Are You a Stingy Date?

While taking a break from writing the other afternoon I decided to check out “The Best of Craig’s List” and see what people all over the country were musing about. I ran across a very well written entry by a young man complaining about how stingy so many women could be on dates – expecting even a college student to be able to foot the entire bill for all outings.

That got me to thinking about a conversation I’d had with a friend and ex-beau of mine earlier in the week. While catching up on each other’s lives he admitted he was bummed a woman he’d been pretty serious about for a while had been totally stingy during their time together. In fact she’d bragged to a mutual friend that she always made sure to leave her wallet at home when she went out with my friend.

There might be those of you out there reading this who’ll think, “you go girl!” but not me. Yes, I know that women still don’t earn as much as men, yes I know that we usually spend quite a bit more money on beauty products and attire (unless you’re dating a total meterosexual) but that’s no excuse. Why? Because stinginess with money is only reflecting a greater lack within.

Those who try and get one over on the rest of the world by not paying their fair share feel the world owes them something. They feel a lack within themselves, a black hole of need if you will, that they desperately want filled and think that one of the best ways to do this is to get others to pay, and pay, and pay.

The problem. It doesn’t work. Nothing outside of yourself will ever fill that hole in your soul. Only you can do that. Yes, you might have had a terribly difficult childhood, and you might have lacked much of what other children took for granted, but that’s no reason to expect the men you date to foot the entire bill for your time together.

Because the truth is there’s no free ride. We always pay one-way or another. One way women often end up paying is with sex, sex you don’t necessarily feel like having, but that some men feel you owe them because they’ve spent so much showing you a good time.

Another way you pay (as in the case of the woman my friend dated) is by losing the good opinion someone has of you. Because if you continually expect a man to pay for everything, if you’re the type who promises to pitch in and then never comes through, even the most generous of men will begin to feel “had” and taken advantage of. And my friend happens to be one of those very generous men.

The problem is that once a feeling of being taken advantage of has taken place it’s very hard to shake. Gaining back a good reputation is a very tough thing to do. Unfortunately those who are stingy often focus so much energy on the game of “winning” at “not having to pay” that they may not realize that a relationship is slipping away due to the very behavior they’re so very proud of.

Now I’m not saying that women who expect men to pay for all the dates are always stingy all the time. Some women can be very generous to their friends and family but believe that men need to be the ones to pay during a courtship. I agree with you that in the very beginning it’s important to let a man pay. This is one of the ways men show their interest and intent, however, if you narrow your dating field down to the men who will pay for everything vs. the men who won’t it’s important to note that you’ll end up with a much smaller group of possibilities to choose from. And, depending on how expensive your taste, it may even mean that you can only date older men.

Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with dating older men. They can often open up a whole new world to a younger woman – just know that along with picking up the entire tab an older man (and even a man your same age) may decide it’s fine for him to tell you how to dress, as well as being able to lecture you on a myriad of other topics in your life. And he’ll expect you not only to listen, but to take his advice.

Now I know that many women, especially young ones, just can’t afford much in terms of recreational fun once the rent is paid. I’m not, for an instant, recommending that you pay for things you can’t afford, or that you rack up credit card debt just to be even with a man you’re dating. What I am asking you to do is play fair. If the man you’re dating is in a similarly tight financial situation don’t expect him to take you to lavish places that neither of you can afford. There are all sorts of ways to have a good time with a date that don’t cost a lot of money.

If, on the other hand, you’re dating a man who can afford quite a bit you need to be clear with him that you can’t reciprocate in the same way…but do offer to pay for what you can. For example, he may be able to afford to take you to concerts that you’d never ever be able to afford the tickets to – but you can cover the parking right? You might not be able to afford to take him to fancy dinners but you can cook for him, or take him to that great local diner for breakfast. The important thing is not only to be clear about your financial situation but also to pitch in when and where you can.

How much you spend on a man isn’t nearly as important as your generosity of spirit.