Practical Voodoo:
A Woman's Guide to Meeting Mr. Right

Practical Voodoo is about taking your love life into your own hands and making your own magic. It's about finding the right tools for you to focus your energy and thoughts to create the sort of fun, sexy, romantic love life you've dreamed about but didn't think could really happen. Remember, the only reason Prince Charming ever found Cinderella is that she had the guts to go to the ball in the first place!

But you say you know what you want? You say you know the specifics? He's at least 6ft. tall, has curly brown hair, blue eyes, drives a convertible, makes six figures and comes from a similar ethnic-religious background? That's not specific darling, that's window dressing. That says nothing of how you want to feel when you're around this man, and how you want him to feel around you. Feeling is the crucial important ingredient we usually forget to consider. Without the right feelings going on with a man the guy could be Brad Pitt on the outside, and you could still end up feeling miserable.

Far too often a woman meets a man who has a few of the accoutrements she thinks would be right for her and quickly goes about trying to make it into a relationship. Let's be honest ladies, we often push and shove a budding something to try to make it into a "serious relationship" don't we…especially around the time we begin to feel our biological clock ticking.

It's time to take a deep breath ladies. It's time to let our ourselves, and the men we encounter in our romantic forays, off the hook. We need to be okay with giving ourselves time to learn what we want, then we need additional time (once we've met someone), to see if that guy is really right, rather than deciding first we're going to make it right just to settle our fear of being alone.

No one is less sexy and alluring then when the agenda is "I need a SERIOUS relationship now. Desperation isn't attractive. We all know this, and yet it's such an easy trap to fall into. Not only society, but our friends and families as well put a lot of pressure on those of us who are "still" single, or single again. We often receive the message you're not quite "whole" if you're not in a "serious relationship". As if pressure from our family and friends isn't enought we have the media, the dazzling media, bombarding and titillating us 24 hours a day. Almost wherever we look there are images of idealized romance and sex, and how we too can achieve instant fabulousness in both if we just lose weight, wear certain designer labels, lighten our hair and hurry up and FIND someone.

What's so easy to forget is that those images are created to sell products, not to teach us how to really be happy in love. I'm not suggesting that appearances don't count, not at all! Who we're attracted to is about chemistry, and chemistry is extremely important…but it's just one part of the equation.


"Getting Prepped"

In this first section we're going to take the time to prepare ourselves for romance, we're going to prime the canvas. In order to draw to us the right kind of man, and the right kind of romance, we need to get very clear on just exactly what sort of person that would be in every aspect of a relationship-from physical chemistry (of course), to belief systems, temperament, sense of humor, morals, ambition and more. It means taking a good long hard look at ourselves and discovering what we're all about, our own beliefs, our own ambitions, our own ideals. In order to do this, in order to focus our energy and keep ourselves on track, we need some structure to help us along. We need a plan. We need to start creating our own Practical Voodoo.

So how to start? In the words of Julie Andrews in the "Sound of Music" we start at the very beginning.

Give yourself permission to take your romantic life seriously.

This is easier said than done, and often it's not an instant achievement. Most of us have given ourselves permission to be successful at something, it may be succeeding at work, or caring friendships, cooking, parenting, you name it…but giving ourselves permission to be successful in romance? Not many of us have. Good romantic skills, like good communication skills, are something that we assume we learn through osmosis, as if our subconscious merely needs to download all the necessary information from various sources (movies, friends, our parents, our even just relying on instinct) without our ever making a concerted effort-at least not past college anyway.

So give yourself permission, permission to take this journey, permission to search your heart and soul for what is really right romantically for you. Give yourself permission--once these discoveries are made--to allow yourself to ask for what you've discovered you want. This is the key, and this is the part where many of us have problems. We don't think it's okay to want what we want romantically. We don't think it's okay to have needs, and yet, in the New Testament Jesus tells us very clearly:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

Now, I understand that Jesus isn't the spiritual guide for all of us, but if you are a spiritual person, I recommend that you take the time to go to your particular favorite spiritual text and look with new eyes. I believe you will find very similar sentiments. If you aren't a spiritual person, no problem, but do take the time to read a few inspirational biographies of famous people, like athletes and movie stars. Nine times out of ten you will see that many of them knew from a very early age that they wanted to create an exceptional life for themselves no matter what sort of circumstances they started out in. They learned the power of setting goals. Who can forget the story of Jim Carrey, years before he became rich and famous, writing himself a check for ten million dollars for "services rendered"-and that he made that amount within the time frame he'd written on the check!


"Taking The Steps"

Okay, so now it's time to start taking those practical steps and start focusing your energy and attention to creating what you want in romance. What you're going to create is a learning process that's uniquely your own.

