By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” - Buddha
The other night I went to a Pre-Dating event and met a woman I instantly felt uncomfortable around.
At first I wasn’t sure what my problem was, but then I would overhear her at the bar and each story she regaled those nearby with seemed to either be about how stupid a particular man was she’d had the misfortune to encounter, or how stupid a female friend of hers was for hooking up with a particular man in the first place.
“Aha,” I thought, “It’s the good old repellent of anger.” In fact, on closer inspection I realized that anger crackled around her almost like an invisible force field. The sad thing is that this woman was attractive and nicely dressed, and in her mind she probably felt ready to meet someone new, but most men are going run from her as fast as they can.
Nothing repels men like anger. Even beauty, accomplishment, talent and a hot body can’t protect you (though if you’re hot enough, or they’ve had enough to drink, they may try to sleep with you first before they run away). Now does this mean she hasn’t met a lot of jerks in her dating and romance history?
No, I’m sure she has – haven’t we all? But if you’re going to succeed in the dating realm with the kind of guys you really want to spend time with, you have to leave your anger at home. And it’s even better if you’ve more or less dealt with it completely. Here’s why:
You Can’t Make a New Guy Pay for an Old Guy’s Sins
First it isn’t fair. Thirdly, no sane, together guy who has lots of other female opportunity is going to hang around with you if you’re obsessed with being angry over men. He’s got his pride and his fragile male ego to contend with. Thirdly, only two types of guys are going to put up with you for very long.
The first are those with poor self-esteem who figure they can “listen” their way into your heart and your bed (or vice versa) by being the “ears” that will listen to all you have to say about how dreadful men can be. The second are “female-bashers” who will listen to you rant and rave about how you’ve been done wrong by men, if in turn you’ll do the same for him about women. Is either the way you want to start off a relationship?
Oh, there’s also a third guy – the one who wants to even a score with your ex for something that has nothing to do with you. It’s rare, but it happens, so watch out. You want and deserve someone who’s into you for you.
You Get Back What You Put Out There
As I noted above if you go out into the dating world with a chip on your shoulder about men the majority of the men you’ll attract will have a chip on their shoulder in return. It’s a very basic law of the universe that we get back what we put out there. Anger is fun to perform, but awfully dull to listen to if it’s something you’re not emotionally involved in – and even then it can get old fast. Save yourself the boredom, and clean up your karma so you can attract hot, fun guys who’ll show you a good time!
Anger Makes You Unattractive
Yes, I’ve hounded home the point that anger repels men, but over the long haul anger wears you out and ages you before your time. Even constant annoyance does this. Look at yourself in the mirror when you’re angry. Is this the face you want to present to the world? I didn’t think so. Imagine wearing this face hour after hour and finally your face will more or less set this way and you’ll be stuck with it! Makes you want to smile right now doesn’t it?
Anger Eats Your Time and Blinds Your Vision
When you’re angry you’re obsessed with who and what you’re angry about, there’s no real room for a wonderful new someone. Also your important gut instinct can’t function the way it needs to in order to weed out the winners from the losers when you’re filled up with venom.
Quelling the Anger Demon
Okay, so telling you to get rid of your anger is an easy thing for me to do, but we all know that almost anyone who’s been out in the dating world has war stories, and sometimes they ad up, and begin to feel like that’s all you’ll have, so in order to protect yourself you feel you need to arm yourself with anger. It may be cleansing for a little while, and yes, you probably should have told off that jerk, but now it’s time to move on and be ready for something new.
Get it Out but Don’t Feed it
Bottled anger does no good except to become that invisible force field repellent I was talking about earlier. But ranting and raving at new men doesn’t work either. Yes, certainly share with your friends, that’s what they’re for – but watch that anger doesn’t become your way of life, and your only reason to call someone you care for! After all, anything you give fuel to will only burn brighter. To keep you from becoming a potboiler here are a few useful tricks:
Journals are a great way to vent your feelings when they’re just too much to handle. On the written page you can really be honest about just how mad you are without holding back.
Write the guy who did you wrong a letter; spell it out in no uncertain terms how horrible he was to you. Put it in your drawer by your nightstand for a week, if at the end of the week you feel like you need to say these things, mail it to him. If you feel “over” it burn the letter and be done.
Get some exercise! I know everyone tells you this, but there’s a reason, it works. Anger builds up in your body and needs a release and sometimes a brisk walk, run, or aerobics class is just the ticket. Also, raising your heart rate and sweating for a good half an hour will release those blessed endorphins and make you feel better.
Escape into entertainment. If you find yourself mired with angry feelings why not have a film fest and watch all your old favorite movies – those films that really move you to cry because they’re so beautifully sad, or just fantastically happy. Especially watch those films where the “cheated on” heroine (such Sandra Bullock in Hope Floats) gains back her self-esteem and wins a fantastic new love. Or read an old favorite book that moves you to tears but makes you feel better about yourself. Tears can be wonderfully cathartic!
In Closing
The most important thing to remember is that the longer you hold onto anger the more it burns you. Sometimes it’s really tough to let go of anger at an ex, or a guy who acted like a real jerk – but it’s easier to let go when you remember it’s your own happiness and future romantic life that’s at stake. In the end, it’s all about you.
