Weird Sex: Strange Facts, Sex Laws, & Urban Myths

And the crazy thing is that you know much of this would never have made it on the books unless someone had tried it somewhere.

They`re surprising. They`re shocking. And, quite often, they`re downright stupid. But they’re a great indicator of how people everywhere have struggled to come to grips with this dark, exciting, terrible thing called sex. The laws are presented here in no particular order; just a random survey of this interesting part of ourselves. Modern weird sex laws are presented next to the most ancient ones, with a particular eye toward those now on the books in America’s 50 states. Here’s the first of a few installments...


Women can go topless in Arizona; "female breasts," according to the Arizona State Supreme Court, don`t constitute "private parts" under state law. Does that mean it`s legal for fat chicks to go topless? I guess you gotta take the good with the bad.


Weird Sex In Europe

In Tibet, many years ago, the law required all women to prostitute themselves. This was seen as a way to gain sexual experience prior to marriage.

It’s a crime in London to have sex on a parked motorcycle.


Weird Sex Back In The U.S.

In Florida, having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal... and it HURTS. Trust me.

Here’s some hot stuff: In Bakersfield California, anyone having intercourse with Satan must use a condom. Read that one again: The Devil`s GAY!

In Oblong Illinois, it`s punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.


Weird Sex Wherever

In France, art covers a multitude of sins. A French hooker in the 18th Century could avoid punishment if she agreed to join an opera company. No word on if she had to be as funny as Jerry Lewis . . .

The Asiatic Huns punished convicted male rapists and adulterers with castration. Female adulterers were merely cut in two.

There’s actually a law on the books in NewCastle, Wyoming that specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer. Now that’s cold . . .

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

The T`ang Dynasty Empress Wu Hu passed a special law concerning oral sex. She felt that a woman pleasuring a man represented the supremacy of the male over the female. Therefore, she insisted all visiting male dignitaries show their respect by pleasuring her orally when meeting. The empress would throw open her robe and her guest would kneel before her and kiss her genitals.

There is, in fact, an Illinois law that prohibits a number of things—one of which is a public erection, another is nude dancing. The prohibition against the public erection has never been challenged in the Supreme Court, but the prohibition against nude dancing has.

It’s illegal in Minnesota for a man to have sex with a live fish (is it OK for a woman?). Also, in the town of Alexandria MN, a man cannot make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, sardines, or onions on his breath. If his wife so requests, the law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts. Take that, slave . . .

Around the time of the Roman Empire, a Germanic tribe called the Teutons would punish anyone caught as a prostitute by suffocating them in excrement.

The vow of a Roman vestal virgin lasted 30 years. If she engaged in sex before then, she was punished by being buried alive.

Here’s an interesting one: in Willowdale Oregon, it’s illegal for a man to curse during sex. Damn -- oops . . .

If you’re a man in Ames Iowa, remember that you’re not allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while having sex with your lady.

The city of Bozeman, Montana has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- but only if they`re nude.

In 17th century Spain, it was illegal for anyone other than a woman`s husband to see her bare feet. A woman could freely expose her breasts, but feet were considered sexual and had to be covered in the presence of men other than her husband.


Crushing Gonads Between Two Stones - Now That`s Weird Sex

Here’s a case of being between a rock and a hard place: The Romans would crush a first-time rapist`s gonads between two stones.

In China, women are prohibited from walking around a hotel room in the nude. A woman may be naked only while in the bathroom.

The early Christian church forbade couples from having sex on Wednesdays, Fridays and of course, Sundays.

In Pompeii, a special law was directed at prostitutes. They had to dye their hair either blue, red or yellow in order to be able to work.

In Indiana, mustaches are illegal if the bearer has a "tendency to habitually kiss other humans."

Six thousand years ago, Egyptians, the first to punish sex crimes with castration, would completely castrate a male convicted of rape. A women found guilty of adultery would find herself without a nose, the idea being that without a nose, it would be harder for her to find someone with which she could share her adulterous ways.

In Cattle Creek Colorado, it’s illegal for any couple, even a man and wife, to have sex while bathing “in any lake, river or stream.”

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

In Krakow, Poland it`s not only a crime to have sex with animals, but three-time offenders are shot in the head.

Up until 1884, a woman could be sent to prison for denying a husband sex. Ah, the good ol’ days . . .

The condom

Liquor and sex always seem to go together, even in the writing of laws. In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception—rubbers may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."


On Weird Sex Planet Condoms Can Only Be Purchased From Doctors

Vending-machine condom sales, on the other hand, are banned in such states as Hawaii, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. And in Texas, no one other than a "registered pharmacist" may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives "on the streets or other public places," not even physicians. This means that anyone -- even a doctor -- who tries to make a few extra bucks doing this will be severely prosecuted for the dire act of "unlawfully practicing medicine."

No one may purchase a package of condoms at a corner drugstore anywhere in Nebraska. Only physicians can sell them while practicing medicine. In Arkansas, condoms can be sold only by physicians and other medical practitioners. Delaware allows the sale of condoms only by doctors and wholesale druggists.

Kentucky and Idaho limit condom sales to medical practitioners and licensed pharmacists, but their license to sell the items may not be hung on a wall where it can be seen by customers. Maine, on the other hand, licenses condom sellers, and the license must always be on public display.