Give yourself permission to fail.

Nothing worthwhile is learned overnight. Give yourself permission to make mistakes and learn from them! It took Edison 99 tries to figure out the light bulb. Surely a successful love life is as important as electricity?

Remain flexible.

It's crucial to remain flexible with yourself in all these steps. Also, know that you can mix up the order of the steps. Start on that which sparks your interest and energy first, and then move onto the others. Once you get going keep bouncing back and forth between them as the spirit moves you to. Know and accept ahead of time too, that you will start out with great enthusiasm, but sooner or later it will flag. You will lose focus. What to do? Forgive yourself! The fastest way to move forward on any goal is to forgive yourself, it frees up the energy so you can move forward and do things-and this is true of anything from creating a new fabulous love life, to losing weight, to learning a new language. Well known entertainment columnist Liz Smith says it best: "Begin somewhere; you cannot build a reputation on what you intend to do":

Discover whether or not you actually have room for romance.

This isn't as easy to answer as it sounds. Take the time to really think it over. Some of us are so busy with work and family and friends we couldn't make a date with someone for the next three weeks if our life depended on it. And then there's the whole "emotional" aspect of the question. Do you really have room for someone new in your life romantically? We often think we do, but our emotional closet is still packed with skeletons from the past. By holding onto people and feelings, especially romances (whether in a positive or negative way) from the past who are no longer a romantic option, we block new romantic possibilities from coming into our lives-often because we just can't open our eyes to see they're there!

Create a relationship journal.

This is a private place for you to start to get in touch with your romantic self. I know writing isn't everyone's forte, but it's a crucial step in performing Practical Voodoo. Here is what author Henriette Anne Klauser has to say about the importance of the written word in her fantastic book "Write It Down Make It Happen"

"Writing down your dreams and aspirations is like hanging up a sign that says, "Open for Business."…Putting it on paper alerts the part of your brain known as the reticular activating system (RAS) to join you in the play…the RAS I like a filtering system for the brain. Writing it down sets up the filter."

We cannot create that which we aren't aware of. By writing things down you are calling on the power of synchronicity. How often have you learned a brand new word, and then suddenly you hear it everywhere? By becoming aware of what you really want to have in a romantic relationship you're starting the process to allow it to come into your everyday world.

A) Be very specific in your journal about as many areas of how you want to feel in a romantic relationship as you can think up, and add more as they occur to you. Don't focus solely on dating, though it's certainly crucial, think beyond to being in a serious relationship. What sort of conversations do you want to have with your lover? What sort of moral values? Is it important that he's of the same religious faith, or just that you have similar spiritual beliefs? What sort of hobbies do you want to share? How do you want to be romanced? How do you want to be treated emotionally? How do you want to feel when you look across the room and catch his eye? What sort of sex life would make you feel desired and vibrant? What sort of communication style with your lover would make you feel heard and understood? What sort of social life would please you? How do the two of you deal with money, family, careers, vacations? Nothing is too specific, this is about discovering yourself-something no one else is going to do for you!

*When writing out what's important to you, do your best to write it in the present tense as if it's already happening. For example: "my significant other and I have the best communication I've ever experienced in a romantic relationship. I feel free to speak my mind and share my heart without fear of judgement, and I'm delighted he feels the same." In all of the great religions of the world followers are instructed that the most powerful prayer is that in which we pray, and gift thanks, as if God has already granted the prayer. Again, if you aren't of a spiritual nature, remember that Olympic athletes not only physically train themselves to perfection, but also mentally train themselves. They visualize themselves, not just competing in their given sport-but winning the Gold!

B) Take the time think over past relationships and be as objective as possible. What about each relationship did you really enjoy? What about each man did you find so attractive? What sorts of things happened that you absolutely DO NOT want to experience again. You'll probably start seeing some patterns in the behavior of the men, and in your own behavior…some of them will embarrass you, to the point of cringing, but be brave girlfriend! Own your dating history, but don't obsess over it. Now that you've taken a good look you can decide which behaviors you've had enough of and can now let go of. Author Gail Sheehy puts it very succinctly "Be willing to shed parts of your previous life. For example, in our 20's we wear a mask; we pretend to know more than we do. We must be willing, as we get older, to shed the cocktail party phoniness and admit I am who I am."

C) As you begin to delve into these subjects the sort of man who you'd be really happy will start to unfold, and again, don't be afraid to change your mind and re-evaluate from time to time-especially after you get back out there into the world of dating and relationships and find that what you thought you wanted isn't it at all.

D) Make your journal visually inspiring for you to look at. Use the media to inspire you rather than just to get to you buy things, or make yourself feel less than perfect! Cut out photos from magazines or newspapers that portray different moments in a romantic relationship of how you'd like to feel…describe the feelings these photos inspire in you, spell it out exactly.

