Am I A MILF?

Recently I went to the Seduction Insider message boards to find out what was on the mind’s of our readers and found a very interesting situation posted by Amystika. Married, and 36, she’s just realized she’s become a “MILF” (Mother I’d Like to F-u-c-k for those who don’t know what I’m talking about, a line made famous in the movie, American Pie ) for two of her 17-year old daughter’s male friends (who are aged 18 and 19). That’s right, the guys are crushing not on daughter, they’re crushing on Mom, and starting to be very obvious with their attraction and their attention. Here’s what she had to say:

“First of all, please don't judge me. This has never happened to me before, and I don't really understand why it's happening in the first place. I'm also 36 years old and married.

My 17-year old daughter has 2 guy friends that are 18-19 yrs. old. They hang out all the time at our home, and even take trips with us on occasion (shopping, dinner, etc.). I get along with her friends very well, as we all like the same kind of music, goth style, and taste in jewelry.

Knowing that one of them (18 yr. old) had a rough home life; I tried to make things easier for him by listening to his problems, and trying to be a mother figure to him. We ended up bonding pretty well, and became good friends. He ended up staying with us for about three weeks during the summer, and many times-we would sit up and watch movies or just talk about his "girl problems" and such.

Lately, he's been acting a little different towards me. If I go somewhere, he wants to go. If I'm lying on my bed, he'll want to come in there and just lay on the bed and talk. He's now always saying things like, "Come on, let's just go somewhere."

(If you’d like to read all of Amystika’s post please check out our discussion board posts on MILF.)


Celebrity MILFs

You can laugh and think she’s making a mountain out of a molehill, and that only Mother’s who look like ex-super model Rachel Hunter get that kind of attention (you may recall Rachel starred in the famous video “Stacy’s Mom”), but that’s just not the case. While most teenagers and young adults choose only celebrities who are quite a bit older than they are to have crushes on, others find people to crush on right in their own neighborhoods (and yes schools, as many a female school teacher may be considered the ultimate MILF by horny young teens).

How can I be so sure this type of behavior is going on? Because both of my parent’s were the sort who engendered crushes in my friends when I was in high school and in my early twenties. Yep, my Mom was a MILF and my Dad was a FILF (to the point that one friend asked to let her know if my parents ever got divorced). If you still doubt me all it takes is recalling the bizarre case of Mary Kay Letourneau who had an affair at 34 with her 13-year old student, served jail time because of it, had two children with the young man, and is now married to him.


MILF And Mary Kay Letourneau

That’s not to say I’m holding Mary Kay Letourneau up as a good example of how to handle things – no, far from it. But let’s get back to Amystika. First off she’s not sure how she ended up here, and secondly she’s not sure what to do about it. So my dear Amystika this advice if for you and all of the women and men out there who find themselves suddenly trying to deal with the amorous attention of a much younger, and inappropriate person.


Remember You Are a Sexual Being - Whether You're a MILF or Not

With all the things a Mom (or Dad) has to take care of in life, work, errands, kids, cooking, shopping, bills, etc. etc. it’s very easy to forget that you’re more than a parent, that you are in fact a live, vibrant (even though it’s easy to forget), sexual human being even if at times you feel like you’re not much more than a bread winner and chauffer service. The following from Amystika shows clearly she doesn’t see herself that way:

“My husband has said all along that this guys has a "thing" for me-but I cannot see how, since I do not consider myself attractive at all. I told him that perhaps he has confused the feelings of love for a mother with love for a girl his own age.”

In another post Amystika makes a comment that she’s 36 as if she’s well over the hill. Hello! May I remind everyone that women don’t come into their sexual prime until they’re in their mid 30’s! Yes, it’s easy to feel over the hill in our youth obsessed society and when you’re raising teenagers, so sometimes you need to take a step back and take a good hard look at yourself and realize that you haven’t become a different type of person just because you’re a parent. Even if you’re too tired to have sex with your spouse it doesn’t mean you’re not a sexually alluring person to others around you.


You're A MILF Simply Because You Want Sex?

