What Single Men Want

1. What are you looking for in a relationship with women right now? If you’re looking for the right “one” what qualities are you looking for?

Response A: Someone who believes in open honesty... being able to discuss what others only think... no taboos. Freedom of expression. Knows no boundaries.

Response B: Fun. Humorous with anything.

2. What's working, and what are you finding frustrating?

Response A: Working: Women flirt with me; I don't get heavy or scary in response... just light flirting.

Response B: Frustrating: yet, after really knowing me, they say "no" to a suggestion of simply going for coffee.

3. Where are you having the most success finding desirable single women? In clubs, through friends, on a dating site, or even perhaps a "friends" site like this one?

Response: More success in simple conversation. No dates yet. (FYI: I've been single since May '04; wife passed away. I hardly even mention it, and when I do, I am fine with moving on at this point, and convey confidence in conversations. I'd hate to think that women think I may not be "ready!" PULEESE!).

4. What are you looking for sexually? What's been disappointing in the past that you want to improve in the future? Or, have you had a great sex life in the past that you now miss?

Response: Great in the past and miss it. I'm sensitive and caring, yet intense at times during sex. Very much into chemistry and the fire that builds. I'm more of a performer, for her, sure, but because I enjoy that.


Sean, 22, Seattle

1. What are you looking for in a relationship with women right now? If you’re looking for the right “one” what qualities are you looking for?

Response: Not really looking for any relationships at the moment, just started a new job and don't feel like putting any effort into meeting someone, waaayyyy too much work.

2. What’s working, and what are you finding frustrating?

Response: Sex works, no sex is frustrating.... I’m usually pretty frustrated. Women who complain all the time drive me insane; if they want to be there, DON'T complain!

3. Where are you having the most success finding desirable single women? In clubs, through friends, on a dating site, or even perhaps a "friends" site?

Response: I haven't had much success anywhere; the bars in Seattle are all meat markets with no women. work is the only other place I really have and I work with women in their early 40’s for the most part, which as it happens isn't a deterrent for me, but as they are all married with kids, it leaves very few options.

4. What are looking for sexually? What's been disappointing in the past that you want to improve in the future? Or, have you had a great sex life in the past that you now miss?

Response: Virgins are the single biggest disappointment I have ever experienced. I can't teach and they are god awful in bed. Never had great sex, had some okay sex before, but so far it's been a pretty big disappointment to me.


Kaden, 25, Los Angeles
www.kadenphoto.com

1. What are you looking for in a relationship with women right now? If you’re looking for the right “one” what qualities are you looking for?

Response: It’s hard to nail down what exactly I’m looking for in a woman because you never really know. It’s a feeling and a chemistry that makes it work. I can definitely say the thing that I don't want in a relationship though. I think the single most turnoff for me is jealousy in women. I need a secure girl that is sure of herself, to the point that jealousy is not an issue. In my profession I’m surrounded by beautiful girls all the time, and I’m always flirty and friendly. It takes an extraordinary type of woman who can be my girlfriend and have the utmost trust in me. Most girls aren't capable of that, and therefore most girls are out of my selection pool. I don't get jealous of girls, and I expect the same from my significant other.

2. What’s working, and what are you finding frustrating?

Response: It’s all working really, but what’s frustrating is trying to explain to a jealous girl the reasons I am so against it. A secure woman, on the other hand, knows that whatever happens, in the end, my partner is coming home with me. It’s a trust and security issue. I like to believe that if a guy wants my girl, go for it. If he can score, he can keep her. A girl who can be taken away from me that easily is hardly worth keeping anyways.

3. Where are you having the most success finding desirable single women? In clubs, through friends, on a dating site, or even perhaps a "friends" site?

Response: Well a lot of girls I have met are from mutual friends, but that always raises somewhat of an issue for me. Relationships eventually end, and it’s hard on the mutual friend to play sides. So I usually am extra careful about getting "hooked up" with any friends. Of course there are always clubs, but that’s like shooting fish in a barrel. There are the girls that go to clubs and get pissed when guys pick up on them, and there are girls that go just to pick up on guys... It’s really a mixed batch so clubs are the wild card. I meet a lot of girls at clubs, but they are rarely serious and very rarely materialize into anything worth mentioning.

Believe it or not, I like meeting girls randomly at grocery stores, or out and about while they’re doing things and least expect it. It seems more real when this happens. When girls are in groups of girls, their actions and demeanor are greatly influenced by their friends. It’s just a lot more genuine when you meet a girl by herself outside of the dating environment. The Internet has been a great market for meeting new friends, but it really becomes "net" friend. I can count the number of people I have met from online on one hand, yet I have TONS of net friends. It’s more of a fun type of thing than serious. Every guy sends the same cut and paste message to every girls they think is remotely un-ugly, so therefore every girl gets a big head and considers herself an E-pimp. Goes both ways. So no I don't think the Net really counts.

