it themselves. And guess what? Far too many of us women are actually living this role in our sex lives, whether we totally comprehend it or not.

How do I know? Because I myself have lived it. I know because time and time again I read, watch (on dating reality shows now less!), and hear of women faking orgasms during intercourse so they won’t hurt a man’s feelings. I know because depending on which statistic you read 60-85% of women NEVER orgasm from intercourse. Never.

No wonder so many of us have headaches! No wonder so many of us would rather go shopping than have sex.

But there’s another rub. We can’t blame men for our lack of fulfilling sex lives if we’re not open and honest with them about what we need in order to feel fully sexually aroused and satisfied.

Too many of us still believe our role is to be desired and so we leave the responsibility to the man to figure out what we need for the fireworks to happen. And then we get angry when they don’t get it right. It’s not fair. We’ve got to stop making men responsible for our sexual happiness, and we’ve got to stop being objects and begin instead to steer our own sex lives in the right direction.

And frankly, it’s got to start even before the foreplay. The best time to talk about what you need during sex isn’t just as you’re getting naked. The best time to talk about it is in a neutral location, when you’re both in a good mood, and as far ahead of time as possible. Why? Because everyone needs time to process new information (even if it’s a brand new lover).

You also don’t want to approach this as if you’re blaming him for the fact that things haven’t gone the way you need thus far. Blaming is going to bring up resentment, and resentment is going to shut off his ability to hear you – and you want both his ears and his mind wide open and alert.

Trust me, most men really do want their lovers to be totally satisfied in bed. Yes, some of them are lazy and pretend things are going great even when they know they aren’t, but usually it’s because they just don’t have a clue what the right thing is to do.

We women have very complicated sexual plumbing. It’s takes us far longer than men to become fully aroused. That’s why we need to use foreplay time to show him what we need. The more aroused and excited you play at during foreplay, the faster and hotter his engine’s going to run, and the more quickly he’s going to move things along to intercourse – so the more play acting you do, the less foreplay time you’ll get. It becomes a catch twenty-two.

Hey listen, I know the idea of telling a guy (and showing him, remember they’re visual creatures) exactly what you need for sexual gratification is rather terrifying. It’s even more so if you aren’t quite sure. So here’s something to remember that should make it much easier:

For most men the idea of making their lover excited and taking her over the edge is what it’s all about. They love the idea of being able to turn a woman on. It gives them a great power rush. The idea of being able to make you crazy with desire makes them crazy with desire.

Think I’m joking? Recently a male friend of mine chatted about this subject over a few beers and he admitted that it was a total turn off for him if he realized a woman was just going through the motions. In fact he said, “If she’s play acting I don’t want any part of it.” Then he added, “I don’t want sex to be a task a woman feels obliged to carry out to please me.

This is a very smart, tuned in guy, so I believe he’d be able to see through most women’s charades. But unfortunately many men can be duped by us. We all saw how easy it is in the classic scene of Meg Ryan faking an orgasm in When Harry Met Sally. Many of us might not go so far as to actually fake an orgasm, but we’ve still got to understand that any time we pretend to be even be a little more hot and bothered than we really are it can lead to misunderstandings.

Put yourself in their shoes for a moment. Would you want to be duped? I didn’t think so.

So what do to about it? Here’s a few ideas I think you’ll find very helpful:

· Get to know yourself intimately. If you can’t bring yourself to an orgasm via masturbation how can you show him the kind of touch you need?

· The more regions of the pelvic floor area that are stimulated and aroused during intercourse, oral sex, or masturbation the easier it’ll be to achieve an orgasm and the more intense the orgasm will be. No, you may not be able to reach an orgasm from intercourse alone (and remember you’re not alone in that) but what if you added different types of other stimulation as well?

· Brush up on sex and learn new ways to be aroused both mentally and physically. Writer Graham Masterson has a wonderful series of books that can open your eyes to all sorts of things – I’ll just warn you in advance they’re very explicit.

· Be straight and up front with a new lover about what you need, or what you’d like to try, before you ever get to the bedroom. No, this doesn’t have to be on the first date, or even the second, but do talk to him about sex before you start getting naked. He’ll be far more prepared and feel like he’s got the right tools ready – a feeling all men like to have.

Handling things with a long-term lover, boyfriend or spouse is more challenging, but it still needs to be done. Again remember not to go into the blame game. Instead let him know you read about something new you’d like to try the next time you make love. Involve his mind in the project. Men love to fix things, and again if he feels like you’re giving him the right tools he’ll be thrilled.