What Men Think of Your Jealousy

Recently I was browsing through some writing a friend had posted on his website when I came across his thoughts on female jealousy. It seems a friend of his got busted when the guy’s girlfriend saw a picture of the guy out at a nightclub with his arms around other women. The guy is no longer “allowed” by the girlfriend to go out with this particular group of male friends anymore.

This gave me pause because I saw the photo in question as innocent. Yes they were at a night club, and yes the women were scantily clad and “hot”, but they looked to me like they were just posing for a picture. Still, I tried to put myself in the girlfriend’s shoes and remember back to what I would have felt, say, fifteen years ago. I too, might have been upset, though I don’t think I would have told my boyfriend he couldn’t go out with his guy friends.

It got me wondering about female jealousy and how it had adversely affected the relationships of my other male friends and acquaintances. I started asking around and received some very interesting thoughtful answers.

Sure, at the very beginning of a new relationship a little bit of jealousy from the one you desire is very flattering. But what happens when it moves beyond that? As Bill 25 wrote:

“I found jealousy to be kinda sexy at first. I guess a moderate amount of jealously can be cute, even sexy. It makes you feel like that person really wants you, but it's rare that it's a moderate amount. Most of the time, it's a clear sign of insecurity and THAT is not cute or sexy.

Jealously > insecurity > possessiveness > miserable relationship = loss of independence and self.”

Josh 29 had this interesting take on the situation:

“I don’t tolerate jealousy as it ultimately stems from a lack of trust. If this girl can't trust him to be out with platonic friends to have a good time, then maybe she needs to go with someone she can trust. Now, I don't know the basis or seriousness of the relationship and I don't know if he has given her a reason to not trust him in the past (cheated etc...), but if I was him and I've given no reason for this jealousy, then I would have to say a serious talk with her is in order to work out the trust issue or he needs to walk. They aren’t married, I assume, which means they aren’t yet “one” as a person, and thus she has no real say about what he does outside of her provided he's being faithful. As I said before, jealousy comes from a lack of trust and there is NO relationship without trust.”

We women often put ourselves on the pedestal of having “better emotional behavior” than men. But is it really true? Especially in regards to jealousy do we just naturally assume we have a leg to stand on? Do we assume men are guilty before a man’s actually done anything at all to make us suspicious? Michael 35 had these eye opening comments to share:

“I had a girlfriend who told me, ‘all men are dogs, they only want sex’. She wasn’t mad in any way; we weren’t in a heated discussion. She just said it like it was a fact she thought I ought to know. It made me stop and think ‘how can someone come to that assumption when she broke it off with every boyfriend?’ I don't know. The only thing I can come up with is she's attracted to the wrong things in people.

Could it be she was impressed at an early age and from then on could only see information that supported her experience? Reality is a funny thing. To a certain extent truth can be false at the same time. It is true men do love sex, but it's not the only thing. And all alone it sure doesn't keep relationships together.

Are we really smart enough to find the right beliefs or does circumstance and peer pressure make the decision for us? If you hear from so many people, so many times ‘men are dogs’, do you still think of it as a joke?”

Good question. Personally I find the saying “men are dogs” really unhelpful. As long as women (or even men, for that matter) are of the opinion that men are far simpler in their needs than women, and therefore you simply must use a firm hand to guide them in the right direction, we’ll never get any closer to understanding each other better or appreciating and celebrating our differences. Men aren’t dogs, nor are they children, and we should avoid labeling them as such – unless their behavior warrants otherwise.

Several of the men I spoke with had well thought out philosophies on female jealousy and how to handle it in their lives. Brett 30 had this to say:

“I’m pretty attendant to the girls I go out with. Therefore, if they get jealous it’s rare and when it occurs it’s modest. So no, it has not affected any relationships I can recall in any way more than a momentary glitch. When I was younger, yes, it was more an issue.

But I can tell you that jealousy makes me feel like I’m in a box, and when I am in a box I am always looking for the way out of the box – which may equal out of the relationship. Light jealousy is OK. It’s very normal and shows they have some feelings in the matter (aka relationship). But if oppressive, it’s a force of destruction.

Worse still, it’s unhelpful in any and all ways. If you’re jealous, do you feel good? No. Does your partner feel good? No. Can it provide benefit to the situation? Not that I’m aware of. Can it hurt the situation? Most definitely. More important to deal with is the reason for the jealousy and not the jealousy itself.”

How many of us women have totally shot ourselves in the foot with a great guy because we were too insecure and therefore jealous? I’m certainly guilty of it in the past. How about you? I hope the men I’ve talked to have given you some food for thought.