Are You a Sex Performer?

A good friend of mine and I spent several hours this last Sunday at the Erotica L.A. show and what a show it was. Throngs of people crowded into the L.A. Convention center to ogle all of the latest in adult entertainment, toys and other accoutrements for sensual and sexual pleasure. The line around Jenna Jameson’s and her stable of beautiful adult actresses was similar in length to something you’d see at Disneyland, and just about everywhere we turned female adult entertainers were posing (or rather being wrapped around or bent over) for photo ops with admiring male fans.

What I find truly fascinating is the absolutely mesmerizing effect a woman performing in any kind of sexually alluring manner has on men. All around the convention center, in front of the booths with dancers showing off strip poles (the kind you could either rent for a party or have installed in your very own home ala Pamela Anderson) or dancers on the stage showing off lingerie and other erotic fashions, there were groups of men standing and staring with dumb but fascinated expressions of wonder.

When I see such spectacles I’m reassured that the Goddess, the original Earth Mother, does in fact exist and is alive and well (at least in the human subconscious) and ready to snare unwitting men with her hypnotizing power.

Unfortunately, the power of the Goddess is an unwieldy power in the hands of amateurs – which sadly most of us women are. For most of us women are far better at sexual performers – that is knowing how to behave in the sexy alluring manner that will draw men to us and enjoy us sexually than we know how to enjoy sexual pleasure ourselves.

The problem with this behavior is that sexual performance, even though it can be exciting in the beginning, wears thin over time and frankly men who want to feel connected to their lovers, and to know they know how to please them, find sexually performing women boring and frustrating. Don’t believe me? Let me share with you what a recent male Seduction Insider wrote to me:


"Dear Melissa,

I've got a dating problem. As far as I can tell I've conquered all the adolescent "fear of rejection" type of stuff. I wouldn't have a problem going to a club and just grinding with a cute girl, flirting, etc.

I still can't stand the way most women act about sex though. I feel like I picked up on the fact that, yes, women have sexual needs that have to be taken care of a while ago. I love foreplay, cunnilingus is awesome, and I've satisfied a number of attractive women. But I still can't get over the fact so many women are such weirdoes about being physically intimate. It stills feels like most women assume that you're in it just for yourself and when I'm in a situation where I get that sense from a girl it just makes me want to shake them and scream "why are you so dumb? Dealing with this particular female anxiety is becoming passé for me and it seems like increasingly even with the women that do go to bed with me I'm half paranoid that at any time they might project some ridiculous motive onto me that has nothing to do with the way I am (and they often eventually do.) Why does it feel like I have to prove myself over and over?"


Now I’m not for a minute going to say that there aren’t still a lot of sexually lazy men out there who care more for their own pleasure than the woman they’re with, however, from the type of mail I receive, and the conversations I have with men all of the time, and the growing numbers of male readers we have coming here to Seduction Insider every day, it’s clear that so many men would really like to be great lovers, they’d really like to know how to please women – but they’re really confused and frustrated because women have such a hard time opening up and sharing just what they’d like to have happen.

And I believe it stems from the fact that many women just don’t know what the possibilities are. I mean, sure, most of us are aware that a man going down on us, using his tongue and fingers on our most sensitive spot, can quickly lead to fireworks, but after that many of us are stumped. Many of us are still going through the motions with intercourse, pretending we’re enjoying the positions, and motions etc. often that the man initiates (and yes often blatantly lying about achieving orgasms we’re no where close to) never being totally straight and letting the guy know that either so far intercourse has been a bust for us in the pleasure department, or that we need far more time in the exact right position to make anything really happen for us this way.

And then many of us have the audacity to get pissed because the guy didn’t guess what it was we truly needed. Why can’t they read our minds!

And how is it that I can be so knowledgeable of this sort of behavior? I’ve been guilty of it in the past myself. I only started on the path to true sexual discovery and pleasure when I was able to understand that a) I was worth the effort of figuring out what I needed and that b) the sort of lover I wanted was the sort who was really going to care about my having the most pleasurable experience possible.

I know, however, that those two life-changing decisions are far easier said than done. In fact they’re more of a process that one decides to partake in that never really ends but continues to become more rewarding and fulfilling if we keep both we own self worth and pleasure as your guiding lights. And it’s when we finally accept both our own worthiness and deserving that the Goddess truly comes to our aide and we begin to truly channel her amazing power.