By Alexa Joy Sherman and Nicole Tocantins
Reviewed by Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Published by:
10 Speed Press
Box 7123 Berkeley CA 94707
www.tenspeed.com
"One could argue that because women ovulate only once a month in contrast to the male 24/7 impregnating potential, it is women, not men, who are more inclined to have sex simply for the pleasure of it all.”
- -Emily Kramer & Melinda Gallagher, cofounders of Cakenyc.com (from The Happy Hook-Up)
If you’ve ever contemplated having casual sex you need to read this book. If you’ve ever had casual sex and had it go wrong you need to read this book. And you most especially need to read this book if you’re the sort of woman who keeps sleeping with men the first night you meet them hoping it will become a relationship.
Can a one night stand turn into something more? Yes, but here’s the clincher only when you’re unattached to the outcome. As the authors rightly note if you’re going to have casual sex you need to learn how to keep your emotions and your orgasms separate. The authors’ note:
“To do this, you need to have enough self-awareness (and probably age and experience) to understand what you want from the situation and why you want it. Again, you must gauge the situation and be clear and honest with yourself before doing the deed…”
Sherman and Tocantins have written a smart, well organized, well researched and beautifully put together book that works not only on the level of empowering female sexuality but also as a sexual primer for any of us who’s missed some of the very important basics – such as why you absolutely should have no love if there’s no glove in Chapter Two: Herpes and Scabies and Crabs, Oh My spelling out just what can happen if you’re not careful, and a great check list on how to give a great blow job in Chapter Eight: Techniques, Taboos, Turnoffs, and Trouble.
Written in a smart, wry, sassy, “you go girl” style the book supports its main thesis that women deserve to enjoy sex and sexual self discovery as much as men by sharing honest, funny (and sometimes cringe worthy) anecdotes of both “what to do” and
”what not to do” stories from the many people who partook of their extensive survey to support each one of the books pointers.
One of the strongest aspects of the book is it’s realistic, cover your bases, you’ve-got-to-take-care-of-yourself tone that is at the same time about promoting fun and pleasure for women. Sherman and Tocantins ask the reader to be honest about the state of their ability to have “sex for fun” with a variety of questions (from their answers they let you know if you’re ready or not to move forward in the game) including a very important checklist to find out if you’re setting yourself up for trouble with a guy by wanting more from him though you pretend it’s just about sex.
Is there someone you’re lusting over? How do you rank on the following?
Is he a friend or close acquaintance?
Have you bonded heavily?
Do you know his first and last name?
Does he know your first and last name?
Do you know what he does for a living?
Do he know what you do for a living?
Do you care about or respect what he does for a living?
Have you thought about what your first name and his last name would sound like together?
Have you fantasized about where your honeymoon will be?
Have you fantasized about him being the father of your children?
Obviously, the more “yes” answers you give the more likely any physical encounters that would happen between the two of you would be more than just sex – at least in your mind.
If you’re going to have casual sex, Sherman and Tocantins point out, you’ve got to both play it and take it like a man. Any hidden agendas will likely only break your heart.
To make moving forward into this type of adventure easier Sherman and Tocantins lay out some very smart ground rules to follow such as The Pleasure Principle:
“Focus on your own gratification, on a purely physical level, and make the encounter about what gets you off. If pleasing him does that, then please him. If you’d like him to do something he’s not, ask for it. A successful hook-up is when you feel completely satisfied and happy with yourself.”
Amen. The book goes on to be a very practical guide of just exactly how you go about casual sex with chapters on everything from Chapter Three: The Bedding Planner or how to get your body ready for action, Chapter Four: The Meet Market or just where to find these guys, and the very important Chapter Five: Date-Stoppers or how to spot the sort of men you ought to absolutely avoid.
I personally loved Chapter Eight: Techniques, Taboos, Turnoffs and Troubles and this bit on Giving Direction:
“Whether it’s his kissing style, the way he touches your body, his cunnilinguistics, or the sex act itself, you must be absolutely honest and sometimes aggressive when it comes to your satisfaction. There’s nothing wrong with telling him what’s working for you and what just plain isn’t…”
This book has a strong message of self-reliance and self-responsibility for a woman’s own sexual pleasure that’s something almost every woman I know could hear more about. I’m sure you could too, so I encourage you to buy the book!
I leave you with one of the many quotes from men in the book (always sectioned off separately in red and called The Boys Club Says) also from Chapter Eight on what a turn-off female apologizing for men:
“I don’t give a fig if your room’s a mess or your roommate’s a bitch. I’m not here to judge. Relax for Christ’s sake.”
