Being Approachable is Key

Charm is a fascinating thing. It makes attractive women stunning, while the lack of it can make a beautiful woman truly ugly.

The truth is if women better understood how shy and how insecure most of us men are, you’d all be far more charming to us. Oh sure, both jerks and players (some of whom are also jerks) know all the right words and sidle up to you with ease (whether in the grocery store line or at the latest club) but most of us men need a drink or two in us before we can even gather the guts just to say “hello” to you.

So, yeah, you need to help us out. You need to encourage us. But just how do you do that without our thinking that we get to take you home with us pronto? Well, honestly, some of us have sat on our courage for so long that once we finally pull it out and talk to you we are going to try to get you to go home with us pronto (or have you take us home). Be kind to those poor souls anyway, say a firm “no thank you”, and laugh at our boldness. If there’s any real chemistry, any real interest between the two of you, he’ll still call after he sobers up and gets over making a fool of himself.

Most of us, however, have enough self-respect to hold it together and not beg to follow you home like a lost puppy. So what do we need to feel emboldened to engage you in conversation and ask for you number? Here are a few things that would help us:

1) Do your best to leave your worries at home or in the car when you’re out in public. Remember we’re everywhere you are, not just at bars and nightclubs. Great single guys are standing next to you at the bookstore, or across the grocery store aisle, and we will come up and talk to you – but not if it looks like the weight of the world is sitting on your shoulders, or it seems you’ll bite our heads off for disturbing you.

2) Go beyond leaving worries at home. Be bold. Smile just for the heck of it! A woman with a fantastic smile can have men groveling at her feet – if she knows how to use it properly. Use it for more than getting out of speeding tickets. Dazzle us with it when we least expect it. After we stop seeing stars from running into the streetlamp, we’ll come running after you to see if you’d like to have coffee. A good friend of mine is frequently asked out when on her weekend shopping trips because she’s just so darn pleasant. She doesn’t always say “yes” to these strange men, but that’s not the point, the point is that her behavior makes men feel like they can give it a try.

3) Catch the eye of a guy you really like at a club or bar but he’s not making any move? Show him you’re approachable by talking to the people sitting next to you, or the bar tender. A friend of mine did this just last week and not ten minutes later the guy she’d been eyeing came up and started to talk to her.

4) When looking to meet men avoid going out in packs of women, instead go with a good friend or two whose company you really enjoy. A large group of women is intimidating for all but the slickest of us. The more the two or three of you laugh and appear to be having fun the more approachable you’ll seem.

5) Be charming to men who approach you in clubs or bars, even if they’re not you’re type and you’re not interested. Smile when you say “no thank you” to a dance or a drink. Don’t be rude unless a guy just won’t get the message and leave you alone. Remember, chances are you’re being watched by the very guy you are interested in. If you come across as tough and cold even though he’s just observing from afar, he might lose the courage to come over and chat you up.

6) Totally disarm us. Ask us a pertinent question. Remember that men love to be helpful, ask us for directions, recommendations on good restaurants, wine suggestions, or even if we come here often, and watch our stony exteriors melt as we try and help you solve your problem (even if you made it up, and we know this), or heck, even to take you for a spin on the dance floor.

7) Too shy to talk to strange men when you see them out in person? Approach us online. Too many women put up a dating profile on an Internet dating site and then just sit back and wait for the men to approach them. Take charge and go browsing through the men to find the ones you like. No, I’m not suggesting you come on to them, or even ask them out on a date, but why not send a nice short sweet note telling a man what you liked about his profile? Common interests are always a great way to start a conversation, or even giving a small but sincere compliment can work like a charm.

The sooner you accept that many of the men you’re interested probably aren’t disinterested in you, they’re just to shy to make a move, the happier and less self conscious you’ll be. And the sooner you’ll make the needed changes to be more approachable, or at times, even approach us. I think it does women good to put yourselves in our shoes and see how tough it can be from our view. No, I’m not asking for pity, just a little respect, and of course a smile or two.