4. What are you looking for sexually? What's been disappointing in the past that you want to improve in the future? Or, have you had a great sex life in the past that you now miss?

Response: Sex is a lot like pizza; even bad sex is pretty darn good! Guys have that part easy. Same can't be said for the women though. I don't believe some of the stories I have heard. But sex is great, it always is. I like what most guys like...I like a girl who is innocent beyond belief but a freaking Tomcat in bed. Something weird about seeing a girl pull a 180, that’s a turn on. I've been fortunate to have mostly good sex, I mean for a guy, its kind of cool to have both ends of the spectrum. A girl who’s inexperienced and kinda new to sex is just as good as a girl who knows exactly what she’s doing and can suck a watermelon through a straw. I like both. It’s cute to see an inexperienced girl because almost everything is a surprise to her. Win win for guys in this department!


Sean, 36, San Francisco

1. What are you looking for in a relationship with women right now? If you’re looking for the right “one” what qualities are you looking for?

Response: I'm 36 so I'm always looking for the "one" but don't expect to find her. Ideally, I look for a person with a similar temperament (relatively even keeled), sense of humor, a contained level of self-ambition (it doesn't have to be a competition between us all the time, but I like go getters), not necessarily a similar level of education (I have a PhD in science) but a similar level of cultural and social knowledge (books, films, history, politics, etc., someone who isn't uncomfortable in groups of people that they don't know, and someone that I can feel confident will stand by me (and up to me - this is so important! Men - and women - need someone to call them on their bullshit once in a while) when I need them to.

Someone who can grow with me and try new things and figure out what I'm about, and doesn't mind getting figured out. I guess I want a lot. Unfortunately, I always date very attractive women who also have underlying sense of inadequacy. It's not a good pattern. Oh, I just broke up with a woman that I dated for two years, and lived with for over a year. We're great friends still, but what we eventually found was that we were almost the same person. We didn't have the complementary strengths that would have carried us through. It was a very odd realization. So, if you can find someone that in some un-definable way picks up for your weaknesses and you can do the same for them, I think you'd be on the right track. How do you go about finding that person? Good question.

2. What’s working, and what are you finding frustrating?

3. Where are you having the most success finding desirable single women? In clubs, through friends, on a dating site, or even perhaps a "friends" site?

Response to 2 and 3: I gave up on the bar scene a long time ago and although I still love to go out for a drink with friends, I usually just use the time to pay attention to the people I'm with. I've tried on line dating with mixed results. I've tried throwing myself into different groups of people just to see who I'd meet. All with mixed results. I'm not frustrated by any of it really. It's just life and experiences.

I'm a pretty happy single person and usually find that I had neglected certain things in myself when I was in relationships. I don't surf as much, or I don't see the kinds of live music that I like as much as I used to. I can't tell if that's a symptom of not being with the right woman, or if just the compromise that we make to be in a relationship.

I hated to even try online dating at first, but it makes sense for busy professionals. You just don't have the same social networks that you had in college, and many of the people that you come in contact with regularly are colleagues that you shouldn't consider to be romantic interests. Plus you can get a feel for what a person is looking for pretty quickly and move on. I have women friends that have bad experiences with online dating, and I can see how that would be. I haven't really met anyone that caused me any trouble, so I can't complain.

4. What are you looking for sexually? What's been disappointing in the past that you want to improve in the future? Or, have you had a great sex life in the past that you now miss?

Response: OK, this is a tough one. Maybe because I'm not 20 anymore, my views have changed on what I value sexually. For example, I have no interest in one-night stands at this point. Some people really like the excitement of it, but I generally find it to be a pretty unfulfilling act.

I always find it much more enjoyable with someone that you know and understand well. If you actually care about the woman's fulfillment, it will feed back to you and improve the overall quality of the sex and that will feed back into the overall quality of the relationship.

The problem is that most people are terrible at verbally expressing what it is that they're looking for sexually because it's been a taboo subject or they're just not comfortable expressing themselves that way. It can take a really long time with someone to be able to comfortably discuss sex. I've also had several fairly long relationships (over 2 years) so I've come to accept that with the same person after a while you know all the right buttons to push and it's not always transcendent.

Sometimes with a long-term partner, it's just an act of physical intimacy and that can be enough or sometimes not enough. To make it worse, because so many adults aren't comfortable talking about sex with their partners, it's hard to get past some of those ruts. But, I guess I'd say that my sex life has been pretty good.

I'm well past the point when I can carry on a relationship for very long where sex is the primary attraction, though. I'm always much more interested in a woman that can connect with me on a personal level. The relationship is always healthier and the sex is always much better.