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Women's Dating Tips >
Ten Mistakes Women Make in Bed
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Editor's note:
You loved our recent piece on 10 Mistakes Guys Make in Bed - but, in the name of equality, you demanded the female counterpart. Here, John Braun weighs in on 10 ways women can screw up a perfectly good lay.
Let's face it: women are responsible for their share of mating mistakes. But if you believe popular culture, men are the hapless half when it comes to copulation. They blunder through sex with boneheaded comments and seductive moves that are more stupid than suave. Just picture any encounter involving Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin and you get the idea.
The truth is that women are just as likely to make mistakes in bed as any guy. The inherit problem is that pointing out these bedroom blunders feels like bitching that I won $2 million in the state lotto rather than $3 million - either way I scored, right?
But it's not all about scoring. Bad sexual encounters leave me a little limp, and usually guarantee there won't be a repeat performance. In the end, those encounters amount to little more than funny stories. Now ladies, is that what you want to be remembered for? Wouldn't you rather be the kind of sex kitten he can't get enough of? It's the surefire way to his heart (or, at least, into his pants) and any guy worth his salt will give you great sex in return.
So, here are the top female bedroom blunders. If you make any of these mistakes, please do the world a favor and STOP. And then call me, toots.
1. Faking your orgasms.
Never do this. Never. I know, it happens in porn all the time (sorry to be a spoiler), but it's just not necessary in real life. Instead of lying about your orgasm, tell your partner what you need in order to get there. Or just be honest and say, "hey, it's not happening - we'll get it next time." Sure you want to make the man you're sleeping with feel good about his skills, but not at the expense of misleading him - or the expense of misleading yourself. Lying is bad. And when you fake your orgasm you're just lying. You're not getting what YOU want, and then you're feeling the need to pretend that everything is just dandy in the orgasm department. It's not healthy, and it's going to make you feel unenthused about sex in general.
2. Just lying there.
This one is huge. Having sex with a motionless woman is about as fun as riding one of those stationary bikes at the gym. It's just kind of pointless - you put all that effort in and didn't actually go anywhere. Remember, you're not just some corpse your man could have picked up at the mortuary (hopefully, anyway). Active body movement stimulates you and shows him that you love what he's doing. It's win-win.
3. Taking my masturbation as a personal affront.
Ok, you're tired. You have a big meeting in the morning. You need your sleep, and the last thing you want is sex. The truth is that this happens for men and for women. But the male brain is wired such that sex is not always so complicated. It's often just about relief. So if your guy needs to paint the sheets before bed, give him a break and just let him do it. You don't really even need to participate, just don't get offended. Let him have his few minutes of handheld ecstasy and be done with it. The reality is that you'll sleep better without him poking you with his erection.
4. Talking about previous sexual partners.
This is a bit of a no-brainer in my book, so I'm always surprised when I hear about it happening to my guy friends. Ladies, guys just don't want to hear about other men fucking you. Even if you bring it up in a way that seems completely innocent to you - say, like this: "my last boyfriend and I tried a lot of different positions." Here's how that translates to a guy: "I loved fucking my ex boyfriend Carlo so much that I would do it again right on your coffee table." It's crazy I know, but trust me - his mind will be flooded with vivid pornographic images of you cumming your brains out while getting pounded by Carlo the Italian male model. His self-esteem will be shattered and he'll probably quit his job and move back in with his parents. But I digress.
5. Mishandling the sack.
I've found that women tend to do one of two things with testicles. Either they A) avoid them like the plague or B) handle them like balls of dough that must be kneaded into oblivion. The proper approach is something I like to call "The Middle Way of Gentle Cupping." You've probably heard about gentle cupping before. And it is exactly what it sounds like. Use your hand to let your guy know that you've got his family jewels nice and protected - just don't squeeze them. He'll go wild for this, trust me.
6. Lack of proper bush maintenance.
Despite what you've heard, your bush doesn't have to be completely shaven. Personally, I find that a bald pussy looks way too prepubescent for comfort. Some guys like this, and if yours does, you can discuss it. But if you're a single gal just looking to get laid, you don't have to go for the Telly Savalas look down there. Conversely, a full, wild bush isn't incredibly attractive either. Just trim it a bit. All of that said, there is one big bush maintenance issue you should really avoid: stubble. Tonguing a pussy that was shaved two weeks ago is like licking Bruce Willis' face after the 5 o'clock shadow has kicked in. Avoid the sandpaper snatch.
7. Not being comfortable with your body.
Your guy loves to look at you. And I promise that he's not as concerned about your minor imperfections as you are. We live in a body-obsessed world, and that leads to understandable body issues. Just don't let those get in the way of a good sex life. Leave the lights on. Walk around naked. Your guy will love you for it. The bottom line is that most guys are so mesmerized by the female form we're not even aware of any defects. We're just happy to be there, and in our eyes, you're the sexiest woman in the world.
8. Assuming we know what's going on in that brain of yours.
This is a bit more abstract than some of the other bedroom blunders. In my experience, some women just assume that we should know what you want. But that's impossible, right? Every woman is different in the bedroom, and hopefully every guy learns that sooner or later. So help him out. If you want your guy to lick you in this way, or if you want more foreplay, or if you want to bring in a transvestite for a threesome, YOU HAVE TO ASK. He's not going to just know that you want these things.
9. Not initiating sex.
In my experience, women don't initiate sex enough. It really shouldn't be all up to us, right? I know, I know, the male libido tends to be as predictable and dependable as the atomic clock, so it's hard not to just figure your man will take care of it. But a woman who initiates sex is clearly much more interested in bonking than a woman who simply accepts a male advance. And that is incredibly sexy.
10. Withholding sex as a means of punishment.
This is a tricky one because, well, if either partner is mad at the other, sex may just not be in the cards. Just deal with the problem separately and don't bring sex into the equation, even passively. Save sex for intimacy and closeness - not leverage or punishment. Unless, of course, you're both into it, you kinksters.
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