Dating After Divorce

As you’ve likely noticed much of the advice that we give about changing your thoughts can also change your life. They would only be so many pretty words if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve experienced it happening in my own life. The past five years have been some of the most difficult in my life, yet at the same time they’ve been some of the most rewarding because I’ve finally set my cap at designing the sort of life I’ve always dreamed of. Life after divorce there were two things I decided that were most important to me that I wanted to incorporate into my future: One was to finally try my hand at writing professionally, the other was to create the sort of romance and sex life I’d always vaguely longed for but had never managed.

For many of us, myself included, it isn’t easy to be okay with going for our heart’s desire. Especially when you start dating after divorce. As we grow into adulthood we often put aside our youthful dreams in exchange for what we see as being “the smart thing to do.” We exchange what we think of as “security” for risking it all on something that might simply be a pipe dream. Unfortunately this means that many of us not only end up in jobs we truly dislike, but in romantic and physical relationships that don’t really speak to us romantically or sexually at all. We have the feeling that we’ve gotten off track somehow, somewhere, but we’re not sure how or what we can now do about it.

The bad news is that it often takes our lives being downright miserable, being brought to a halt by illness, financial difficulty or tragedy in order for us to honestly look at ourselves and realize we’ve been ignoring our heart’s desire. For me personally it was illness that brought my life to a screeching halt. During the majority of the years I was married my ex-husband and I had a hand-made gift business. Towards the end of our time together I learned about public relations and how it could benefit our small company. Once we divorced I thought I could simply work my way up into a great position in public relations and work on my writing on the side. The universe had other plans. The only public relations jobs I could get were those I volunteered to do for free (but hey, I got to go to the Sundance Film Festival), or those I did only part-time for friends and other small creative companies. At the same time the migraines I’d been experiencing more frequently over the years hit almost full time.

With an aching head, not enough work to pay all my bills, and nauseated and fatigued from all of the different medications various doctors had me try, I found myself at home frequently with very little energy. What I did have though, was a computer, a connection to the Internet, and the conviction that I wanted to better understand both my sexual and romantic needs and that perhaps these were subjects I could write about.

My journey has been (and still remains at times) very challenging. But the rewards have been worth every difficult hour. I’ve not only become a writer with two regular columns, I’ve had some of the most interesting and rewarding dates and romantic encounters of my life. I’d like to share these methods here with you in hopes that this new year can become the year you too begin to design the life you’ve always longed for:


Dating After Divorce: Treat Yourself Well

This is the first step. No matter how challenged and stressful your life is you need to treat yourself well. Do everything you can to stop running yourself down with negative self-talk. Mentally shaming and tearing yourself down doesn’t make you a better person, it makes you a nervous wreck. If you have to write post it notes out with positive affirmations and inspirational quotes and stick them on your computer at work, in your car, and on your bathroom mirror and fridge at home, go ahead and do it. Nothing at all is worth your peace of mind.


Find A Creative Outlet For Your Romantic & Sexual Needs

No, I don’t mean for you to run out and sleep with the first man who shows interest. Why, because for many women sex is still a “performance act” based on being an object of desire, rather than being a act entered into for true connection and sexual gratification. Being desired is a wonderful thing, but it gets empty pretty quickly if the desire is only for our physical exterior and not our entire self. Take a close look at your sexual encounters. How many of them have been about filling the void of loneliness and haven’t ended up being very physically, emotionally, or intellectually gratifying at all?

What do I recommend instead? Anything that gives you great joy, makes you feel alive physically, and gets you in touch with your body. Dancing the night away, or taking a dancing class is great – so is any type of exercise you really enjoy. You can also start a journal just for your romantic and sexual thoughts and dare yourself to be honest and frank. Take an art class, read books like Susie Bright’s wonderful “Full Exposure” or any other type of book about sex and romance that’s sparked your interest but you haven’t had the nerve to pick up. Go ahead – no one’s watching. If they are they can just get their own life.


Make a Romantic & Sexy Soundtrack to Inspire You

To put yourself in the right frame of mind to be open to dating after divorce, and discover your real romantic and sexual needs, to give yourself courage to be sexier than you’ve ever been, or just life you up after a bad day, you need the right atmosphere. For me this means music. Fill your car and your room with sounds that stir your sexual and romantic longings, fill you with a sense of beauty and hope, or just make you want to get your groove on.

Personally I have all kinds of favorites picked out depending on my mood, or the mood I want to be in. When I want to be reminded that my heart’s desire is possible I play one of two classic songs, either Stevie Wonder’s “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout A Thing” or the Rolling Stones “Miss You”, if I just want to be in a romantic mood I’ll play something classical from Chopin, or perhaps Debussy’s “Claire de la Lune”, and when I want to be reminded of all the complexities of sexual and romantic connection I play Maroon 5’s “Songs About Jane.”


Find A Fictional Romantic Hero

Your romantic hero can be from a book or a play or a film, but he shouldn’t be a real man. Understand that this isn’t about yearning for you’re a cute local fireman, the husband of an associate, or a hot actor. What you’re looking for is the archetype of what you find romantically and sexually alluring about men. You’re looking to figure out your ideal sort of man, and what this specifically means to you. Is he slightly dangerous but ultimately trust worthy for that one special woman? Is he an ordinary guy who becomes a hero when circumstance calls for it? Is he resolute and steadfast in his beliefs even when others ridicule him? Compare and contrast the sort of men you’ve dated or been in relationships with versus the hero who stirs both your blood and imagination, and take a tough look at where things are falling short.

Personally I’m an idealist, but up until the past five years my romantic life hadn’t reflected this much. After re-reading the “Lord of the Rings” when I found out the movies would be coming out I realized my fictional hero is the character Faramir. He is a reluctant warrior with the heart of a scholar, a man resolute and steadfast in his moral beliefs, and who ultimately isn’t afraid to ask for the love of the woman who’s won his heart. The fact that he was played in the movies by Australian actor David Wenham, who isn’t at all hard to look at, helped quite a bit. But what accepting Faramir as my hero made me realize is that there were things I needed to do in order to get ready to have such a man in my real life. I had to stop moving forward with notion that I’d only find love by working hard to be there to “help and support” a man gain his potential. This was one of my favorite stunts. Faramir doesn’t need a savior; he’s already living up to his potential. By accepting this archetype I realized that instead of looking for a man to “save” I needed to step up to bat and save myself. I needed to live a life I was intellectually and creatively proud of to attract the sort of man I really wanted.

What sort of homework is your romantic archetype pointing out that you need to do? Dating after divorce is a fresh chance to design the life you've always dreamed of.