By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Dear Melissa,
I’m an attractive woman in my late twenties who’s finally over a breakup with a long time boyfriend. I’m ready to date again but I’m pretty shy and find it difficult to talk to men I don’t know. So I’ve followed all of your advice about Internet dating, I’ve created a profile that’s really me, I have photos that show me off at my best, but the majority of the men who contact me I have ABSOLUTELY no interest in meeting for coffee, let alone going on a date with. They’re either MUCH older than I’m interested in, or from foreign countries, or just unattractive and weird. Why do men contact me who don’t fit my profile requests AT ALL? What am I doing wrong?
Krista, 27 Chicago
-----
Dear Krista:
Guess what? You’re not doing anything wrong at all. Unfortunately attracting people who we don’t find attractive in return is just a fact of life. But it happens even more so on the Internet, where the removal of instant rejection, or even discouraging body language from a woman, makes many men much braver than they’d ordinarily be in person.
Take a Philosophical View
The good news is that men are finding you attractive. The bad news is that they aren’t the men you want. This, however, is the price of being attractive. Sure, sometimes it can get really annoying, especially if the men are rude and overtly sexual with their emails, or just won’t take no for an answer.
The trick isn’t to argue the point with a man you don’t find appealing, but simply not to answer him at all. On occasion with some me a simple thank you but no thank you works, but other men use even that brief contact from you to try and argue their way into you going out with them – the problem is you can never be sure who these are so it’s best just to be silent if a man doesn’t seem to fit your bill.
And yes, do follow your gut. While many men become more attractive to woman over time, as we get to know them and really learn about their character and personality (such as a co-worker, the brother of a good friend, a family friends etc.), you don’t owe a strange man you meet via the Internet a chance to dazzle you with his personality if nothing in his profile is at all appealing to you.
Let’s face it, a few simple words tells us a lot about a person – from his profile you can tell if a man is too lazy to make an effort (what does that say about him on a date or in bed?), whether he has a sense of humor you find funny, if you have similar interests – and yes, whether you find his photo attractive.
Since we’ve been told forever that men are the more visual of the sexes, too many men seem to feel that it’s fine for them to desire only beautiful, in shape women, but the women should over look their un-kept appearance, and spare tire around the middle. While I don’t think it’s wise to only hold out for movie star looks in men, you should certainly allow yourself your taste – and that’s why you’re going to have to become pro-active…
Recognize the Men You Find Attractive May be Shy
Yes my dear, you’re going to have to be proactive. You’re going to need to do searches and find the men you find attractive yourself. Because yes, just as I note above, the sort of men you find attractive may simply be shy. Even though men put their profiles up on dating sites doesn’t mean they’ve got the forward type of personality to write to every woman they might find attractive – or, it may just be that somehow your profile missed their notice. There are a lot of people online. If you want to make sure you get seen, by the type of men you find attractive, you’re going to have take the initiative and say “hello.”
Would you like to know what men tell me over and over again when I ask them what they wish women understood better about men and dating? They wish women understood how hard it is to be the one who always has to make the approach. Now does this mean you have to ask men out? Nope. In fact I don’t necessarily recommend it. Just as you never know which guys won’t take a polite “no thanks” for an answer, you never know in advance if a guy is the sort who feels he has to be the one to actually ask a woman out.
But I do recommend making contact with a man you find attractive. How do you do it? Simply say “hi” and let him know what caught your attention about his profile. Shared interests, similar taste in music, favorite places to travel, etc. are all great ways to open a conversation with a guy – but keep it short and sweet, no novel writing.
And don’t get hung up on one hottie just from an attractive photo, he might be taken already and forgot to take his profile down, or he might no longer look anything like his photo, or you just might not be his type. Don’t put your eggs in one basket; remember successful dating is a numbers game.
Okay, so you’ve sent out some emails, and a guy or two has written back. What do you do next? Let him suggest meeting in person. Give yourselves a chance and meet sooner rather than later for coffee in a safe public place. Hey, a girl has to watch out for herself.
If You Like Him Let Him Pick Up the Tab
No, meeting at Starbuck’s, or your local gourmet coffee house isn’t original, or exciting, but it’s the best way to meet someone for the first time without wasting too much time and too much effort. If there’s no spark neither of you is out much, but if there is a spark let him buy your coffee, or tea, or cookie or whatever. And then let him ask you out again.
