By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Whether we like it or not there’s an aspect of “selling ourselves” when
it comes to looking for love. We can hate it, we can bitch and moan
about it, but since it’s impossible for a member of the opposite
sex (or anyone else for that matter) to look straight into our heart, soul
and desires and see the real “us” within a few minutes (or even weeks,
months and years) of knowing us, we have no choice but to do
our best to let them know who we are via our communications skills.
And that’s where we often get into trouble. Most of us don’t believe the real “us” is going to bring us great prospects. We think the dating game is like the employment game (and yes, there are plenty of people out there telling us they are one in the same) and that just as we put the “right” spin on ourselves in our resumes, we need to put the “right” spin on ourselves personally order to reel in the “right” kind of guy. There are, however, two big problems with this approach:
1) You end up selling yourself as a Chevy when really you’re a Ford
2) Your idea of the “right” man might not be ideal for you after all
Selling The Wrong You
Should you put forth the best you when looking for love? Absolutely. Letting someone know about every bad thing that’s happened to you in the past three years in the first ten minutes of the first date, or the very first email, is never a good idea. We all have tough things that happen and we shouldn’t pretend otherwise, but a first date isn’t the time to burden this new person. If you lead in with your troubles you’ll only attract the sort of men who are looking to save someone, who only knows how
to be a shoulder to cry on and offer advice (which he will expect to be taken) – not a man who’s looking to be in an equal relationship. On the other hand, if you present yourself as someone who’s life is all sunshine and good times a man may be very intimidated and feel you’re not very human. It’s a challenging balancing act. The best way to handle it? Ask yourself how much you like to know when first meeting a new man.
Where most women really stumble in presenting their real selves, however, is regarding our true tastes and interests. We either fabricate tastes and interests to present for “dating” that we feel will be more alluring than our own true tastes and interests (these are tastes and interests we see as popular with friends, family and the media), or we quickly agree with our date and his professed tastes and interests. Like it or not we’re lying in both cases. Our tastes and interests are an integral part of our very being. Oh sure, in order to keep seeing a certain guy (or heck, even marry him) we can keep up the façade of being wild about Nascar, beer, and fly fishing but sooner or later our mask is going to slip and our real self is going to show.
Do yourself a favor and show her from the very beginning. A man has every right to be hurt and angry when the real you shows her true colors and admits that no, you don’t like spending all Sunday with his family when you’ve been going along with it happily for three months (or or six months, or even three years). If you haven’t been honest with him about how you really like to spend your time he can’t be expected to read your mind.
And no, it isn’t obvious to men how you’d prefer to spend your time. You have to tell them. In fact, you have to spell it out very clearly.
Selling To The Wrong Guy
Who we want to attract for a romantic relationship is a very personal thing, and yet we’re constantly told by our friends, family and the media about who we “should” want. Are you certain that the type of man you’re looking to attract is the type of man who is really attractive to you? Or are you looking to attract a man that will make you impressive to friends and business colleagues? Are you looking for the sort of man who will make your own heart sing, or make your parents happy?
Sometimes the ideals of our friends and families are so strong and ingrained within us that they feel as if they’re our own. It takes time and attention to our feelings to sort through and find out what’s really what. Fortunately, your own personal entertainment choices are a great way to figure out the exactly the kind of men who appeal to you:
1) Who are your favorite male heroes in your favorite books? What is it about these men who made you admire and be attracted to them?
2) Who are your favorite male T.V. characters and why? As above, what is it about these characters that made you admire them?
3) Who are your favorite male movie heroes and why? Again, what is it about these characters that made you admire them?
Please be as specific as possible about each character – take the time to really figure out why he caught your attention and admiration. As you do this exercise you may find out that while you thought you were drawn to quirky artistic guys what really thrills you are high powered executives (like Tom Cruise often plays), or you might be a successful career woman who realizes she’s crazy for a man who’s great with his hands and can build things.
Allowing Your Taste
There’s no judgment here about who’s right and who’s wrong – your taste is your taste and that’s exactly what you need to be clear about in order to start drawing the right men to you. Stop looking to others for what sort of guy you “should” want and start tuning into your own heart and mind. The truth may surprise you.
