By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
"You have the most power with a man at the very beginning, and it's at the very beginning you need to learn to use that power wisely."
One of the biggest mistakes you can make when first getting to know a man is something we women do all the time - and that's to pretend that the things about him we don't like, say his taste in clothing, the way he keeps his apartment, his taste in music, his friends and choices in entertainment etc. etc. don't bother us at all, when in fact they actually drive us crazy. But instead of saying something we bite our tongue and pretend to be easy going, entertained and a myriad of other positive things all in the name of moving "dating" to an actual "relationship."
The problem is that once we're in the "relationship" we show our true colors and start working diligently on changing everything about our new boyfriend we secretly didn't like about him as a date, but didn't have the nerve to tell him. Often we start slowly, showing our disapproval or lack of interest for just one area of his life (say that friend of his who's always telling the off color jokes), but sooner or later many of us basically try to remake the man's entire life.
And we tell ourselves we have the right to do so, because well, his friends are idiots, he dresses like a slob, and we have his good in mind. We think we know what's best for him because women are usually more emotionally mature than men. We think we're just helping him grow up.
It's very possible that his friends do show signs of idiotic behavior, and he does dress like a slob, or has poor table manners, or is stuck in frat-boy mentality, but let's be honest, we don't have his good in mind so much as we want to mold him into what our image of the perfect boyfriend is.
The problem is he didn't sign up for this course in self-improvement; we signed him up for it. Rather than thanking us he's going to resent us like hell. If he doesn't run from the relationship straight out he's certainly going to find ways to get back at us, and trust me, we're not going to find it pleasant.
Now, does that mean I'm saying you should just accept a man as he is? Nope. What I am saying is that you need to let him know up front what behaviors of his drive you nuts.
Be Clear About Your Preferences
You have the most power with a man at the very beginning, when he's still wondering how best to woo and win you over, and it's at the very beginning you need to learn to use that power wisely. Here's what I'm talking about:
He loves sushi and you hate it. Don't pretend you like it. If you're okay with going to a sushi restaurant, on occasion, and ordering teriyaki than let him know that up front. Don't pretend to love anything just because he does because he'll expect you to keep loving it and will be shocked and very disappointed when the truth comes out.
Let's say he's really late for your first and second date. For the third date tell him politely that it's important to you that he's punctual, that it doesn't seem like he values your time if he can't make it when he says he will. Wait 15 minutes, and if he doesn't show up take yourself off to do something fun. I guarantee your not being home when he finally gets there is going to work far better than if you waited for him until you were in a terrible mood and then pouted through the date.
If he dresses too casual for your taste on dates let him know you prefer it when men take it up a notch. Don't put him down, just be clear on what you like - that gives him the opportunity to step up to bat on his own. If he asks for your help give it, but don't go in and makeover his wardrobe unless invited to.
I'm not advising you to be an uptight bitch, I'm not advising you to not be about give-and-take, and I'm certainly not advising you to be open to new experiences. What I am advising is that if you give too much in the beginning on things you know you don't enjoy, and behavior that turns you off, it's going to be expected for the rest of the relationship - because you set it up that way. Make him work a bit for your approval, however, and he's going to think you're someone worth winning over and he'll work all the harder to do so.
Don't Ever Lie About Having An Orgasm
If you want a great sex life don't lie about having an orgasm during intercourse (or any other sexual act) when you haven't actually had one. This is just setting up both of you for frustration and anger. Sure, in the beginning you're both nervous, and you've heard so much about how fragile the male ego is, so you decide that it's best to make him feel good by telling him "oh yes, it was wonderful thank you" when really you didn't even get close, or you got close but didn't get to finish…
Great sex is about great communication. Even when the chemistry between you is hot hot hot you've got to let him know exactly what you need. And if you're not experienced enough to let him know what you need, than let him know that too. Tell him you'd like to figure it out together. Take the pressure off him feeling he's got to figure it out all alone. That's not fair to him, and you'll be the one left out in the cold in the orgasm department. Men aren't given an instruction manual to female sexuality when they hit puberty. If you share with him in a kind, sweet way what you need in order for him to rock your world, you'll probably be very pleasantly surprised by how eagerly he gets down to putting this useful information to work!
