By Melissa Balmer
Copyright © 2006, Seduction Insider, www.seductioninsider.com.
"Sure, we all feel jealousy from time to time in romantic relationships, but when we show our hand, when we show our insecurity, the relationship loses the equilibrium that made it such a fun, sexy, ride." - Melissa Balmer
You've met a great guy. You're having fun spending more and more time together, and the next thing you know you've got a full fledged boyfriend. And everything's great - except that suddenly you find yourself obsessed with how he spends his free time when he's not with you, and worrying if he could be cheating.
Obsess anymore about it and you'll have suddenly become a jealous psycho girlfriend all men dread and warn each other to stay away from.
The problem is that he has no history of cheating, he's not late for your dates (well, not very), he doesn't disappear for days at a time with no explanation, but sometimes he's just a bit too nice (in your opinion) to the cute waitress/bartender/salesgirl when you're out together, and you wonder if he's even nicer to these women when he's just out with the boys.
You also remember all too well that he was dating more than one girl when he met you, and you wonder if he's kept in touch with them, just to keep his options open.
So you worry, and sometimes it ties you up in knots and you find yourself calling him just to find out where he is and what he's up to. Now that he's your boyfriend though that's totally cool, right? You're just looking out for what belongs to you, right?
No. What you're doing is giving away your relationship power. What you've got to do is put down the phone, or the blackberry, or the email, and learn the power of chill. Here's why; jealousy usually has the totally opposite effect than what we want it to produce. This is one of the most important lessons you can learn here from us on Seduction Insider.
When we admit to feeling jealousy, or behave in jealous ways, what we really want our boyfriend/lover/spouse to do is to make us feel better by reassuring us of their love and desire for us, and us only. Instead, our jealousy tends to make our significant other feel like we don't trust them, and no one likes to feel as if they're not trustworthy.
Jealousy also points out weakness and fear; it gives away your personal power. Once you start to give away your personal power in a relationship you start to lose your desirability.
Sounds harsh, I know, but desirability in a relationship is far more about who-you-are, and how-you-behave, than how fabulous you look in that little black dress.
Here's a point you absolutely need to own:
People, especially boyfriends, treat us the way we teach them to treat us. When we behave in jealous insecure ways, a guy will start to treat you exactly that way - and guess what happens next? He doesn't call so often because he knows you're waiting by the phone or the computer to hear from him.
Is this because the guy's a jerk? No, it really isn't. It's because suddenly he feels pressured into calling and spending time with you, rather than doing so because he just wants to. The minute you become an obligation you lose some of your sex appeal and you become a "should." Men also equate "shoulds" with their Moms, and trust me on this one ladies; you do not want to become your boyfriend's mother.
But Jealousy is Natural
Sure, we all feel jealousy from time to time in romantic relationships, but when we show our hand, when we show this insecurity, the relationship loses the equilibrium that made it such a fun, sexy, ride - especially in the beginning when the relationship's still young, and hasn't had time to cement into something real.
So that's why you need to learn the power of chill, chill buys you time, and chill buys you clarity, and chill (if you use it right) keeps the power of the relationship balanced. But you can't use the power of chill if you can't learn to override your own emotional reactions.
So Just How do you Chill?
Just from the word "chill" you get the idea that when you chill you cool down. You don't do the emotional impulse you almost feel overwhelmed to do. You stop, you take a deep breath and you stay still. You give yourself time to think rather than just react. You take the time to contemplate whether acting on your jealousy is more important than the relationship.
If you decide the relationship is more important, as well as keeping your power in it (which I highly recommend you do) than the next thing you've got to do is figure out
what sort of "chill" activity you can do until you calm down enough, and no longer feel like you "just have to call," or drive by his house, or call his friends and check up on him, etc.
It doesn't really matter what sort of "chill" activity you do, so long as you don't act on the jealousy thing, and it doesn't cause you harm (eating some chocolate ice cream isn't going to hurt you, but indulging in a half gallon every time you feel the green-eyed monster your waistline won't be too happy). But it helps to have an action plan figured out ahead of time - or at least a few things to choose from. Let's take a look at a few possible ideas:
Writing in a journal. Blogs are great too, but not if there's any chance your boyfriend will read it.
Going for a walk or working out. Nothing clears the head like some good old exercise.
Organize something. When you're all fired up with that jealousy energy why not put it to good use by cleaning out your drawers or organizing your closet?
Create something beautiful. Paint your bathroom a beautiful new color, make a piece of jewelry, paint a picture - do something creative rather than destructive and you'll feel much better.
I'm sure you can come up with a great list all on your own as well. The important thing is to make yourself use the list whenever you get yourself wound up in a jealousy knot emotionally, but intellectually know you don't have a leg to stand on.
Even if you feel your suspicions have good reason, you always have more power in the relationship if you take the time to cool off and chill.
And remember, the longer you take to pick up the phone and call, or email, or whatever, the more curious he's going to be about what the heck you're up to - and he'll be the one to pick up the phone!
