How No Can Lead to Yes

The women who have the most power, the ones who are sought the most, in the world of dating and sex aren’t necessarily the youngest, or the most beautiful, but they are the ones who know the incredible power of the art of saying “no.” I say art of saying “no” because there’s a style to it that’s polite, but firm – in other words they can say it without being or becoming a bitch.

So okay, here’s the reason you need to be able to say “no” in the first place – because men (myself included at times) often like to bite off more than we can gracefully chew. Maybe it’s wired in our DNA, I don’t know, but we can be reckless. We like to start things fast and furious – not remembering how easy it is to get sick of someone, anyone really, that you spend too much time with too soon. We like to jump into getting to know a woman with both feet – only later doing a 180 when we realize we’re getting in farther and faster than we know how to deal with.

Sound familiar? I bet it does. Is it fair? Nope. But it’s true. And you’re a big girl, so I think you can take it.

Anticipation, as much as it makes us all a bit anxious, also builds curiosity and interest.

A woman who knows the “art” of saving no doesn’t let our tongue run away from us, promising things impossible to follow through on.

She isn’t a mother taking care of us with this action; she’s saving her own sanity.

Listen, we all get bored and sad in the every day grind of life. So when we connect with someone of the opposite sex where there seems to be real potential it’s all too easy to forget the nice routine we’ve created that keeps us organized and focused, our machinery well oiled and running smoothly. It’s really easy to fall off our routine. To be distracted by possibilities and flirtations, to stay on the phone too long, to IM or email endlessly, to say “yes” to another date in the same week, and late night out (or even sex) when what we really need is an early evening in.

But the woman who knows the art of saying “no” has taken the time to realize this type of behavior hardly ever gets her closer to the sort of relationship with the man she’s interested in. Instead, she’s realized, it often burns it out before it has a chance to become something more. She knows no one’s are at their best when they spend too much time with a new romantic interest. They aren’t at their best when they haven’t had time to process new information and to miss each other.

She’s also realized she’s a great commodity whose time is too precious to be squandered. She doesn’t say yes to dates with men she’s not interested in just because she’s lonely and wants a free dinner, and she doesn’t give in and say yes to dates with men who she has a bad gut feeling about, who don’t treat her respectfully, and with whom she has absolutely nothing in common.

She wants a real connection – not just hanging out to stave off boredom. She also knows actions speak louder than words – most especially with men. She’s already heard it all, what she wants now is a man who can do what he says he’s going to do, a man who can keep his word. So she knows how to keep the interested man on a mean lean diet of her time until he’s proven worthy of more. She’s a woman who values the life she’s created whether or not there’s a romantic interest. She doesn’t dump plans with friends or family at the last second when a guy calls – she simply lets him know when she could be available (and she only gives him one or two choices, not every other night that week).

The woman who knows the art of saying “no” has also learned that no matter how charming and appealing a man is, no matter how sweetly he asks, our libido is leading our request for early sex – not our hearts – so if she’s interested in more than a sex buddy or a one night stand she’s better off not jumping into the sack with him until she knows him better. She’s learned the hard way that far too many men still have double standards about sex, and it usually takes longer for us to emotionally care for a woman than for a woman to emotionally care for us.

She does have rules – but not The Rules. She has her own special deal, worked out to suit her particular life. She likes where she lives so she’s not looking to move in with a man right away for better digs. She doesn’t volunteer to water his plants or walk his dog right away if he’s going on a trip if they’ve just met. She wants to be his lover, not his caretaker, his faithful buddy. Neither does she take up space in his apartment, or leave a toothbrush or lingerie accidentally on purpose to try and stake out her claim (nor does she let him do this at her place either).

She calls men back, and even initiates calls when she feels like it, but not because she’s lonely and desperate and needs to fill an emotional void in her life. She calls because she wants to tell him about a funny story she heard, to ask for his help or view on something (we love this), and to just let him know she was thinking about him – but she doesn’t do this in the first couple weeks of knowing him. She lets him pursue her in the beginning – even if she’s the one who first emailed him on the Internet site – because she knows men value that which they have to chase.

She knows we all want special and we value that which we have to work for.