Learning from Rejection

Yes, personal rejection sucks. It especially sucks in dating, romance and sex. I’m certainly not going to pretend otherwise, but I’m going to let you in on a very big secret – if you’re willing to learn from your rejections in the dating game arena they’ll steadily move you towards success. Dale Carnegie is absolutely right.

But first you’ve got to pick yourself up off the floor and learn to look at rejection in a new light.


Learn to Separate the Incident from Interpretation

Okay, so either he hasn’t called, or he’s told you point blank he just didn’t feel it. Or maybe you were in a relationship and the guy has bailed giving you a list of reasons why you don’t float his boat. Whatever the reason, chances are if you’re like most women you’ve decided that this is a sign from the universe that you’re just not cute enough, sexy enough, or worthy enough (or a combo of all three) to land the sort of guy you’re into. Chances are you’ve decided you’re totally undesirable and if you could just lose that last ten pounds, or hadn’t gotten that stupid haircut, or you had a better job you wouldn’t be in this sorry state.

But what if there’s another way to look at things? What if you pause to realize that your so-called “unworthiness” is totally your interpretation? I found this quote from writer Sharon Salzberg (she’s written Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience and has co-founded the Insight Meditation Society) sums this concept up beautifully:

“Life is like an ever-shifting kaleidoscope – a slight change, and all patterns alter.”

In the February 2005 edition of Oprah Magazine writer Katherine Russell Rich interviewed Salzberg in an article called “Why Am I Alone.” In the article Salzberg states that “…the experience is one thing and our interpretation of it is another. The interpretation seems so solid and comes so quickly, we don’t realize that there’s space in there and that we have a choice of responses: compassion versus impatience, positive versus negative.”

In other words, by looking at what you perceive as a rejection in a new light, you become your very own diplomat by stepping back emotionally and looking at the situation with fresh eyes.


Let Go of the Romantic Myth of One Right “One”

As long as you hold onto the idea that there’s only one perfect man for you you’re painting yourself into a romantic corner that’s a lose/lose situation – especially if the two of you have already parted ways. Remember that kaleidoscope? As you learn you change. As you mature you change, and your tastes change, and guess what? Sooner or later the man who you thought was perfect ends up being a fond memory - but if you met him again you’d probably smile at your own illusions.


Detect Your Patterns & Learn from your Mistakes

Ever have the feeling of déjà vu at the end of a romantic relationship? Ever have the feeling of “I’ve been here before” when he stops calling? It’s time to take a good long look at how you might be setting yourself up in advance for failure. One of my personal favorite routines was “really cute, really creative and almost totally unavailable.”

Is this you? When a guy’s unavailable he can’t really reject you because he was never really there to be able to commit in the first place. It’s doesn’t matter if he was physically there living at your place, if his heart belongs to another he’s never going to a) see you for how wonderful you are or b) be able to actually commit to you. The same, obviously, goes for married men.

Or perhaps you’re the sort who’s made the mistake of sleeping with a really great guy too quickly. Of course it seems like a fantastic idea when he’s charming the pants off you to get what he wants, and of course he’ll pretend like sex right away won’t change how he feels about you. But guess what? The only way to learn if he’s telling the truth is to go through with it and see if he calls you afterwards.

I know it’s no fair, but many guys still have the whore/Madonna thing going on. So you have two choices to break this pattern:

1. If he’s too hot to resist, it’s just been too long since you’ve had some loving, and you know how to ask for what you want in order to enjoy yourself – move forward just for yourself (practicing safe sex of course) with no expectations of it being anything else. That way, if he doesn’t call you won’t be heartbroken, and if he does you’ll be thrilled.

2. Tell him you’d love to, really, but as wild as the chemistry is between the two of you, you just don’t know him well enough for the physical stuff to work well for you. If he’s game you’d like to get to know him better. If he’s not, well, he was only in it for one thing and it’s his loss.


Get Clear on What You Really Want

It’s easy as pie to describe the physical characteristics of your dream man, what’s not so easy is to get clear on what you want to feel like in a great relationship. Why is this? Because so few of us have experienced them! You literally may not have any great examples to learn from. So what to do? One of my favorite exercises to give to clients is to have them do research on why their favorite movie and literary heroes are just that. Sure Tom Cruise has a killer smile, but you don’t really know Tom Cruise, what you know are the characters he plays – so if Tom Cruise is your man take the time to consider what it is about the roles he plays in movies that really make your heart sing. Or maybe your favorite is Noah Wiley from ER, or Keanu Reeves, heck, even Harry Potter.

The clearer you can get about exactly how you want to feel in a relationship, and the clearer you can get about the sorts of shared values, morals, tastes, and interests you’d like to have with your dream man the easier it makes it for the two of you to meet.

So basically rejection is the universe’s way of telling you you haven’t been clear enough yet.