Find out if you're playing fair.

Assess as objectively as possible whether your dream lover would be attracted to you right now. This isn't a time to criticize every aspect of yourself, but it is a time to be as honest as possible about what your strengths and weaknesses are. This is the time to check in with yourself and see if you want positive characteristic and behaviors from a lover that you're not necessarily ready to offer yourself at this time.

Often we look for a special someone to fill in the gaps of our own skill repertoire. Why would we do this? Many reasons, perhaps we don't feel complete as we are, or don't believe we could ever attain those admirable traits ourselves, or even, perhaps, we're lazy. It's time to find out where you're not living up to what you're looking for and why. Why is it someone else's job to fill this void? Ask yourself some tough questions. Are you looking for someone to enjoy your life with, or someone to save you? Are you looking for someone to build a life with or a father to take care of you?

Conversely, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you may be the sort who likes to save men and help organize their lives, in which case you're being more of a mother than a partner. Both scenarios happen every day, and almost every one of us is guilty of participating in either, or both, at one time or another, but that doesn't mean they are the ideal sorts of romantic relationship. Frankly, letting a lover become your parent, or becoming theirs, just isn't sexy.

The question I want you to ask yourself is "why don't I deserve to be an equal partner?" It may seem ideal to let a man waltz in and pay all the bills, or advise you on how to do everything, but you're actually giving up the right to make your own decisions and choices if you're looking for someone to make up for something you currently lack. Conversely, it might seem very appealing to "take care" of a man, to be needed for your expertise, to have him be grateful and rely on you, but the danger here is that you're desired not for you, but for what you can do and give.

Even if you aren't looking for, or to be, a parental figure, whatever the reasons are that you might not embody that which you seek in another, it's time to wake up to the fact that like attracts like far more often than opposites attract. If you desire particular aspects in romantic partner, the best way to do so is to become that which you seek. That doesn't mean you need to have massive plastic surgery and look like a Barbie doll if you're drawn to head turning men, or become a millionaire before you'll find the love you seek if you desire a successful man…but it does mean that you take the time to understand that consciously or not, we all show the world what's important to us by how we dress, and on what, and whom we spend our time.

A man with a fantastic physique enjoys exercising and is looking for a partner who will enjoy it with him. No, Lance Armstrong's wife isn't a world-class cyclist, but I doubt she's a couch potato either. Same thing goes for a man of style. If you want a man who wears designer clothes and has a chic home he wants a woman who understands this world and how to cut a sharp figure in it.

I'm not saying that you need to run out and find ways to radically remake yourself, but I am saying, yet again, that it's time to do some homework, and perhaps time to start making a few changes in the right direction. If you've always wanted to be in a relationship with a creative man but know nothing of art…if you'd like to date a cowboy but can't ride a horse…do you get my point? Don't wait to find a man to open the doors of your world! Go out and learn about things that interest you first, and you'll be surprised at how interesting men you now have something in common with materialize when you start hiking, or taking a drawing class, or learning to make sushi.


"Putting What You've Learned Into Action"

Create a short, succinct, positive and to the point mission statement for what you want romantically and choose a symbol or a "Talisman" to remind you off it.

Several years ago while listening to a motivational tape by the great speaker Les Brown, I heard him say that re-searchers have found that negative information and feedback is 70% more powerful than positive. This being the case, it's crucial that we do all possible (especially when we want to bring some new "good" into our lives) to nurture its success by finding ways to keep our thoughts focused on positive outcomes. Yes, you could simply write out your positive affirmation and stick it on your refrigerator, and bathroom mirror, on your nightstand, and perhaps on the glove box of your car…however, only those who are the most supportive of friends need to know what your up to…so why not choose a little symbol, a heart or a star, or a smiley face, or whatever that appeals to you instead?

Next, pick an inexpensive little trinket of this symbol, something you can buy several of, and put them wherever you'll likely to run across them throughout your day-but before you do so, hold it in your hand and repeat your mission statement to yourself (and remember to state in present tense, as if it's already happening). This way each time it catches your eye you'll remember that which you are now drawing into your life! In the words of writer Ayn Rand "Learn to value yourself: fight for your happiness"

Create an action plan for meeting new people.

Yes, it's scary to meet new people, but listen what the great French beauty and actress Catherine Deneuve has to say "If you try to measure the future you will never risk the present. Playing it safe. A ghastly game."

A) If you have access to a computer (in private) and going online on a regular basis, sign up for an online dating site. They are one of my favorite romance learning tools. Why? Because they're a fun, and easy, and way to get back into the dating world and start flirting and communicating with men. The initial sign up for basic membership at most sites is usually free (especially for women), and almost all of them have both multiple choice and essay answer questions about exactly what we're talking about-what you want in romance.