Of course Nevada, with 35 legal bordellos, has no condom problem; the law there requires that condoms be made readily available at each brothel. The use of condoms in Nevada brothels is compulsory.

While not as extreme as the ancient Israelite punishment for adultery (stoning), Greek men still had their fair share of discomfort if they were caught: their pubic hair was removed and a large radish was shoved up their rectum.

In Alabama, it`s against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing either simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

It’s illegal anywhere in the U.S. to use any live endangered species, excepting insects, in public or private sexual displays, shows or exhibits depicting cross-species sex.

In hotels in Sioux Falls South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. The beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. It’s also illegal to make love on the floor between the beds! That`s just too much weird sex.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey should avoid satisfying their lusts while in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad New Mexico, it`s legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.


Weird Sex With the Dead

It`s illegal to have sex with a corpse anywhere in the United States.

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Why? Under the law there, it is forbidden for virgins to marry. Please send all further correspondence to Guam; I think I’ve found my calling . . .

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband`s lover may be killed in any manner desired.

In the town of Merryville Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."

It`s rather safe to make love while parked in Coeur d`Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren`t allowed to walk up and knock on the window. An officer must drive up to the car from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

In Mississippi, S & M is against the law. Really. "The depiction or description of flagellation or torture by or upon a person who is nude or in undergarments or in a bizarre or revealing costume for the purpose of sexual gratification (is outlawed)."

A law in Helena, Montana mandates that a woman can`t dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing. That’s some heavy shit . . .

Women aren`t allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio: a defenseless man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn`t!"

During the Middle Ages, if you were guilty of bestiality you`d be burned at the stake, along with the other party to your crime.

No woman may have weird sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn`t charged nor is his name revealed.

As recently as 1990, several states still had laws against heterosexual fellatio or cunnilingus (oral sex), anal sex and the use of dildos: Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and Washington D.C. And don’t think this just a legal exercise, either. Many of you may remember that not long ago a man was sentenced in Georgia to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex. With his wife. With her consent. In their home. His predicament has reportedly been quite a source of amusement to other inmates.

In the ‘Motor City’ of Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple`s own property.

In Oxford Ohio, it`s illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man`s picture.

An Oklahoma state representative once proposed a bill requiring that a man explain the dangers of pregnancy and obtain a woman`s written consent before the two could legally engage in sexual intercourse. It didn’t pass.

According to a law on the books in Norfolk Virginia, a woman can`t go out without wearing a corset. (There was once a civil-service job—for men only— called a `corset inspector`.)

A Florida sex law: If you`re a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can`t parachute on Sunday afternoons.

An interesting excerpt from Kentucky state legislation: "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."


The Politics Of Weird Sex

It seems the only acceptable sexual position in Washington, D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal. A lot of policymakers are sweating right now . . .

In Michigan a woman isn`t allowed to cut her own hair without her husband`s permission.

It is actually illegal for any member of the Nevada legislature to conduct official business wearing a penis costume while the legislature is in session. Dickheads . . .

In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit. Down, boy!

Under Lebanese law, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female (no word on if the animals must have a permit). Having sexual relations with a male animal is however expressly forbidden. You must draw the line somewhere . . .

Other facts about our Muslim friends: Egypt has a law on its books prohibiting a woman from bellydancing unless her navel is covered up with gauze. And a law in the town of Doha, Qatar states that if a naked woman is surprised by a man while either changing or bathing, she must first cover up her face, rather than her body.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city`s airport property. Having such laws on Texas books may explain a lot about our current president . . .

Women can sell items and be topless in Liverpool, England at the same time— but only in tropical fish stores.

In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and/or anal sex; it is considered sodomy. The same law does not apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other.

In Romboch Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity with the lights on.

In the state of Utah, sex with an animal—unless performed for profit—is not considered sodomy and therefore is legal. What will those wild Mormons think of next?

In the quiet town of Connorsville Wisconsin, it`s illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm. Ye-hahh!

It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex "on the steps of any church after the sun goes down" in Birmingham, England. I guess it’s all right in broad daylight . . .


Weird Sex In Brazil With A Woman On Her Period?

Passionate kissing is banned in Sorocaba, Brazil.

A law in Montevideo, Uruguay bans a man from having sex with any woman during her period.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night). Just try to enforce that one . . .

Both Indiana and Ohio have laws that prohibit male skating instructors from having sexual relations with their female students. This misdeed, called "the seduction of female students," is prosecuted as a felony. This statute apparently applies only to male teachers. It seems female skating instructors may have sex with male students.

Authorities in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania passed a special piece of legislation governing sexual activities in the toll-collection booths on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. The law, which pertains only to female toll collectors, prohibits them from engaging in sex with a truck driver in the confines of a booth. Any woman violating this law will be fired for "behavior unbecoming an employee." (If for any reason the transgressor is later reinstated, she won`t be allowed back pay.)

The town of Clinton, Oklahoma apparently cares a lot for their cars. The city fathers have banned local men from masturbating while observing a couple making love in the back seat of a parked car in a drive-in theater. Such a peeper can be fined and jailed for "molesting a vehicle."