By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
Ok. It’s Not You It’s Me. How many of us have heard that dreaded phrase come out of a man’s mouth just when we thought our relationship was going to move to the next level – say from dating to “exclusivity” or from dating to well, gosh, “the big question?”
Quite a few of us I’m afraid, and it often leaves us feeling blindsided, confused, angry and wanting to argue our way back into the man’s life and affection.
This, unfortunately, is exactly the wrong approach. You cannot argue your way into someone’s affection unless the entire gist of your relationship with this man is a cycle of arguing, breaking up and getting back together (If this is your shtick I can’t help you as long as you want to stay on that drama merry-go-round, but do let me know when the nausea gets to be too much and you want off the ride.)
But back to being surprised and blindsided and how to handle it with as much grace as possible.
It's Not You, It's Me
First we need to understand why men use this excuse in the first place. For that let’s go straight to the horse’s mouth and see what a few men have to say for themselves:
“I believe I have used the 'it's not you, it's me' excuse before, but of course, it is a complete lie. In fact, I think I may have used it on the last serious relationship I had. She had huge debt problems and a general lack of any real direction in life. So who wants to hear that? No one wants their obvious problems thrown back at them. Sometimes it is easier to just go easy and take some imaginary blame and move on.”
Graham 32 Los Angeles CA
“I've used it. But it really was me. I was petty, but didn't have the guts to admit exactly why. I guess it boils down to one thing: it's easier to just be a jerk than to have to admit why you're choosing to be one.
I'm 39 now, but I can still be a jerk if I sense myself as emotionally vulnerable or attracted to somebody with whom I could never get as close as I'd like.”
John 39 San Francisco CA
“It's kind of obvious why guys use that excuse. Nobody likes hurting anybody's feelings. Problem is in the few times I've used it, she never believes me anyway. So I have learned, and expect the same in return, to be honest. No matter how much it hurts. I feel you lose respect if you try and use the "it's not you, it's me" excuse. Being honest, even brutally honest, is much more respectful and credible than trying to avoid hurting her feelings. The break-up itself has already done the damage. If nothing else, by being honest it might help her to improve herself for her next relationship. I know that's the way I view it for myself.”
Randy 43 Alta Loma Ca
From what the men here have spelled out and other men have told me they use the “it’s not you it’s me” excuse for two main reasons:
They just don’t feel “it” and by “it” (though many men can’t put their finger on “it”) I mean the elusive and beguiling chemistry.
There are just too many minuses about the woman, whether it’s bad habits that drive them crazy, or differences in taste, or a lack of shared values (just to name a few possibilities) but they don’t want to spell it out and come across as a bad guy.
How not to be Blindsided if the Chemistry is Missing
Before he even says "It's not you, it's me", you should see it coming. Here’s the deal, you have to be brutally honest with yourself at all times about the status of your romance – whether you just started dating a guy or you’ve been together for twenty-five years. If you listen to your gut, if you’re really tuned into the person you’re romantically or sexually involved with, you’ll know when something’s wrong, or even just-not-quite-right.
Women aren’t stupid, but we do tend to ignore our instincts when acknowledging them means we have to deal with possibly painful issues. If you’ve been very single for a long time (meaning it’s been quite a desert) it’s all too easy to ignore the signs that a brand new relationship is quickly hiding the skids. Chemistry, after all, needs to be going both ways in order for it to really work.
Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there for the guy as much as it is for you. It’s tough, it sucks, but if you’re fair you’ll remember all the times some guy who just didn’t do it for you wanted to go out with you (or let’s be honest – sleep with you) it helps the sting a little. So how do you know the chemistry isn’t there? Well, if he’s a still a perfect gentleman at the end of the second date and only goes for a very brief kiss (or none at all) he’s either incredibly shy and inexperienced, quite religious, or most likely, he just isn’t feeling it.
Men who are feeling chemistry usually try to get as physically close to the woman as politely possible on dates (and of course sometimes they’re not so polite at all). If the guy’s touching your knee with his under the table, touching your hand or arm to emphasize a point, and holding your eye contact for long periods of time during a date he’s feeling some chemistry. The same goes for him extending the date as long as possible, and of course, trying to either go home with you or get you to go home with him.
Chemistry, however, can quickly cool if the subject of the man’s interest is just too available. If after the initial meeting and attraction you become the one calling the guy and setting up the dates, if you’re the one picking up the phone and writing the emails, you’ve got a problem and you’ve got to face it. Just as the famous book says, sometimes you have to face the painful truth of “maybe he’s just not that into you.”
And if we’ve learned anything at all about romance and sex ladies it’s that a watched kettle doesn’t boil, a watched phone doesn’t ring. If you’ve been watching after the man like a hawk do your best to bring yourself back down to earth, let go of the pursuit, and remember you had a life before you met the guy (unless you really didn’t, in which case you need to get one).
How Not to Be Blindsided if He’s Annoyed by Your Habits
We women often spend so much time complaining about men, complaining about how they aren’t as in touch with their emotions, complaining that they’re stingy sexually, complaining that they’re insensitive to our needs, etc. etc. that we forget men have just as many complaints about us. While grown men can certainly act like kids in regards to many aspects of their lives (at least to our way of looking at things) that doesn’t mean they aren’t full-fledged responsible adults with well thought out values and tastes.
Sexual chemistry can certainly open the door for you with men, but even sexual chemistry wears thin if you just don’t share the same values as the man does. Too many women bank on their ability to keep a man sexually interested and then are shocked to find out that their five cats really did drive him crazy, as did her need to constantly borrow money, or that she had no ambition other than marrying well.
If the man you’re dating voices disapproval over some behavior of yours, and you really care for him, listen to what he says. No, it doesn’t mean you have to give up your dog for him, but if it’s something that you know in your heart you should really be improving about yourself anyway now is a great time to do it (like say, being more punctual). After all, left untreated what is initially a small issue can become the straw that breaks the man’s interest.
