If this airplane's a knockin...

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This probably isn't the first you've heard of the mile high club, but just in case here's a crash course (no pun intended) on what it's all about. The main requirement is having sex more than one mile in the air, although in my book this is merely a technicality. This differs from other clubs because there is no actual club. I mean they don't have a clubhouse or hold meetings where people talk about which airline has the roomiest bathrooms or anything like that. It's just one of those things where if you say you're in the club, then by golly you're in.

There are several stories as to how this mythical club got its start, but the best one I've heard is one of a rich playboy named Lawrence Sperry, who in 1916 was giving flying lessons to a married New York socialite when they decided get a little frisky in the cock pit. The plane ended up crashing into the bay, and the two were found alive- and naked- on the ground. I found a great article on this called "Aerial Petting Leads to Wetting"-pretty sweet headline huh? (http://www.milehighclub.com/about/founder.html)

While I'll be the first to admit this is the best club I've ever been in (except for Oprah's book club of course) it most certainly isn't for the faint of heart. Along with the excitement of doing something so taboo, and the intense orgasms (thanks to vibrations of the plane) comes the risk of being caught. So, being a fan and card carrying member of the mile high club myself, I decided to put together a how to guide for those of you looking to maximize your in-flight entertainment while minimizing your risk of getting caught!

At your seat action:

The Handjob: This is my personal favorite, mainly because it's easy to do on a redeye flight, since most passengers are asleep and you don't have to worry about the beverage cart coming by every two minutes. The key here is to make sure you have blankets to hide the naughty action happening beneath. I know this sounds obvious, but I once had the misfortune of glancing to my left on a flight to Texas and catching a glimpse of a little hands in the pants action that I really did not want to see!

Now let's address technique. Once you're fully blanketed and ready to go, I suggest doing each other one at a time. That way the recipient can also play the part of lookout while the other person goes to work. I also like to put the tray table down to cover up any visible hand motions. And try to go slow, cuz we all know the "thwapping" noise is a telltale sign that somethin' freaky is going on!

The blow job: This is clearly for those who are a little bolder, but for goodness sake don't try it with an innocent bystander sitting in the same row. Unless they're into it-in which case, enjoy! The trick to an undercover blowjob is to make sure no head bobbing is visible. I usually accomplish this by covering my boyfriends lap with a blanket and kneeling as far down as possible to avoid "head protrusion". For a little extra security you could put the tray table down, but be careful when getting back up. I smacked myself in the head once, and my loud use of the f- word kinda defeated the purpose of being "inconspicuous" if you know what I mean.

In the lavatory

DoggyStyle: In my experience, this is the easiest position to maintain. Generally the female should stand facing the mirror with her right knee up on the sink. This provides the man with a little more space for maneuverability. If you're short like me, it helps to wear heels so you can bend all the way over. This is also maybe time for a good hairpull, yes? Yes? Oh my yessssssssss!

On the commode (that's fancy talk fer toilet): The male should sit down with the female on his lap facing him or reverse cowgirl style. If you need a little more room, this one will be a tough maneuver to pull off because there's not much space for your legs to go on either side. If you are a bootylicious female such as myself and require a little more room try this: sit down on the toilet and slump down just a tad. Then put one foot on the sink for leverage. The guy can then come closer, leaning over you with his hands on either the back of the toilet or the wall behind you. I looooove this angle because if you do it right there is some serious clit stimulation to help you cum that much quicker.

And try to bust one out as fast as you can. It's way too easy to get caught up in the moment, then before you know it there's a line of grandma's on their way to Miami standing outside the door cursing you because they need to change their Depends. This may or may not have actually happened to, ahem, a guy I know.

If you think this all sounds too risky, some companies offer small, private planes strictly for those looking to "earn their wings" without the threat of being caught and escorted off the plane in their skivvies. You can find such services in most of the major cities such as Atlanta (http://www.milehighatlanta.com/) and Chicago (http://boomboomplane.com/). I just Googled "Mile High Club" and found a bunch of listings. Most offer some sort of package that includes champagne, roses and a fancy "boudoir" setting. Mile High Atlanta even lets you keep the sheets as a souvenir! Some commercial airlines such as Virgin are even getting in on the action by featuring couples suites and fold down seats with partitions on their aircrafts.

Just remember that if you try any of these tips and get caught, it's not my fault. If you try them and have the time of your life however, then I, Angel Rios, take full credit.