I don’t make these comments to infer that you should dump your spouse and jump into an affair with a young person barely legal (or worse, not even legal) but rather to wake you up to the fact that disowning your sexuality doesn’t do you much good at all. Owning that you’re a person someone, even a younger person, can have a crush on puts you in the position to squarely deal with the facts as they are – that you are an attractive woman in her sexual prime – rather than living in denial which could have dire consequences (such as being pinned to the washing machine by an amorous young man who just can’t keep his lust to himself anymore).


If You're Going To Be A MILF, Value The Connection But Clarify The Boundaries

Like many good hearted people Amystika has gone out of her way to make the tough life of a teen aged boy a bit easier, opening up her home to him and becoming someone he can really talk to. Having someone to talk to, to open up their heart to and not feel judged is a precious commodity for a young person, and not for one minute should she regret that she had the generosity of spirit to do it.

That being said, when dealing with hormone filled teen aged boys (and girls) it’s probably best not to lay down on ones bed with those of the opposite sex (even just for a heart to heart), or get too cozy when watching movies (especially late at night). I’m not for a moment suggesting Amystika isn’t completely innocent, I’m just being practical.

Be careful not to put yourself into situations that the young person could misconstrue as something romantic and/or sexual when what you want to be is a good friend.

Has the young man mixed up his maternal yearnings with his longing for a girlfriend who really understands him and believes he’s found both in Amystika the lovely older woman? Yes, it’s highly likely. Unwittingly she’s stepped in and is sort of serving as a surrogate for both.

So now it’s time to set some boundaries. Amystika needs to have another heart to heart with this young man and tell him that she’s a happily married woman, the mother of one of his good friends, and that some of this young man’s comments are inappropriate and are starting to make her feel uncomfortable. I would do all possible to keep from getting upset, or angry, or emotional, but I’d be honest. Let him know that his high esteem for her is very flattering, but they cannot be more than friends. If he can’t accept the terms than he’ll have to take a break from coming to their house and spending time with Amystika until he can see things in a different light.


Make Sure The Communications Lines With Your Husband Are Open

In the case of Amystika’s husband it sounds like a) he knew the guy had crush on his wife well before she did and b) he’s handling it well and with humor. Still it’s always a bit awkward to find out someone has a crush on your spouse, even if that person doesn’t appear to be any sort of threat. Some spouses might not be so understanding. My Father use to get quite grumpy when one of my friends (an ex-lifeguard with an amazing competitive swimmer’s body) would call to chat with my Mom and update her on all of his goings on. It was totally innocent in this particular case, but it still put my Dad in a bad mood.

Some teenage children might not be so open minded either. It sounds like Amystika’s daughter finds the whole thing quite funny and tells her mom about how cool the boys find her. This won’t always be the case. Some teenagers, who are often riddled with poor self esteem issues themselves, are incredibly jealous of any attention an attractive parent might receive, so attention from the teenager’s peer will be seen as especially hard to take. My sister once told a date (who was going on and on about how beautiful and charming and fun our mother was) that he should ask our mother out if he was that interested.


She's A Hot MILF

But if Amystika wants to be smart, this entire episode is a great opportunity for her to open up to her husband about some of her poor self- esteem issues. She obviously sees her husband as the more attractive one of the pair of them (which I’d bet money he disagrees with) and this frankly is quite sad. Teenage boys might be filled with raging hormones but they’re not blind. Obviously there’s something very charming and alluring about Amystika and she needs to take a good look in the mirror and own it for herself.


Own Your Great Communication Skills but Focus Them in the Right Direction

It’s clear that these young men find Amystika very easy to talk to and that in itself is a great skill. Unfortunately in this case it’s also a great aphrodisiac (and don't doubt that bagging a MILF is considered 'bragging rights' by many young men.) Now that she knows she has the ability to attract not only great conversation, but also the lust from these young men, she needs to be careful in the future to make sure her boundaries are clearly stated and that her interest is purely “friendly.” That doesn’t mean they can’t have honest, heart to heart talks, but she needs to always keep in mind that interest and compassion can be misinterpreted as possible interest and passion – especially by lonely (or horny) young men looking for some MILF.