By Jackson Morris
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
I recently read an article on HANDJOBS. I also like to refer to these as GRIPPERS.
I was laughing my ass off. I am positive it was written by a woman. Even if you don't agree with what I have to say today - I will still say there is no better source for learning to give a gripper than from MEN. We have been giving ourselves grippers long before you ladies started polishing the pole.
Love me or hate me, I've got some great tips for you girls...
First of all anyone who thinks there are dozens of techniques to giving a gripper is looking to suck your "bucks" not your guy's cock. The reality for a man is that when you are getting a gripper he's only thinking about how good it will feel to come or orgasm - not just have some chick wear down his broomstick for an hour with callous hands that have jewelry all over them. That sounds like a big fat ouch.
Let us start there - if you are going to give your man a gripper than I highly recommend you get all your jewelry off first. I know you think he can't feel it if you have lube on but imagine me rubbing your clit with a slippery spoon or coin - yeah, not that attractive.
One of the techniques I read about was called "FIRE". It suggests you rub his pipe between your hands as if it were a piece of wood you were trying to start a fire with. The word FIRE should never be synonymous with anything to do with a man's dick - write that down.
Does the phrase "burning sensation" ring a bell? It is synonymous with venereal disease not hand jobs. Any motion you provide for the penis with your hand is okay if it does not burn, cut, slice, scorch, bruise or maim the male unit in anyway.
For you girls who watch porno movies and see the girls "biting" the head of the cock - it is all for show… nobody but my editor cares for painful penis punishment.
* Editor's Note: Jackson Morris, you're a comedian...
Back to the topic at hand - when you give a guy a hand job you better make it FAST. For those "FOREPLAY" specialists out there who think I am Pygmalion chauvinist who promotes the "get & go" quickie - I have a news flash: One thing leads to another. If you think you are only going to give your guy a "hand job" and nothing else, you better jerk him fast or he will insist you stick that pole in your mouth and suck the life out of him…or worse yet - he will bend you over the trunk of your car and stick it right in you, lady Godiva Style… bareback.
A hand job must be done to with only one thing in mind and it is not the ANVIL STROKE, the TWIST & SHOUT or the BOOKENDS or any other stupid 10 minute minutia about choking the chicken. It is about: GETTING HIS ROCKS TO BLOW!
If any woman ever gave me "DOORKNOB" I would punch her in the throat!
So here is the trick: If you have to do your work in an obscure place like the car or at work or something - SPIT on your hand and DON'T rub your hands together. Just put the wet hand right on the shaft just below the head with your gripped pinky finger resting on or periodically hitting the ball sack.
Grip it like you would imagine him gripping his dick if he had to rub one out real quick in the men's room at Bloomingdale's. Your forefinger and thumb should be perpetually massaging both the head and the shaft in a "milking" motion. If he is not "responding" then ask him if you should do it tighter or looser to heighten his pleasure.
Make sure you "TALK" to him while you're doing it - what I mean by that is TALK DIRTY! Don't ASK stupid questions like, "Are you gonna come…are you ready to come?" Just talk - just start saying nasty stuff like, "When we get home I am gonna stick this pole in my mouth and then stick the wet tip between my pussy lips".
If you talk dirty to a guy when you are gripping his totem pole you will speed up the BLAST OFF. Bring a Kleenex or Bev-Nap because when the SPLASH comes out it will be a big one. Also remember that "fingernails" are a big no-no.
Personally I think hand jobs are WEAK. That is something a Vegas hooker or lousy girlfriend gives a guy to hold him over or get some cash. Why not be a "good girl" and go all the way? If you are on your "period" then so what, give him a blow job.
Since hand job and blow job both end with "employment" then do all the jobs a good employee would do; go the distance. The only other exception to my rule of Vegas hookers and lousy girlfriends is a teenage girl. If you are a teenage girl then that is the only thing you should be giving a guy because you are not "experienced" enough yet to know that men are selfish, sex obsessed demons with only one goal: devouring your pussy. So, you hot little "teenagers gone wild" start playing tennis or something and build up that grip.
The key to a good hand job is keeping it simple with dirty talk and a good grip, nothing more, nothing less. All those tricks and tools are a little whacky and what guy really wants the DOUBLE WHAMMY or the SPOT PINCH! Not me, this I know for sure.
DON'T RUB THE LAMP IF YOU DON'T WANT THE GENIE TO COME OUT
