by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Reviewed by Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Published by: Simon Spotlight Entertainment
New York, New York
“If a guy is happy lying around in bed with you eating cookies and watching old movies, and he’s not gay, he’s just not that into you.” - Greg Behrendt
Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo met when comedian Behrendt was the “heterosexual” male consultant for HBO’s Sex and the City where Tuccillo was an executive story editor. They’ve put together a great little book to remind women just how idiotically we can behave over men who are clearly “not that into us.” The book is broken up into eleven chapters, each headed with an example of male behavior that shows clearly a guy isn’t that interested like Chapter 2: He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling, Chapter 6: He’s Just Not That Into You If He Only Wants to See You When He’s Drunk, and Chapter 11: He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s a Selfish Jerk, a Bully, or a Really Big Freak.
Much of “He’s Just Not That Into You” is made up of fictional example “questions” for Behrendt from various women about the sad state of their relationships and Behrendt’s blunt straight answers as to why the relationship is doomed because, you got it, the man just isn’t that into them. Yep, the questions that are written to Behrendt are fictional, but anyone reading “He’s Just Not That Into You” will recognize chapters of their own lives. Here’s an excerpt I found powerful and thought provoking from the He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Married to Someone Else:
“This is going to be controversial, but I am going to say it anyway. No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing. Sure, they may feel powerful, deep, mythic in scope and proportion. You may “never ever have felt this way before.” But who cares? If the person you “love” cannot freely spend his days thinking about you and being with you, it’s not real love.”
Throughout the book Behrendt takes one common excuse after another from “He’s Got a Lot on His Mind,” to “He’s Scared,” to “He Just Got Out of a Relationship” and points out again and again that men will move mountains to be with women they’re truly interested in. I remember a few years ago watching a late night Dr. Phil show (at 3:00 a.m. when I couldn’t sleep) and hearing America’s favorite advice Dr. said the very same thing to a woman who’d waited years for her married lover to finally get divorced – he still hadn’t.
The truth is, no matter which sex it is (because yes ladies, we can use men as doormats too), we only get treated as badly as we’ll allow. Show a man that you’re ready to bend over backwards to make yourself available to him and he’ll easily get bored – it’s the human condition. We’re intrigued with those who are rare, independent, and can take us or leave us.
Still it stings (and is amusing too, if you can laugh at yourself) to read how many different ways women can find to rationalize lousy relationships with men because we’re scared of being alone, or afraid we’ll never find anyone else. What saves “He’s Just Not That Into You” from being terribly harsh is Behrendt’s firm belief that women deserve better. Why does he know this? Because he’s been the guy who’s behaved badly when he’s “just not that into a woman” and he dramatically changed his tune when he met his wife.
At the end of each chapter the points you should have learned are spelled out again. I particularly liked the check-list after Chapter 9: He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Disappeared On You:
He might be lying in the hospital with amnesia, but more likely he’s just not that into you.
No answer is your answer.
Don’t give him the chance to reject you again.
Let his mother yell at him.You’re too busy.
There’s no mystery – he’s gone and he wasn’t good enough for you.
Tucillo’s role in the book is to chew over Behrendt’s advice at the end of each chapter in a section called “Here’s Why This One Is So Hard” and point out (from her own personal life) just why the heck it is so hard to follow Behrendt’s advice. She’s obviously still debating some of his views in her head (even at the end), so while she shares stories from successes in friends’ lives called “This Is What It Should Look Like,” it doesn’t carry the emotional impact if would have if she’d actually had an epiphany moment herself of why it’s crucial to have strong boundaries about the type of behavior one will and won’t accept from men.
Tucillo does point out that she and Behrendt have different personalities – that she’s a pessimist, and he’s an optimist. She has a hard time accepting his absolutism but at the same time feels that women have been conditioned to expect so little. It’s clear she’s still sitting on the fence. But I have to agree with Behrendt, all the time you spend in a relationship with a man who isn’t good for you waists time you could be available for someone right. There are millions of people in this country, millions. For the first time in history the number of single people are coming close to the number of married people. Unlike other times in history we now have a choice. He’s Just Not That Into You points out the types of behavior in men you absolutely shouldn’t put up with. The book doesn’t really cover this topic, but there’s always the possibility that a man can look at you with “new eyes” once you’ve set firm boundaries and have decided to fully respect yourself – but it’s not something you hope for, it’s something you have to own.
