If He Can't Listen On A Date, He Can't Listen In Bed-

The Faster A Man Gets A Woman To Bed, Usually The Less He Thinks of Her As A True Human Being

Here is one of the saddest facts about dating; as much as we all complain bitterly of being lonely and wanting to find that special someone, a vast majority of us approach dating in our own fantasy world rather than living in the here and now and then act completely shocked when we wake up next to someone we don't really know or even like.

We have vague notions of the perfect Mr. or Ms. Right that we carry around in our heads, and when we meet someone who seems to sort of fit the part (often this means visually) we decide, without paying much attention at all to the actual person, that "they'll do nicely, thanks."

And then we wonder why we feel alone and un-listened to as the relationship moves forward, and why the sex is so darn lousy (especially for the women) even from the get go.

Be confused no longer. Here's what's going on. In the very beginning of a relationship, even before it's a relationship, it's the men who usually do most of the speaking and women the listening - which John Gray, famed author of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series fame says is a mistake.

Why? Don't we women often complain that men don't speak to us enough as it is? Yes, exactly - but the point is that we want them to "speak to us" not "at us" which is what they're likely doing in the first few encounters, and even ahead of time in email.

You see, in order to impress a woman most men they feel they need to brag about their accomplishments, their status, and their financial comfort or prospects. They want to show a woman they're attracted to that they can be a good provider. And the more they're attracted to the woman, and the more she has the good manners to be paying attention, the more men feel they need to hold the spotlight and share with this woman what a wonderful catch they are.

Two things happen at this point. The woman, bored out of her mind, ends the evening without giving the man a goodnight kiss and never returns his calls, which completely baffles the man. Or, even though she was pretty darn bored, the woman can't admit it to herself (especially if he somehow fits with her idea of her fantasy prince) and decides to give the man a chance thinking that because she was such a good listener in the beginning, soon it'll be his turn to listen to her.

Ah, but here's the bummer - the less a man listens to you from the very beginning the less he'll ever be willing to listen to you, unless you pull back and complete reset the rules. Why? Because you've become the fantasy princess in his head who has no needs.

Or the man decides you're boring because you made him do all the talking. Either way, if the man does all the talking the woman loses.

Good conversation is like a tennis match; the ball needs to volley back and forth if the game's going to be any fun.

And this brings us to the subject of sex. As much as most of us women dread and fear even thinking about it, we need to learn to communicate clearly and positively with men about what we need sexually in order to feel pleasure and satisfaction.

Men are not mind readers, and no, they cannot just figure it out. We're very complex sexual beings, and each woman has her own set of instructions sexually that only we are privy to.

The very raw bum deal between the sexes is that the faster a man gets a woman to bed, usually the less he thinks of her as a true human being he really wants to get to know.

Why? Because he's been using his standard seducing shtick on you, he hasn't had to do any wooing or figuring you out. You weren't an interesting challenge, he hasn't had to work for you, and we rarely ever value something or someone who's been handed to us on a platter.

Or, even if he does care, if he's been doing all the talking he thinks (again because you're his fantasy princess and not real) that he knows exactly what you'll need in bed because the two of you are so magically in sync.

I don't care how hot the chemistry is, communication needs to happen for the sex to be great. You can get through the first few encounters on attraction alone, but even then at the back of your mine you're beginning to list the things that you wish he'd do better.

So I hate to break it to you sweetheart, but if he hasn't been listening to you at the bar, the restaurant, online, at the club, or at the office, he isn't suddenly going to be all ears as soon as you hit the sheets.

Gaining His Real Attention

The challenge about getting a man to stop and listen to you is that it's so so easy to make a man who's been hogging the spotlight feel like a fool when you point out what he's been doing. Yes, he has been a bit of a fool, but unfortunately most men have fragile egos and if you're too blunt about what's going on, chances are he won't give the relationship a chance because he's not emotionally invested yet.

The best thing to do is to start fresh with the next encounter. Girl, you've got to pull the spotlight away from him and share about yourself. If you have to cut him off by jumping in on a topic you're well versed in. It may take a few tries to get the conversation to be a volley of give and take but hang in there. If you just can't make it happen you can try joking with him and say something like, "Hey wouldn't you like to know a little more about me?" And remember, every time he gets excited about you he may likely fall back into the old habit of stealing the spotlight so you'll have to be firm in changing this habit.

Sometimes the next encounter isn't in person but in email. It doesn't matter. Men tend to hog the attention here as well in the beginning of a relationship, writing long emails about who they are and what they're doing as if you need research on them for a term paper. My advice is to be sweet and flirty but use what he wrote as an opener to talk about you. Ask him one or two questions, but make sure the majority of the email is about you - if he comes back with only answers to your questions about him you can jokingly say something like, "wow, you sound better and better but wouldn't you like to find out if I'm as fabulous as I seem or secretly an ax murder?" But if he keeps phone conversations, emails and the next date all about him I'd consider not being quick to answer his next request for a date or to chat. If he calls asking what's up that's the time to break it to him straight and say, "I just didn't feel like you were interested in really getting to know me."