Conflict of True Love

I have a question, but I guess it's more of a life/love question and not about men per se...so if it's not the right category, I understand, but if you have time (haha, ya right busy girl!) to give some insight, I'd appreciate it.

If you believe you have a true love, but that true love isn't your current boyfriend, is it ok to still keep that true love in your heart? Now what I mean by "ok" -- I have no idea. I think what's in the back of my mind is this: I have recently reconnected with my first love, and we're both in relationships. I know mine will not last forever, and he feels the same about his. We think we could be friends for a few years then when we're no longer attached see what may be in store for us. I know that probably sounds ridiculous...who knows. What are your thoughts?

Yours Truly, Ivy, 23 San Francisco CA

No I don’t believe in only one true love. And I’m not saying this because I’m pessimistic. I’m totally optimistic about love. I believe one true love does happen for some people, but far too many people have a great love who dies and then they, after time, move forward and find someone else they have an amazing relationship with. As much as I admired and was inspired by the wonderful actor Christopher Reeve I certainly don’t think his widow Dana should mourn him for the rest of her life – nor do I think this is what he’d want for her either.

So I’m optimistic that we all have a chance of a great love again if we’re really open and ready for it.

Most of us, however, think we had one great true love when in reality it looks better in hindsight than it actually was (though it was totally right for that time) because we’re looking at it through the rose tinted glasses of the past and the not-what-we-want situation of the present – and we’re forgetting how much we’ve grown and changed, and that there were, in fact, valid reasons the relationship didn’t last in the first place.

What I think the big truth is that most of us don’t want to hear – because we’d like great, fabulous, luscious romantic sex lives to happen as easily as they do in romantic movies – is that most of us aren’t ready for a really great love to show up in our lives because we haven’t done the hard work of being really honest with ourselves about who we are, what’s right for us, and what we need romantically and sexually in order to feel connected and fulfilled.

Let’s be honest, the act of simply making a life for ourselves is so challenging and lonely for many of us that we’d rather hook up with “Mr. Right Now” instead of being single for enough time to really get clear on what we need first in romantic relationships (and by single I don’t mean being alone all the time, you definitely need to do hands on research!).

While it is comforting to have a possible ex-boyfriend-could-be-a-great-boyfriend-slash-husband-in-the-future in your back pocket (and trust me I know this one, I held onto the idea of an old love for five years in my twenties), the truth is that this little idea, this little glimmer of hope, keeps you from living fully in the present and taking advantages of both the opportunities and the lessons that are waiting for you. At twenty-three the world is just opening up for you as an adult, and you’ll miss a lot of fantastic adventures to find out who you are by keeping the door open even a crack for someone from the past.

Does that mean you shouldn’t even be friends with your long ago ex? No, it’s cool to keep in touch as long as you don’t start becoming each other’s easy emotional crutch to bitch and moan to when your every day life is less than wonderful. Remember, conversing via email and on the phone is a heck of a lot different than living with them and the every day stresses of life.

Does that mean I don’t think you could ever hook up again? No, it really might happen, but it’ll only be wonderful if the two of you really let each other go right now. The universe works in really mysterious ways so you never know what could happen, but first you’ve got to be okay with taking a leap of faith into the gift of the present.

What I really think you might want to take a look at and get clear on right now is how you got into a relationship with a guy romantically at present that you know isn’t going to last. Chances are you knew from the very start (if you’re really honest with yourself in the deepest regions of your heart) that he wasn’t the right guy for you but you second guessed yourself and moved forward into a relationship anyway.

Dating someone for “right now” is totally cool, but it’s when we get into serious monogamous relationships with “Mr. Right Now,” and then we move in together, that things get really messy. Even though in our guts and in our hearts we keep thinking things are “temporary” we tend propel ourselves forward in the relationship, not wanting to be lonely, and wanting to fit in with societal norms, and all of a sudden we find ourselves married, or having children with someone (or both) that we still don’t feel “quite right” with.

And all the while, though we were going through the outward motions to make the relationship work, we weren’t really showing up 100%. But you know what? We all deserve to have someone show up for us 100%. It isn’t really doing anyone a favor to stay in a relationship with them if your heart’s not really in it. Yes, breaking up with someone is one of the worst things in the world. It’s truly horrible if you care for them at all – but if you’re not in the relationship 100% (for whatever reason) you need to let go and open up to new adventures that life has in store for you.