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Women's Dating Tips >
How to Break Up
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How to Break Up
By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Breaking up is hard to do, there's no way around it. For some of us, especially women, being the instigator of a break up is particularly difficult – especially if we really care for and love the person, but just don't feel like we can continue an intimate relationship with them anymore. But staying in a relationship when our heart isn’t in it is worse. Why? Because the other person deserves to be in an intimate relationship with someone who looks forward to their kiss, looks forward to their touch as much as we do.
Sometimes, however, the relationship just isn’t good for us. We’ve been clear about our wants and needs in a romantic relationship and the other person either promised to make changes they didn’t deliver on, or they blatantly ignored our requests.
So how do we manage to break up with someone with any sense grace and presence of mind? We tell the truth and follow a few simple rules:
Have the guts to break up with someone in person and in private, either at your home or theirs. Setting up a date out on the town just isn’t cool, especially if the conversation will likely get heated, or either of you emotional. Neither is it cool to blow someone off in an email or letter – unless they’ve done something really bad.
The whole “it’s not you, it’s me” can be true, especially if you’re just going through a really stressful time and you can’t handle a committed relationship, or you’ve realized that you just don’t want to be in a committed relationship now – but if in fact you just don’t feel the chemistry, and you’ve already got your eye on someone else, be honest that it’s just not there for you. If you lie and pretend it’s stress when it’s lust for someone else, he may continue to carry the hope that you’ll get back together in the near future. He’ll be all the more hurt when he finds out you jumped right from him into someone else’s waiting arms.
If the man you’re breaking up with has ever been verbally abusive, or threatened physical abuse, you need to handle things with great care. If you live together you need to find a new place to live before you break up, and you need to have a good support network of family and friends around you when you do. Have a friend waiting for you when you break up, and yes, it should be in public, and don’t see him alone again, no matter how much he promises to behave.
Have the guts to break up with someone sooner rather than later. The longer you wait, the more annoyed and guilty you’ll become. None of us acts well when we’re both annoyed and feeling guilty.
If the chemistry isn’t there for you, but you like and care about the man, be honest without giving a blistering account of why he doesn’t thrill you. It’s not fair to tell them it’s all about his loud snoring, or the way he chews his food, or that he bores you to death with his love of playing video games – when really it’s just that the spark isn’t there for you.
The longer the relationship’s gone on, the more time it’ll take for both of you to let go of the relationship. Don’t sleep with him again, don’t give him “break up” or “pity sex” – especially if one of the reason’s you’re breaking up is incompatibility in the bedroom, or he’s been cheating on you, but don’t cut him out of your life totally either. Agree to see him a few more times to settle things.
If man has let you down after already promising to change you’re probably quite angry, but do your best to stick to the behavior that you found so upsetting rather than ripping apart his entire character.
Men can be terrifically lazy. They often see relationships going well if they don’t see daily examples of frustration and strife from their female partners. If it’s only now that you’re serious about breaking up that your man seems serious about making the changes he promised six months ago, and you really would prefer staying in the relationship with him if he does, tell them that you’re still “off” for now – but that you’re willing to set up a time now for three months in the future to reassess the situation.
If a man has done some really hurtful things, like cheating on you, lying to you about who he is/how he spends his time, and basically treating you badly etc. don’t be a chicken and say “it’s not me, it’s you”. Tell him exactly what it is that killed things for you.
If you’re afraid things are going to get really heated or emotional when you break up ask a good friend to call you an hour or so after you were to “break up”. If things aren’t going well the fact that someone else may come over might wrap up a conversation that you are afraid would never end. You may, however, find that you’re the one who needs someone to talk to and some moral support after it’s all done.
In closing let me remind you that what's for the goose is good for the gander. If you end things by saying you’ll be “friends”, and you mean it, agree to give yourselves a certain amount of time – say a month or three – before you see each other again. Keep your word! Men may not show how devastated they are about break ups as easily as women, but they do feel them deeply. Let him have his pride and ability to grieve without you showing up or calling soon to remind him of what he’s lost. Even if you hear that he’s going out with some hotty two nights later, leave him alone! You might be surprised at your own jealousy. If it rears it’s head, too bad! Let him go out and enjoy himself.
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