Taking Charge of Your Own Orgasms

Why in the world aren’t we straight with men? Why do we feel we have to do the song and dance of pretending? Just off the top of my head I came up with the following:

-Not wanting to kill the mood with a new lover. Things are fun and exciting so why ruin it with this possibly mood killing news?

-Believing the man just can’t handle it, that his ego is just too darn fragile.

-Being embarrassed to admit you’ve never had an orgasm before ever.

-Fearing that the time and effort it’ll take for you to accomplish an orgasm (whether via cunnilingus or intercourse) with your lover will bore and tire him and he’ll lose interest in you.

-Not wanting to take the time and effort yourself that it will take for her to have an orgasm. There just isn’t time right now, it’s better to just get on with it and make him happy.

-Believing that the orgasms you receives during oral sex or foreplay are enough. You’ve read that most women don’t orgasm during straight intercourse anyway so you’re just part of a huge statistic and needs to deal with it.

The problem with lying about whether or not you achieve an orgasm is that it paints you into a box – whether you do it every time or occasionally (and by the way, the sin of omission is just as bad. If a lover assumes you’ve had an orgasm and you don’t correct him you’re still trapped in a false hood). The trap you’ve created for yourself, often started with good intentions, usually ends up bringing confusion and grief.

Let’s be honest, sooner or later lacking the level of pleasure your partner experiences during sex breeds resentment – fierce resentment – especially since sex isn’t just blah sometimes, it can be downright painful. But how can you complain if you’ve acted “as if” you’re in ecstacy all the time? Your lover is baffled. He can’t understand your avoidance of sex and you just don’t know how to tell him the truth. He thinks you’ve got emotional issues and the truth is you’re just not having fun.

So what can be done? You can take charge of your own orgasms. No, I don’t mean that the only orgasms you get to experience are off by yourself (with or without your favorite toy or vibrator). No. But you do need to recognize that a man doesn’t give you an orgasm – he helps you bring one about. And a man can’t help you achieve an orgasm unless he has the right data to make things happen.

I know that masturbation is still a dirty word for many women, even in this modern age, but without masturbation you simply don’t know how your own orgasms work. Only by spending time with yourself and discovering what gives you pleasure will you be able to share with your lover how to make things happen.

For other women masturbation is no problem at all, but they don’t know how to create the pleasure they feel by themselves into the arena with their lover. There are two ways this can happen:

First off you can show your lover what kind of touch really works for you. Men handle their penises far more roughly than we handle our much more delicate equipment. Your man needs to be shown and reminded that you probably need a much lighter touch. It’s important to approach showing him not as a criticism (especially if you haven’t been vocal about what you need before) but as an expansion of your sex life together. Why not tell him you want to show him what you do in private when you’re thinking about him? Most men love to watch and are only to happy to plant their eyes between your thighs while you do a show and tell. You can even ask him to help by giving you additional stimulation.

-Working by yourself you can learn how to orgasm in new ways that will make it easier to accomplish with your lover. Two of the easiest ways for women to orgasm during intercourse are either via additional stimulation to the clitoris during intercourse, or finding a way to directly stimulate your G-spot. Both of these techniques can take time and effort to learn with your lover, but if you spend time investigating the possibilities by yourself you’ll be far better prepared for success.

In order to start learning how to orgasm via additional clitoral stimulation during intercourse you can use a vibrator, dildo, or even a vegetable (i.e. zucchini, large carrot etc. but make sure it’s clean and smooth) to act as a penis while you masturbate. Rather than focusing only on the pleasure created by the touching of your clitoris, however, move more slowly and see if by squeezing your vaginal muscles and moving the dildo in different ways you can create pleasurable sensations in your vagina as well.