If you've always thought that online dating is only for computer geeks and desperados, I invite you to think again. Online dating is a safe, relatively inexpensive, relatively easy way to get to know yourself better and start to flex your flirting muscles.

Please note, there are a plethora of dating sites out there-from ones catering to specific religions, to ones catering to those only looking for sexual flings, and every combo in between. It's important that you take the time to find the site that feels right for you, and that you decide ahead of time what you'd like to happen from this experience. There are several types of relationships that can happen online. Some people are only looking for interesting pen pals from around the world, others for fantasy relationships (and they may well be married, or in some kind of steady relationship but find it's a way to escape the stress and boredom of their everyday life) and those who want to meet real people. Of course what sort you want is up to you, but I'd highly recommend you consider sticking to the pen pals for practice, and meeting real men if you'd actually like a real romance. In fact, in the beginning, you may decide you're not ready to communicate with anyone, but just the act of getting the courage together to fill out a profile is enough of a step forward for you.

If you feel, on the other hand, that you'd actually like to meet a man, here are a few pointers to make the experience as fun and rewarding as possible:

1) Don't lie on your profile, not about your age, your weight, or whether or not you have children, or anything else! Don't even fudge a little bit! For some strange reason men are more apt to lie about their age online, and women about their weight and whether they have children. Don't surprise anyone. Don't think a man is going to love you for the "inner" you if you've led him to believe that the photo from 15 years ago is you now, or that you're several pounds slimmer. Let someone be attracted to the real you! Many years ago when I was starting a career in sales my father told me this very famous saying "If you sell at 100% and deliver 95% they'll be disappointed, if you sell at 90% and deliver 95% they'll love you."

2) Be yourself on your profile. Dig deep, and get to the real you. It doesn't matter if you have to update your profile every day for a month until you get it "just right"! Go ahead and give yourself permission to just be you. Study the profiles of other men and women and see which ones interest you-I bet you'll find it's the ones with the most character and uniqueness. The more uniquely "you" you allow yourself to be, rather than what you think a man wants, the more you open yourself up to

3) You're going to get far more "visits" on your profile if you post a photo. Even if you are completely uncomfortable posting a photo for anyone to see, eventually any penal will want to see what you look like and you'll need to email him a photo. Men are very visual creatures. YOU NEED A GOOD CURRENT PHOTO GIRLFRIEND. You deserve a good photo of yourself! I don't care if you're 18 or 81! You need a photo where you really LIKE what you look like, where you look at it and smile to yourself and say "Yep, that's me"!

So, if you don't have any friends who can spend a few hours with you playing dress up and snapping different pics, take yourself to the mall and spend some time in one of those photo booths, or better yet, have a professional portrait taken. Invest in yourself!

4) Know that no matter how clear you are on your profile about your preferences in age, appearance, vicinity to you, etc., some men are going to completely ignore these. If they're nice, I feel it's a good idea to kindly say thank you but no thank you. Why? Just to be courteous that someone got the nerve up to write, someone liked something about you. Learn to accept compliments graciously, but don't feel obliged to carry on a correspondence.

Of course not all men are going to be gracious in their writing, and those you simply ignore. If someone harasses you in any way, report them to the dating site, and they'll be barred from writing to you, or even kicked off the sit

5) Don't just post your profile and wait for men to find you! Play fair. Look through the men's profiles and write to someone who catches your eye.

B) Find a place you really like, that seems to attract a lot of single people, and hang out there regularly, same day every week. Now, honestly, for flirting and meeting men it's a bit easier if it's an evening place since men tend to be focused on other things during the day, and it's also great if you have a fun girlfriend who's up for going with you, but if you're a morning person no problem! Look for a morning man! What about a groovy diner where you have breakfast at the counter, or even a local coffee bar? And what if you're having trouble finding a girlfriend to go and hang out with you regularly? Why not try a bookstore with a café that's a perfectly safe place to sit and sip a chai latte at alone?

The important thing is that it be a place where you like the vibe and the people, and you go there regularly, on the same day every week. Why? Because many men, just like many women, are shy. It takes them a few times of seeing someone before they even feel comfortable saying hello. By finding a hang out, you make it that much easier for yourself, and whoever might catch your eye, to actually meet, let alone strike up a conversation.

So girlfriends, there we have it, the first steps in creating the Practical Voodoo that will set you on the path to discovering just what sort of romantic relationship is right for you, and then begin drawing it to you! Remember to give yourself permission to go on this quest, to take the time to figure out what you really want, and finally, start going out there to test it out! Practice really does make perfect.