By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Just how can you tell if a guy is into you because he’s really feeling a connection and chemistry, or he’s just looking to get laid? It’s such a tricky conundrum that recently I decided to go straight to the horse’s mouth and ask a group of very sexy, smart men from the ages of twenty-one to thirty-nine the following questions to see if even they know when there’s a difference. I think you’ll find their answers intriguing, and sometimes quite enlightening:
Here Are the Questions I Asked
How do men decipher whether what they feel for a woman is true chemistry between the two of them, or just lust? Anything specific you look for, or is it just a feeling?
Have you ever had such amazing chemistry with a woman that you pushed for physical intimacy right away and ended up feeling “it was just too easy” so it must only be lust?
And ran away as fast as you could…only to regret it later?
And Here Are Their Responses
From Sean, 33, Portland Oregon
I don't think men run away from relationships because it's only about lust. If the sex is good the only way we're going to leave is if the non-sex is bad (wanting a commitment right away, too clingy, high maintenance, psycho, etc.). I think women get the impression that giving in too easily turns a guy off when in reality guys don't evaluate whether a woman is going to be long term until after we've had sex with them. Holding out just prolongs the inevitable.
As far as "pushed for physical intimacy right away" that's the main agenda for all guys on a date. "Amazing chemistry,” means that she's accepting and reciprocating your advances. Unfortunately, "it was just too easy" sometimes comes with serious emotional problems which usually don't come out until the next morning. Of course guys don't mind the risk because serious emotional problems usually also means great sex.
Regretting it later just means that you forgot why you ran away in the first place. Every couple months I'll smoke a cigarette because I remember the initial buzz I get but have forgotten how bad they make me feel afterwards.
From Preston, 29, Seattle
Well as one of the men in the field I'd have to say it's not easy. So much of an initial meeting is physical, but depending on how advanced the male is at knowing what it is he ultimately wants, the more likely he is at deciphering whether a true connection is possible.
At 29 I've learned some valuable lessons, and my attraction to women has changed slightly. Not to say physically, but while I may look at the eye candy with the rest of the guy's I'm very unlikely to be attracted to a woman that flaunts her assets in a less than classy way. So what am I trying to say? Many of the men on the average Joe may have never been with a beautiful woman, so the looks become a distraction. For those who have, they may be more prone to look beyond the initial attraction for something more substantial, if that's what they’re looking for.
Lust is unavoidable, but a real connection involves a reciprocation of caring, which is relegated by the men's values and desires. On both sides it's how people make each other feel.
From Dave, 32, Long Beach California
For me there are two different levels. If a girl looks really good to me then I am at first immediately turned on and have lust for her. Then if later I find that that lady has a lot of coolness and goodness and digs me and likes to have fun with me- then I know that there is something real that I'd like to develop and continue with.
From Matt, 39, Orange Co. California
Well that’s easy ... lust is a mental yet very physical response to seeing a sexy sensual women or for some guy's that could be any girl that looks at them and says hi. But, true chemistry or love comes when you not only lust for her, but want to share and know and explore the world with her, and share the things that are important to you with her, and have her share hers with you. It’s when just sitting is good ... great.it’s in your head and not in your loins
From Mike, 38, Palm Springs CA
I’ve had that chemistry, once. However for me, when sex is the last thing I think about, and instead it’s more how I can't wait to just be with her, I know it is something worth looking into. Then again, after sex or even self-gratification, if she is still my first thought, same thing. I’ve never pushed for sex with anyone, well not since I was twenty-five anyway. The time I had that kind of connection, I was so into her I would have had sex during that first dinner, however it was way more important for me to just enjoy her, and if sex didn't come for weeks or months than so be it.
From Scott, 35, Los Angeles
For me a lot of it depends the moment... there's no unattractive type for me... I do look for certain traits i.e. listening, observing, independence, how one reacts to family, how one acts in tough/ stressful moments...
There has to be a physical attraction or it's just friends.... however it has to be friends first... one thing’s for sure – the faster in bed the faster it doesn't work. Yes, I’ve had a few "too easys" and have ran a few times! And vice versa!
I don't think most people know who they are... so how could a person connect? The only test I know is the end of the day test... if your other takes time to end the day with chat, touch, listening, understanding then things at least end the day with hope...
lastly, how do you decipher between true chemistry and lust? Lust is when I just want to get it on! Chemistry is when I want to hear about her frog that she had in 4th grade.
From Justin, 21, Los Angeles
I never regret anything I have done.
I tend to like it when it is "just too easy" but that’s just my preference. I don’t like it when someone I’m going to have a relationship with is being all hard to get.
When I know is, when you kiss the girl it’s like you’re all alone with her even if you’re in the middle of a crowd, or when you’re with her you don’t think about any of your troubles. Also when you don’t feel like you need to be talking or need to be doing something. If that makes sense.
Something to Consider in Conclusion
As you can see there’s no straight, easy answer. What is chemistry vs. what is lust is definitely a personal thing, however, I think it’s important to note that when chemistry is involved the man is interested in all of you – not just how fast and often he can get you into bed.
