Jealousy – Why Good Relationships Go Bad

“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.” – Erica Jong

Recently, after a woman new to Seduction Insider wrote the following note on our message board, we decided that the green-eyed monster “jealous” was a topic we hadn’t touched on nearly enough in our articles:


Hey everyone I am new to this one. Anyway I have a huge problem and I really don't have anyone around here to talk to. Well my boyfriend and I (Matthew) have been together for about 9 months. We rushed into our relationship quite fast but it has been wonderful and we are truly in love. Here comes my problem. I am extremely extremely jealous over him, I mean bad. I have never ever gotten jealous over a guy in my life and I have dated a few people. I can't help it. It’s horrible. For example, the other night he had to work with this 85-pound blonde Paris Hilton whore look-alike. Anyway I know Matthew has a thing for Paris Hilton regardless if he will admit it. Well needless to say I completely flipped out on him about working with her for no reason at all. I accused him of flirting and wanting to sleep with this girl. I need help and maybe some reassurance because this behavior of mine is very destructible. If anyone has any good advice, please let me know.

-Orgasmatron1234


Jealousy the Destructor

While many of you will agree that her reaction is natural, that most women would be jealous of their boyfriend working with a Paris Hilton look alike, the truth is that jealousy is a destructive force that causes the most damage to the one who feels it. In other words, it’s a weapon you actually turn and use on yourself. In the heat of the moment you may feel justified in your jealous feelings (he’s working with a woman who’s totally hot and reminds him of a celebrity he’s attracted to) but the anger and uncertainty that jealousy stirs up eats away at your own feelings of self-worth and confidence – not the person your jealous about. She is free and clear, while you become a more and more unpleasant person to be around.


Pulling Yourself Together

The best thing to do is to own your jealousy and recognize when it’s rearing its head. Rather than justifying your feelings, which is our natural instinct, take the time to chill with the raw energy. You can feel the feelings without acting out on it. Most of the trouble from jealousy comes not because it raised its head, but because of the stupid things we do once we feel it. Really stupid stuff. And the worst part about this is we totally give our power away.

That’s right, acting out through our jealousy gives away our power. Why? Because we show our significant other that they are so important to us that the mere idea, the mere thought they could be attracted to another person is enough to drive us crazy and makes us a very unpleasant person to be around and well.

Romantic and sexual relationships stay healthy and vibrant and sexy because both sides are equally attracted and involved. We all know we can kill a new flirtation with someone we’re attracted to by showing too much interest and being too available, but we forget the same kind of thing can happen to a relationship already in the works. When you start showing jealousy to your romantic partner, you show your insecurity and fear. You’re not trusting in their attraction to you, so you begin to get sad and withdrawn, or mean and shrewish. Oh sure, a little bit of jealousy shows you care – in very small amount – but when jealousy because a default setting you throw the whole dynamic of your relationship off. Your significant other starts to dread you.

Power in romantic and sexual relationships comes from owning that you’re totally desirable, that’s when you’re truly yourself and fun and interesting and sexy.


Focus on Your Own Life

When the green-eyed monster rears it’s head (whether you know it’s over a silly situation, or a possibly serious one - hang in there, I’ll get to what to do in that case below) focus on yourself. Sit with the raw uncomfortable energy until you can catch your breath. Breath slowly and deeply until you calm down. And once the energy dissipates enough for you to take control of yourself decide right there and then that you’re going to do something nice for yourself, something positive for yourself. No, I don’t mean to go out and eat your way through a pint of your favorite cookie dough ice cream, I mean for you do something for yourself that will lift your own spirit. Listen to your favorite cd, read your favorite book, or take yourself off to a movie (or rent an old favorite with a particularly hot hero). Do whatever you can to get away from chewing over negative thoughts and doubts and move into a better headspace.


Don’t Denigrate Other Women

One of the most disturbing things to me about Orgasmatron1234’s note above is her calling the woman she was jealous over a “whore.” Sadly it’s become all too prevalent in our society for women to call other women they disapprove of, or dread, such a derogative term. But here’s the thing, calling another woman a whore (especially when you have no proof) really reflects negatively on you and your character more than theirs – and again you give your power away when you denigrate others.


What if Your Fears Have Validity

Okay, I’m not naïve. I know people in committed relationships cheat, and I know that even if they don’t cheat, they flirt and come close to crossing the line in a way that can be very upsetting to their significant other. If your partner is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable you have two choices – you can talk to them about it, or you can get even in an intelligent way so they understand what it feels like.

The challenge with talking to someone about your jealousy is that they can often laugh in your face and tell you “it’s nothing” or that you imagined the whole thing. That’s why I prefer making your point by getting even – but doing so intelligently. Don’t run out and sleep with your partner’s best friend because he habitually flirts with the waitress on your Friday nights out, or if he speaks a little too fondly of a pretty co-worker. Just do what he does – but don’t be totally obvious about it. And first you must let go of any of your own jealous reactions. Don’t throw a fit if he goes out for a bachelor party, don’t fume when he’s flirting with the waitress, just find your own cute guy to chat with now and again in front of him, find your own charming co-worker to speak glowingly about. And when your man complains (and he will) you can smile sweetly and say something like “Oh, no problem – but in return I’d appreciate that you stopped letting me know how fabulous Sarah at work is.”

Trust me, he’ll get the point loud and clear without your having been a bitch, or a nag, or having said very much at all.